KGB Report

(Steve Cousineau)

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Canada moves to freeze handgun sales, buy back assault-style weapons. "We need only look south of the border to know that if we do not take action, firmly and rapidly, it gets worse and worse," Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said.

Republicans Blast Canada for insanely responding to gun violence by banning guns. (Andy Borowitz)

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We clerked for Justices Scalia and Stevens. America is getting Heller wrong. In the summer of 2008, the Supreme Court decided District of Columbia v. Heller, in which the court held for the first time that the Second Amendment protected an individual right to gun ownership. Scalia's majority opinion expressly recognized "presumptively lawful" regulations such as "laws imposing conditions and qualifications on the commercial sale of arms," as well as bans on carrying weapons in "sensitive places," like schools, and it noted with approval the "historical tradition of prohibiting the carrying of 'dangerous and unusual weapons.'" Heller also recognized the immense public interest in "prohibitions on the possession of firearms by felons and the mentally ill." (free New York Times article)

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The good for you/bad for you coin toss for this week involves coffee. Chinese researchers say a seven-year study suggests coffee drinkers are less likely to die of cancer and heart disease. As John Collins observes, "By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 88% of what little joy you had left."

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Nine bills you should never put on autopay. TL;DR: You really don't have much of a choice for some of them; part of the customer agreement requires automatic payment.

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You are going to get COVID again... and again... and again. ..."best guess for the future has the virus infiltrating each of us, on average, every three years or so." Also, the air at the gym may be more likely to spread COVID. Honestly, me catching COVID at a gym is something I never worry about. It's about as likely as me catching an STD from (insert name of currently reigning sex goddess).

Also, "That's just part of aging": Long COVID symptoms are often overlooked in seniors. Though it affects them at higher rates, older adults with long COVID have received little attention.

Some good(?) news:

The vaccine used to protect against monkeypox is the same used against smallpox, which was eradicated from the planet (except in government biowarfare labs) in 1980. Will the vaccine I received 60-some years ago protect me? Eh, maybe... Also, Britain urges people with monkeypox to abstain from sex as cases rise.

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Changing our DNA: 'The age of human therapeutic gene editing is here'

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DuPont: The most evil business in the world. Better living through chemistry? Teflon (polytetrafluoroethylene (PTFE)) is poisonous. (video) More info on PFOA, which persists indefinitely in the environment. Also, a report by John Oliver.

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Miscellany:

Random automotive trivia:

• Only 18% of Americans can drive a stick shift, and just 5% of new cars have manual transmissions
• Only 4% of a car's lifetime is spent driving
• Whale oil was used in some car transmissions until 1973
• A $1 million speeding fine was issued to a Mercedes SLS driver in Switzerland for doing 180 in a 70 zone. (Fines are proportional to the driver's income)
• There are 1.446 billion cars on the planet, roughly 1 for every 5.5 people
• A modern car contains about 30,000 parts
• 75% of all Rolls Royces ever made are still on the road
• A car is stolen in the U.S. every 45 seconds
• The best selling car of all time is the Toyota Corolla. 44 million have been sold, and a new one is sold every 40 seconds
• In 1900, 38% of cars were electric, 40% were steam, and 22% were gasoline powered

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Birthdays: Clint Eastwood is 92; Brooke Shields is 57; Peter Yarrow (Peter, Paul, and Mary) is 84; Sharon Gless (Cagney & Lacey) is 79; Joe Namath is 79; and Leah Thompson (Back to the Future) is 61.

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On this date in:

• 1911, the RMS Titanic was launched in Belfast, Northern Ireland.
• 1971, in accordance with the Uniform Monday Holiday Act passed by the U.S. Congress in 1968, observation of Memorial Day occured on the last Monday in May for the first time, rather than on the traditional Memorial Day of May 30.
• 1977, the Trans-Alaska Pipeline System was completed and everything's been hunky dory since then.
• 1985, 41 tornadoes hit Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, and Ontario, leaving 76 dead. It remains largest and most intense tornado outbreak ever to hit this region, and the worst tornado outbreak in Pennsylvania history in terms of deaths and destruction.
• 2013, a record breaking 2.6 mile wide tornado with winds of 296 mph (476 km/h) struck El Reno, Oklahoma, causing eight fatalities and over 150 injuries.

Today is:

National Autonomous Vehicle Day, National Macaroon Day, National Meditation Day, National Smile Day, Necrotizing Fasciitis Awareness Day, Save Your Hearing Day, Speak in Complete Sentences Day, What You Think Upon Grows Day, World No Tobacco Day, and World Parrot Day.

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Comments and observations:

"Do you wonder about the people who think COVID vaccines are useless but that single-door schools are effective?"
-Preet Bharara

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Friends and patients of the late Lawrence J. Nelson, MD... A memorial will be held Sunday, June 12 at noon at the George Irvin Green Funeral Home, 3511 Main Street, Munhall.

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Canada, Coffee, Covid-19, DNA, DuPont, Gene Editing, Justin Trudeau, Monkeypox, SCOTUS, Second Amendment, Smallpox, Supreme Court, Teflon

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This just in: You thought joy was within reach, but you were wrong.
(New Yorker)

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ICE 'now operates as a domestic surveillance agency,' think tank says. Although it's supposed to be restricted by surveillance rules at local, state and federal levels, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has built up a mass surveillance system that includes details on almost all US residents, according to a report from a major think tank.

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More people watched replays of the Kentucky Derby than watched it live. NBC said some 36 million people watched the exciting finish of horseracing's premier event on NBC Sports' social media accounts, including 11.6 million on TikTok, the most ever achieved for a network sports presentation. That doesn't account for non-NBC outlets, for which there was no estimate available.

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Congress targets loud commercials on streaming services The update would extend the current law governing broadcast, cable, and satellite to streaming services, as well as beef up the Federal Communications Committee's ability to go after violations and mandate a study of the effectiveness of the law to date.

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GOP goes after Mickey Mouse: Josh Hawley targets Disney with bill to reverse its copyright protections. Disney's copyright on Steamboat Willie, the first appearance of Mickey Mouse, is set to expire next year. Although there has been some speculation that the company would seek a further extension, they were likely would face opposition to such a move even before the latest GOP efforts to target the company in the culture wars.

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The bottom line:

• The Turnaway Study followed groups of women who wanted abortions for five years. Two-thirds of the group that was unable to get abortions were living in poverty within six months, compared to 45% of the group that was able to receive the procedure.
• In 1970, prior to Roe v. Wade, women's labor force participation rate was about 43%. Scholars argue that abortion access was an important factor in raising that rate to 57.4% by 2019.
• A 2020 paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that being denied abortion access causes bankruptcies and evictions experienced by women to rise by 81%, and increases the amount of debt women hold that is 30+ days past due by 78%.

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Pilot down, passenger takes over with 'no idea how to fly', lands safely with help from air traffic controller. Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Rick Breitenfeldt confirmed that the pilot and passenger were the only two people aboard. The agency is investigating, he said in an email. There was no immediate word on the condition of the pilot, and authorities didn’t release their identities.

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Something useful: Twelve principles for finding things you've lost. (I would have posted this sooner, but I couldn't locate the link.)

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Tweets, observations, and diversions:

The strange afterlife of George Carlin Nearly 14 years after his death, his provocative humor has been embraced by people across the political spectrum. What happens when comedy outlasts the era it was made for?

Shell announces plans to plant single tree for every irreversible planetary disaster it causes. (The Onion)

Musk sells Twitter after it fails to make him interesting. (New Yorker: Borowitz)

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Categories: Abortion, Andy Borowitz, Copyright, Disney, George Carlin, ICE, Josh Hawley, Kentucky Derby, Mickey Mouse

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(© 2022 CBS Studios)

Thursday was a decent day for Star Trek fans, with the season finale of Star Trek: Picard and premiere of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds on the Paramount+ streaming service.

Picard's finale tied up all the ends that were loosed during the series' second season. Frankly, the entire story could have been told in just two or three episodes. It felt like the writers were padding things out and/or spinning their wheels during the long slog from episodes 3-8. Still, it was enjoyable spending time with the series' likeable characters. Perhaps the ends were tied up a bit too neatly- but the presence of John DeLancie's Q almost mandates a deus ex machina-based resolution to the story. Paramount has announced that most of the Star Trek: The Next Generation cast will appear in Picard season three. Hint: the "missing" cast member had a cameo in this episode.

As for Star Trek: Strange New Worlds: This is your father's (or grandfather's) Star Trek.

Of all the Trek motion pictures and streaming series released since the 2009 theatrical reboot, this one is closest to the original series in style and content. Back are the vibrant colors, used originally by NBC parent RCA to sell more color televisions in the '60s. The visual effects are state-of-the-art, motion picture quality. While every element of the Enterprise has been modified, there's no J.J. Abrams "Apple Store" feel to the ship. The best way I can explain it: it's how the original series Enterprise would have appeared if Roddenberry had the seemingly unlimited funds Paramount tossed at this iteration. The budget must be huge, indeed; there are over 20 various producers listed in the main titles, which is why the opening credits run for almost two minutes.

The casting is just about perfect. It's an easy adjustment to accept the younger versions of Spock, Uhura, and Chapel. ST:SNW takes place about ten years before the original series, so the captain of the vessel is not James T. Kirk, but Christopher Pike. Pike is played to perfection by Anson Mount- he has the best qualities of Captain Kirk, minus the ego, scenery chewing, hairpiece, and odd speech patterns.

The story is classic Trek, and restores the optimism and utopian view of the 23rd century- while recalling the "21st century, when everything went wrong."

"Our conflict also started with a fight for freedoms," Pike tells the aliens who have acquired technology that surpasses their maturity to use it properly. "We called it the second civil war, then the eugenics war, and finally just World War III." End result: the loss of 600,000 plant and animal species and 30 percent of the world's population.

Can we just skip directly to the 23rd century, please?

The show is mostly drama, with some droll humor and sharp asides sparingly used to good effect. The episode begins with Pike watching the classic film "The Day The Earth Stood Still," deftly foreshadowing later plot developments. It's a clever easter egg for Trek fans as well: "Day" was directed by Robert Wise, who directed the first Trek theatrical, "Star Trek: The Motion Picture."

Scriptwriter Akiva Goldsman does an overall good job imbuing classic Trek vibes into this incarnation, but he continues to irritate hard-core fans with inane errors. Spock somehow manages to travel 16.5 light years from Vulcan to Earth in less than eight hours. But to be fair, all iterations of Star Trek are well-known for playing fast and loose with warp speeds and distances. The rest of the episode was interesting and entertaining, so hey. At least they're not traveling via a subspace domain composed of the mycelia (roots) of space fungi, like in Star Trek: Discovery.

Here's a look at the two shows:

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On the subject of going boldly (or boldly going) where a Russian had gone before, on this date in 1961, Alan Shepard became the first American to travel into outer space, on a 15 minute, 28 second sub-orbital flight.

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Speaking of classic television, on this day in 1952, the I Love Lucy episode "Lucy Does a TV Commercial" was first aired and was seen by 68% of the television audience.

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Remembering Erie, PA's Ann B. Davis (May 3, 1926 – June 1, 2014):

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Michael Palin is 79 today.

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Elsewhere:

The New Yorker:

Kavanaugh asks if anyone has seen briefcase he left at bar last week. (Borowitz)

Twitter:

I have faith that one day we will get to the bottom of why neither women nor abortion are mentioned in a document that was written by 55 men in 1787.
-Andrew Wortman

If life begins at conception, when does stupid start?
-Middle Age Riot

The last time I saw authoritarians this upset about their evil plans being leaked, it involved a Death Star.
-John Fugelsang

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Categories: Alan Shepard, Andy Borowitz, Ann B. Davis, I Love Lucy, Lucille Ball, Michael Palin, Star Trek, Twitter

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Reporters traveling to the United Kingdom for President Joe Biden's first overseas trip were delayed seven hours after their chartered plane was overrun by cicadas.

(Video) Rachel Maddow: GOP succeeds in wasting Democrats' time in power. You would think they would have learned something from the Obamacare debacle.

Jobless in PA livid over new unemployment system errors as state declares victory. When's the best time to migrate to a new system using an entirely different platform and paradigm? Probably not during a pandemic with a record number of claimaints. Duh.

Susan Collins sad that Joe Manchin has replaced her as most annoying Senator. "It's only fitting that the baton be passed to an obscure senator from West Virginia," she said. (Andy Borowitz)

Biden disliked Putin before it was cool. For more than 20 years, Joe Biden has questioned Vladimir Putin's true intentions.

US to buy 500 million Covid vaccine doses for world. But let's draw the line at free beer and lottery tickets, ok?

San Francisco may be first major US city to hit herd immunity, experts say. City still recording small number of Covid cases per day but they don't appear to be triggering wider outbreaks.

From Crazytown:

Trump returns as a diminished TV draw. Not having the nuclear codes kind of diminishes the drama, I guess...

QAnon at a crossroads: leaders try to rein in the crazy. With Q silent and Trump out of office, QAnon's heroes are trying to pump the brakes on the right's most popular nutty conspiracy theory.

'5G towers,' other conspiracies flourish at hearing on vaccine bill. "They can put a key on their forehead, it sticks. They can put spoons and forks all over them and they can stick, because now we think there's a metal piece to that. There's been people who have long suspected that there was some sort of an interface, yet to be defined interface, between what's being injected in these shots and all of the 5G towers." (Video)

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KGB's daily agglomeration of stuff I find interesting:

Among other things, today is

• Alcoholics Anonymous Founders' Day
• Ballpoint Pen Day
• National Black Cow Day
• National Herbs and Spices Day
• National Iced Tea Day

On this date:

• 1692 - Salem witch trials: Bridget Bishop was hanged at Gallows Hill near Salem, Massachusetts, for "certaine Detestable Arts called Witchcraft and Sorceries".
• 1752 - Benjamin Franklin tested the lightning conductor with his kite-flying experiment
• 1845 - Andrew Jackson's African Grey parrot "Poll" was removed from his funeral for swearing at The Hermitage, Tennessee. Funeral attendee William Menefee Norment recorded: "Before the sermon and while the crowd was gathering, a wicked parrot that was a household pet got excited and commenced swearing so loud and long as to disturb the people and had to be carried from the house
• 1847 - The Chicago Tribune began publishing.
• 1854 - The United States Naval Academy graduated its first class of students.
• 1924 - first political convention broadcast on radio (Republicans at Cleveland)
• 1935 - Dr. Robert Smith (Doctor Bob) took his last drink, and Alcoholics Anonymous was founded in Akron, Ohio.
• 1947 - Saab produced its first automobile.
• 1964 - United States Senate broke a 75-day filibuster of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, leading to the bill's passage.
• 1966 - The Mamas and the Papas win a gold record for "Monday, Monday" (Video)
• 1974 - "Feel Like Makin' Love" single released by Roberta Flack (Video)

Birthdays

• 1886 - Sessue Hayakawa, Japanese actor (The Bridge on the River Kwai) and producer (d. 1973) (Video)
• 1895 - Hattie McDaniel, American actress (Gone with the Wind)(d. 1952) (Video)
• 1915 - Saul Bellow, Canadian-American novelist, essayist and short story writer, Nobel Prize laureate (d. 2005)
• 1918 - Barry Morse, English-Canadian actor and director (d. 2008) (The Fugitive, Space: 1999) (Video)
• 1921 - Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (d. 2021)[
• 1922 - Judy Garland, American singer, actress, and vaudevillian (d. 1969) (Video)
• 1928 - Maurice Sendak, American author and illustrator (d. 2012) ("Where the Wild Things Are") (Video)
• 1929 - James McDivitt, American general, pilot, and astronaut (Gemini 4, Apollo 9)
• 1933 - F. Lee Bailey, American criminal defense attorney (Sam Shepard; Boston Strangler; Patty Hearst; OJ Simpson)(d. 2021)
• 1949 - Kevin Corcoran, actor (Swiss Family Robinson, Babes in Toyland), born in Santa Monica, California (d. 2015) (Video)
• 1959 - Eliot Spitzer, American lawyer and politician, 54th Governor of New York (Video- Client 9: The Rise and Fall of Eliot Spitzer)
• 1965 - Elizabeth Hurley, English model, actress, and producer
• 1968 - Bill Burr, American comedian and actor (Video)

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Miscellany

Rio de Janeiro's Christ statue: 'Thou shalt not bribe'. The Rio branch of the international accounting firm KPMG has signed an agreement with the administration of the Sanctuary of Christ the Redeemer to ensure operations are aboveboard.

Retired nun will plead guilty to stealing more than $835K from Catholic school ...to "pay for expenses that the order would not have approved, much less paid for, including large gambling expenses incurred at casinos and certain credit card charges..."

"Not a good day to get tacos..."two Florida men flying to get tacos when their small plane went down in the Everglades."

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KGB Merch

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Cicadas, Clergy, Computers, Congress, Covid-19, Democrats, Donald Trump, Florida, Jesus, Joe Biden, Joe Manchin, QAnon, Rachel Maddow, Republicans, Susan Collins, Vladimir Putin

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Wow... lots of things happened on May 25:

1803, Ralph Waldo Emerson was born;
1878, Gilbert and Sullivan's comic opera "H.M.S. Pinafore" opened at the Opera Comique in London;
1921, Hal David was born;
1925, John T. Scopes was indicted for teaching human evolution in Tennessee;
1926, Claude Akins was born;
1929, Beverly Sills was born;
1936, Tom T. Hall was born;
1939, Sir Ian McKellen and Dixie Carter were born;
1943, Leslie Uggams was born;
1944, birth of Frank Oz;
1947, Karen Valentine was born;
1955, birth of Connie Selleca;
1960, Amy Klobuchar was born;
1961, U.S. President John F. Kennedy announced, before a special joint session of the US Congress, his goal to initiate a project to put a "man on the Moon" before the end of the decade. (video);
1962, The Isley Brothers release "Twist and Shout" (video) ;
1963, birth of Mike Myers;
1968, The Gateway Arch in St. Louis, Missouri was dedicated;
1969, "Midnight Cowboy" was released and Anne Heche was born;
1970, Octavia Spencer was born;
1977, the original "Star Wars" movie premiered (without the Episode IV-A New Hope subtitle);
1979, "Alien" debuted;
1983, "Return of the Jedi" hit theaters;
1986, The Hands Across America event took place;
1990, Vic Tayback died;
1992, Jay Leno became host of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno";
2001, the first Towel Day;
2007, Charles Nelson Reilly died;
2011, the last episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" aired; (video)
2017, "Wonder Woman" was released;
2020, George Floyd was murdered in Minneapolis, Minnesota during an arrest.

Five years ago today:

"Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in the Washington Post and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelations."
-Conan O'Brien

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The Havana Syndrome first affected spies and diplomats in Cuba. Now it has spread to the White House. US officials suspect Russian spies are aiming microwave radiation devices at targets to collect intelligence from their computers and cell phones. Brain frying is just collateral- not intentional- damage.

re: spies: Jeff Bezos, a real-life Bond villain, may own James Bond very soon. The Wall Street Journal reports that Amazon's recently rumored plans to acquire MGM have taken a major step forward, in a roughly $9 billion deal that is one of the e-commerce giant's largest acquisitions.

re: wealth: Wikipedia is swimming in money— why is it begging people to donate? The site is way richer than it wants you to know.

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Why is Anthony Fauci hedging on the origins of the coronavirus? Three researchers from China's Wuhan Institute of Virology became sick enough in November 2019 that they sought hospital care, according to a previously undisclosed U.S. intelligence report that could add weight to growing calls for a fuller probe of whether the Covid-19 virus may have escaped from the laboratory. Nah. It was the takeout pangolin nuggets they got from Wuhan's Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market.

The 2021 vaccination map looks like the 2020 election map. The scary thing is if something that can save a lot of lives has fallen into the usual political traps, then pretty much anything can.

Speaking of scary things: Once nearly extinct, the Florida panther is making a comeback. Not as scary and aggressive as the Florida cougar.

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Republicans claim January 6th rioters were middle schoolers on field trip. (Andy Borowitz satire)

Senate GOP misrepresents Jan. 6 riot panel. (Associated Press; not satire, alas.)

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Body of missing man found inside dinosaur statue. While police have not confirmed how he got inside, local media reports that the man dropped his phone inside the statue and was trying to retrieve it, BBC News reports. He fell inside, hanging upside down, and was unable to call for help.

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John Oliver humiliates local TV stations with 'sexual wellness blanket' sponsored content.

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A mysterious rise in methane levels is sparking global warming fears.

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US warns against all travel to Japan as Olympics loom. The State Department's warning, which followed the CDC alert, was more blunt. "Do not travel to Japan due to COVID-19, it said in the announcement, which raised the department's travel alert from Level 3 — Reconsider travel — to Level 4 — Do not travel. The previous alert was issued on April 21.

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"I assume the person who first said 'to coin a phrase' said it twice in a row."
-The Covert Comic

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Anthony Fauci, Covert Comic, Covid-19, Cuba, Florida, Havana Syndrome, James Bond, January 6, Japan, Jeff Bezos, John Oliver, May 25, MGM, Olympics, Republicans

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"You pity the fool because you don't want to beat up a fool. You know, pity is between sorry and mercy. See, if you pity him, you know, you won't have to beat him up. So that's why I say fools, you gotta give another chance because they don't know no better. That's why I pity them."
-Mr. T (b. Lawrence Tureaud is 69 today.)

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Reality Checks:

YouTube termintated the "Truth About Vaccines" channel. The channel had about 75,000 subscribers but some of its videos had a much broader reach, including one that had over 1.5 million views and featured Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., a prominent voice in the anti-vaccine movement.

Vax and scratch... New York offers $5M lottery for newly vaccinated. Why not? It appears to work.

When your company is named Covid, you've heard all the jokes. "You know, we get a lot of customers who always want to come up with our new taglines ... 'Covid, we had it first.' Or 'The only thing that's contagious is our quality.' We get all kinds of jokes from people. And a lot of people call and they talk to us and they just, 'can you believe that?' And you just smile a little bit and say, 'yeah,' and you just tell some of the stories that's happened because of it. But, yeah, it's OK."

This guy bought a fake COVID-19 vaccine card on Etsy.

Hundreds of PPP loans went to fake farms in absurd places. An online lending platform called Kabbage sent 378 pandemic loans worth $7 million to fake companies (mostly farms) with names like "Deely Nuts" and "Beefy King."

QAnon believers see Trump's mounting legal troubles as part of 'the plan.' "Do you think they realize how much MOAR powerful Trump will be after being falsely arrested?"

The myth of labor shortages. One of the few ways to have a true labor shortage in a capitalist economy is for workers to be demanding wages so high that businesses cannot stay afloat while paying those wages. But there is a lot of evidence to suggest that the U.S. economy does not suffer from that problem. If anything, wages today are historically low.

They have been growing slowly for decades for every income group other than the affluent. As a share of gross domestic product, worker compensation is lower than at any point in the second half of the 20th century. Two main causes are corporate consolidation and shrinking labor unions, which together have given employers more workplace power and employees less of it.

Former President Obama on UFOs: "What is true, and I’m actually being serious here, is that there's footage and records of objects in the skies, that we don't know exactly what they are, we can't explain how they moved... And The Onion has a summary of what's in the Pentagon report on UFOs, including the revelation that most UFOs were acquired by United Airlines in 1998 as part of a $7 billion merger. Also: How to talk about the Pentagon's UFO report without sounding like a conspiracy theorist.

111-year-old Australian recommends eating chicken brains. Of course he does.

Kevin McCarthy proposes removing January 6th from month of January. (Andy Borowitz)

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Nature:

Alaskan volcano may erupt... Due to low-level volcanic ash emissions and the detection of explosion signals, scientists at the USGS Alaska Volcano Observatory (AVO) have upgraded the color code and alert level at the Semisopochnoi volcano. Semisopochnoi is the easternmost land location in the United States and North America, located just 9.7 miles west of the 180th Meridian in Alaska. (It's eastern because it extends beyond the International Date Line.)

U.S. government forecasts above-normal 2021 Atlantic hurricane season. They predict 3-5 major hurricanes, six to ten moderate hurricanes, and ten to 14 tropical storms. A storm expected to form off Bermuda this week.

Sleep evolved before brains. Sleep affects metabolism pervasively in the body, suggesting that its influence is not exclusively neurological.

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Researchers are restarting a DNA study of the remains of Christopher Columbus to try to settle the question of his nationality. Given his drop in popularity, one has to wonder if this is so the Italians can blame the Portugese.

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Ford's F-150 pickup truck has been the best-selling vehicle in America for decades. A $40K all-electric version may help push the transition away from internal combustion engines. In the meantime, a semiconductor chip shortage has halted production of the F-150, Bronco Sport, and others.

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Federal authorities have seized 68 big cats from an animal park in Oklahoma featured in Netflix's "Tiger King" citing recurring inhumane treatment and improper handling of animals protected by the Endangered Species Act.

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Colonial Pipeline paid hackers $4.4 million to restore its computer systems. In the old days before the Internet, companies who needed to network computers did so by obtaining dedicated leased lines from the telephone company. While expensive, it makes hacking from outside sources far more difficult, since breaking into a system requires actual physical access to the circuit connecting the sites or to a system directly connected to the private network. Also, systems providing essential services should be isolated from the public Internet. (I guess some executives never saw the reboot of Battlestar Galactica. Also, cybercrime is now a major industry- with its own trading markets and even CSR.

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Senators expected to announce deal on US Postal Service reform. It would eliminate the absurd law that required the postal service to pre-pay $5 billion a year in mandatory retiree health care benefits, and require future retirees to enroll in Medicare.

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"I hate everybody including you." The art of saying "no."

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Mr. T, QAnon, The Big Lie, UFOs, Unemployment, YouTube

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Feds raid Giuliani's home, office, escalating criminal probe. Federal agents raided Rudy Giuliani's Manhattan home and office Wednesday, seizing computers and cellphones in a major escalation of the Justice Department's investigationin a major escalation of the Justice Department's investigation into the business dealings of former President Donald Trump's personal lawyer.

America is running low on chicken. Blame covid-19, a sandwich craze and huge appetite for wings.

Turn up the thermostat. living or working in a cool environment for extended periods can lower core body temperature. That decreases metabolic rate – how fast we burn calories – and commonly causes weight gain.

On the other hand... Phoenix could become uninhabitable due to climate change. Also, Declassified satellite images show glaciers are melting faster than ever

The link between 'The West Wing' and Biden's address. Viewers notice remarkable similarity to a plan set out by Martin Sheen's character in long-running political drama.

Jimmy Kimmel gently tells MyPillow's Mike Lindell he thinks Lindell's old crack habit made him paranoid.

Flu has disappeared worldwide during the COVID pandemic. The public health measures that slow the spread of the novel coronavirus work really well on influenza.

FDA moves to ban menthol cigarettes and flavored cigars. "Banning menthol—the last allowable flavor—in cigarettes and banning all flavors in cigars will help save lives, particularly among those disproportionately affected by these deadly products," Acting FDA Commissioner Dr. Janet Woodcock said in a statement. "With these actions, the FDA will help significantly reduce youth initiation, increase the chances of smoking cessation among current smokers, and address health disparities experienced by communities of color, low-income populations, and LGBTQ+ individuals, all of whom are far more likely to use these tobacco products."

Phasers on stun? US investigating possible mysterious directed energy attack near White House.

Well, this is disburbing: The clockwork universe: is free will an illusion? A growing chorus of scientists and philosophers argue that free will does not exist. Could they be right?

Physicists prove that the imaginary part of quantum mechanics really exists! The exclamation point is theirs, not mine. Still, scientists discover imaginary numbers aren't imaginary.

More good news: Omega-3 fish oil supplements linked with heart rhythm disorder. Omega-3 supplements are associated with an increased likelihood of developing atrial fibrillation in people with high blood lipids. That's the finding of a study published today in European Heart Journal – Cardiovascular Pharmacotherapy, a journal of the European Society of Cardiology (ESC).

Earth has been knocked off its axis over the last 25 years, changing the locations of the north and south poles.

Andy Borowitz: Explosive video reveals Biden plot to use his power to improve living conditions

I have the sinking suspicion I'm cheugy.

San Francisco sound engineer accidentally dosed with LSD while cleaning 1960s radio equipment.

Man cooking up ramen in a Speedo accidentally shoots himself in the nuts with 20 bottle rockets.

99-year-old Betty White's secret to a long and happy life is junk food. "She eats crap," her former Hot in Cleveland co-star Jane Leeves told UsMagazine.com in 2011. “She eats Red Vines, hot dogs, French fries, and Diet Coke. If that's key, maybe she's preserved because of all the preservatives.”

It's Bugs Bunny Day. On this date in 1938, a preliminary version of Bugs (named Happy) appeared in Porky's Hare Hunt.

Among other things, today is Adopt a Shelter Pet Day, Childcare Professionals Day, Day of the Child, Hairstyle Appreciation Day, International Jazz Day, Lag B'omer, National Animal Advocacy Day, National Arbor Day, National Bubble Tea Day, National Hairball Awareness Day, National Honesty Day, National Military Brats Day, National Mr. Potato Head Day, National Oatmeal Cookie Day, National PrepareAthon! Day, National Raisin Day, National Sarcoidosis Day, and Spank Out Day.

Have a great weekend! See you Monday!

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Astronomy, Betty White, Bugs Bunny, Cheugy, Chicken shortage, Climate change, Covid-19, FDA, Health, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, Mike Lindell, Phoenix, Porky Pig, Quantum mechanics, Rudy Giuliani, The West Wing

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With all the police shootings and references to "bad apples," this is worth revisiting..

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Thought of the day: "I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
-Ludwig Wittgenstein (26 April 1889 – 29 April 1951) (More Ludwig Wittgenstein quotes)

Along those lines, Experts say humanity faces a grim and "ghastly future"– state of planet is much worse than most people understand. But then, if you're not rich, good news: You're probably getting a tax cut.

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AP Fact Check- all the news that didn't happen last week.

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Millions are skipping their second doses of COVID vaccines. More than 5 million people, or nearly 8% of those who got a first shot of the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines, have missed their second doses, according to the most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That is more than double the rate among people who got inoculated in the first several weeks of the nationwide vaccine campaign. Meanwhile, virus 'swallowing' people in India; crematoriums overwhelmed. And Alaska Airlines has banned Alaska state senator Lora Reinbold for her continued refusal to comply with employee instruction regarding the current mask policy.

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IRS is holding millions of tax returns, delaying refunds. We filed with TurboTax the first day the IRS began accepting returns, and had our refund in just ten days.

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Innumeracy: Wandering through the produce department of Giant Eagle over the weekend, I strolled past a rather large display of fresh strawberries. There were two groups: one pound containers, which appeared to be selling faster than the adjacent two pound packages. The sign said the one pound packages were on sale: two for $6. The two pound packages were $4.99. So the one pound packages cost $3 per pound, while the two pound packages were about $2.50 per pound. Canned and packaged goods on the self usually have a unit cost on their price stickers which show the cost of the item per ounce. Take a close look the next time you're at the store... that "large economy size" actually costs more than the "standard" size.

Speaking of grocery stores, I was engaged in a discussion with a lady in the checkout line who was asserting that cats were better overall pets than dogs. I have nothing against cats, but dogs are indisputably better companions; it's intrinsic to their make-up. Compare a 20 pound dog to a 150 pound dog. Aside from size, they're, well, dogs. Compare a 20 pound cat to a 150 pound cat. The former is a house pet, the latter is something that's higher on the food chain than you.

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Quotation trivia: "What fresh hell can this be?" is a line that has been attributed many times to Shakespeare but is actually from American author/critic/poet and wit Dorothy Parker. She is reported to have used the phrase when interrupted by a telephone. She then started using it in place of "hello" when answering the phone. In many ways she can be considered the patron saint of all tech support workers. (More Dorothy Parker quotations.)

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This would be funny if it weren't a direct threat to our democracy:

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Don't be evil: Google shifted more than $75.4 billion (£63 billion) in profits out of the Republic using the controversial "double-Irish" tax arrangement in 2019, the last year in which it used the loophole.

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Cheerleader's Snapchat rant leads to 'momentous' Supreme Court case on student speech. ...an adolescent outburst and the adult reaction to it has arrived at the Supreme Court, where it could determine how the First Amendment's protection of free speech applies to the off-campus activities of the nation's 50 million public school students.

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Why are there no horse-sized rabbits?

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Among other things, today is Alien Day, Audubon Day, Get Organized Day, Hug a Friend Day, Hug an Australian Day, International Chernobyl Disaster Remembrance Day, National Dissertation Day, National Help a Horse Day, National Kids and Pets Day, National Pretzel Day, National Richter Scale Day, National Static Cling Day, Pesach Sheni, and World Intellectual Property Day.

On this date in 1986, a nuclear accident occurred at the No. 4 reactor in the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant, near the city of Pripyat in the north of the Ukrainian SSR. It is considered the worst nuclear disaster in history both in terms of cost and casualties, and is one of only two nuclear energy accidents rated at seven —the maximum severity— on the International Nuclear Event Scale, the other being the 2011 Fukushima Daiichi nuclear disaster in Japan. The initial emergency response, together with later decontamination of the environment, ultimately involved more than 500,000 personnel and cost an estimated 18 billion Soviet rubles— roughly US$68 billion in 2019, adjusted for inflation.

Remembering Vic Perrin, (April 26, 1916 – July 4, 1989) American radio, film, and television actor, perhaps best remembered for providing the "Control Voice" in the original version of the television series The Outer Limits (1963–1965).

Carol Burnett (b. April 26, 1933) is 88 today. Famous quote: "Having a baby is like taking your lower lip and pulling it over the top of your head." (More Carol Burnett quotes.)

Melania Trump (born Melanija Knavs, Germanized as Melania Knauss, on April 26, 1970) is 51 today.

Bobby Rydell (b. Robert Louis Ridarelli, April 26, 1942) is 79 today.

Giorgio Moroder (b. Giovanni Giorgio Moroder, April 26, 1940) is 81 today. An Italian composer, songwriter, and record producer, he has been called the "Father of Disco", and is credited with pioneering euro disco and electronic dance music. His work with synthesizers had a large influence on several music genres such as Hi-NRG, Italo disco, new wave, house and techno music.

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Andy Borowitz: Trump blasts Biden for firing almost no one in first hundred days. At the rate Biden is going, Trump said, "He's going to be looking across his desk at the same losers the entire time he's in office."

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I didn't watch the Academy Awards last night because the "pre-game" show featuring performances of the nominated songs left me underwhelmed. It reminded me of an Oscar performance so sublime that I remember it clearly 42 years later. Thanks to the miracle of YouTube, let's return to those thrilling days of yesteryear to the 51st Annual Academy Awards (1979), when they really knew how to pull out all the stops and put on a show. With lyrics by Fred Ebb and music by Larry Grossman, "Oscar's Only Human (Not Even Nominated)" featured Steve Lawrence and Sammy Davis Jr. performing a medley of outstanding songs that were not even nominated for a Best Original Song Oscar®.

If your song didn't win the Academy Award
And you're feeling dejected and deflated,
Imagine the shape you might have been in
If you hadn't even been nominated.

Running an impressive ten minutes, the Academy's music branch initially protested the segment and urged it be dropped from the ceremony. It remained after producer Jack Haley Jr. threatened to quit and take first-time emcee Johnny Carson with him.

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Categories: Alphabet, Andy Borowitz, Bobby Rydell, Carol Burnett, Cats, Chernobyl, Covid-19, Dogs, Dorothy Parker, First Amendment, Google, Ireland, IRS, Ludwig van Beethoven, Melania Trump, Strawberries, Supreme Court, Taxes, Vic Perrin

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I think I'm done with Facebook. Just got suspended for a week for a post that violates "community standards." Problem is, the item their moronic AI finds offensive was posted six years ago.

I'm still a bit away from updating the software here on the website, but I'm going to post something here daily to stay in practice.

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Granddaughter Leanna turns 18 on Friday. She's graduating from Taylor Allderdice High School next month and heading off to Edinboro University in the fall, probably majoring in math and computer science. Here she's taking a break from homeschooling with her beagle/basset rescue, Pepper.

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My mother is upset because her home appliances are failing. She bought them when she bought the house, back in the mid-1960s before consumer goods became mostly disposable. She's not upset that she has to purchase replacements; it's just that she'll be 95 this year, and she says she hates buying stuff that will last longer than she will. I'm not so sure... the day after Christmas she went shopping for the half-off Christmas cards she plans on sending next year.

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Speaking of the sixties, I went through all this social upheaval back then. I really don't need to experience it again. At least in the sixties we had good music.

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I tried to get into this, but I just end up fast-forwarding to see the special effects. I don't find the concept of Superman being unable to deal with his moody teenage twins particularly engaging.

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Florida sheriff tells people moving to state not to "Vote the stupid way you did up north."

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Republicans blame Biden for making millions of Americans' arms hurt.

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Florida, Joe Biden, KGB Blog News, KGB Family, Peter, Paul and Mary, Sixties, Superman

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Today is Tuesday, May 26, the 147th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 219 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is National Blueberry Cheesecake Day, National Cherry Dessert Day, National Paper Airplane Day, Sally Ride Day, World Dracula Day, World Lindy Hop Day, and World Redhead Day.

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Rmembering John Wayne (born Marion Robert Morrison; May 26, 1907 - June 11, 1979) (Video)

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Remembering Jay Silverheels (born Harold Jay Smith, May 26, 1912 - March 5, 1980) (Video)

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Remembering Peter Cushing (May 26, 1913 - August 11, 1994) (Video)

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The video you must watch today. A little over 21 minutes, but worth it. (Video)

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Stevie Nicks is 72 today; Pam Grier is 71 today; Bobcat Goldwaith is 58 today; Helena Bonham Carter is 54 today.

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Glen Campbell's recording of Rhinestone Cowboy was released on this day in 1975. (Video)

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China's 'Bat Woman' warns coronavirus is just tip of the iceberg. Shi Zhengli, a virologist renowned for her work on coronavirus in bats, said in an interview on Chinese state television that viruses being discovered now are "just the tip of the iceberg" and called for international cooperation in the fight against epidemics.

Related: Nobel laureates and science groups demand NIH review decision to kill coronavirus grant.

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First human trial of possible COVID-19 vaccine triggers rapid immune response, few side-effects. But... the ability to trigger these immune responses does not necessarily indicate that the vaccine will protect humans from COVID-19.

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Desperate rats are brazenly searching for food during the coronavirus pandemic, CDC warns. "They're mammals just like you and I, and so when you're really, really hungry, you're not going to act the same. You're going to act very bad, usually," Bobby Corrigan, an urban rodentologist, told NBC News.

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"The new normal." On weekend dedicated to war dead, Trump tweets insults, promotes baseless claims and plays golf.

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WHO pauses trial of hydroxychloroquine as coronavirus treatment amid safety concerns.

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Scientists warn against high doses of vitamin D supplementation for preventing or treating COVID-19. Examining previous studies in this field scientists found no evidence of a link between high dose supplementation of vitamin D in helping to prevent or successfully treat Covid-19 and cautioned against over supplementation of the vitamin, without medical supervision, due to health risks.

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What happens when your health care system is based on making a profit: At a time when medical professionals are putting their lives at risk, tens of thousands of doctors in the United States are taking large pay cuts.

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Wealthiest hospitals got billions in bailout intended for struggling health providers. Seattle-based Providence Health System, one of the country's largest and richest hospital chains is sitting on nearly $12 billion in cash, which it invests, Wall Street-style, in a good year generating more than $1 billion in profits. And this spring, Providence received at least $509 million in government funds, one of many wealthy beneficiaries of a federal program that is supposed to prevent health care providers from capsizing during the coronavirus pandemic.

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Hot dogs sales skyrocket by more than 120% during the coronavirus pandemic, as Americans embrace the 'best quarantine food.' The question no one is asking: Which will kill you first?

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Borowitz:

Fauci urges Trump to remain on golf course until pandemic is over.

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Trump says Republican National Convention might move from Charlotte if the state doesn't relax is coronavirus rules... but no other city wanted to host it. An article published by New York Magazine's Intelligencer blog laid out the GOP's struggle with the headline: "GOP Awards Its 2020 Convention to the Only City That Sorta Kinda Wanted It."

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Trump sees a 'rigged election' ahead. Democrats see a constitutional crisis in the making. The president’s increasingly amped-up rhetoric surrounding the integrity of the November elections has many wondering how he might respond to a defeat.

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China warns U.S. taking world to brink of 'new Cold War' over coronavirus. The ratcheting up of tensions comes as Beijing is hounded by questions over alleged missteps in its initial response to contain the virus.

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SpaceX is about to launch two astronauts into space in a historic first. NASA's Commercial Crew program, aimed at developing private spacecraft to transport American astronauts in to space, began under Barack Obama.

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Want to buy a used car? Rental car companies are offering up some good deals. All of the major car rental companies- Hertz, Enterprise, Alamo Avis, Budget and others- list their used rental cars for sale on their web sites. Shoppers can search inventories and test drives are usually much more generous than you'll find at typical used car dealers.

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Microsoft confirms new Windows 10 update warning The problem, once again, is KB4556799, a recent Windows 10 update pushed to millions of PCs which has already caused numerous issues, including Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) crashes, deleted user data, performance issues, broken audio and more. Microsoft is investigating these problems, but the company has now also confirmed on the official KB4556799 update page that it can break Internet connections as well.

 

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Please consider donating to Feeding America
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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bobcat Goldwaith, CDC, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Glen Campbell, Health, Helena Bonham Carter, Jay Silverheels, John Wayne, Microsoft, Pam Grier, Peter Cushing, Rhinestone Cowboy, SpaceX, Squirrels, Stevie Nicks, Twitter, Video, Windows, YouTube

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Note: KGB Report will return on Tuesday, May 26. The Memorial Day weekend is when we traditionally clean up, reconfigure, and re-wire the office. And it's been a tough year...

Today is Tuesday, May 21st, the 142nd day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 224 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is American Red Cross Founder's Day, Ascension, Brown Bag It Thursday, Global Accessibility Awareness Day, Hummus Day, I Need a Patch for That Day, National Apéritif Day, National Memo Day, National Notebook Day, National Strawberries and Cream Day, National Waiters and Waitresses Day, Rapture Party Day, Sister Maria Hummel Day, and World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development.

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Mr. T is 68 today. (Video)

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On this day in 1980, The Empire Strikes Back was released. (Video)

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The last episode of Newhart aired on this day in 1990. (Video)

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'We've been muzzled': CDC sources say White House putting politics ahead of science.

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GOP fronts 'pro-Trump' doctors to prescribe rapid reopening.

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Two dam breaches in central Michigan force mass evacuations. (Video)

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Uh oh. Study shows 70% of consumers would rather watch new movies at home. 13% say they are more likely to watch at a local cinema (with 17% not sure).

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Trump threatens to withhold aid to two states over expanded voting by mail. President Trump on Wednesday threatened to halt federal funding to Michigan and Nevada over the distribution of absentee ballots in those states amid the ongoing coronavirus outbreak that has left more than 90,000 Americans dead.

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NASA's head of human spaceflight abruptly resigns, citing 'mistake'. The source familiar with the reason for Loverro's departure said the issue centered on contracts that were awarded earlier this year for development of lunar landers, or vehicles that can carry astronauts to the moon's surface.

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Trump announces executive order 'suspending' regulations impeding US economy. The order is about "instructing federal agencies to use any and all authority to waive, suspend and eliminate unnecessary regulations that impede economic recovery," Mr Trump said before signing it with a large black felt pen.

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Windows 10 warning: anger at Microsoft rises with serious new failure. Microsoft’s new KB4556799 Windows 10 update is causing a myriad of problems for users, including Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) crashes, deleted data, performance issues, broken audio and more. And users are not happy.

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Will government mandate COVID-19 vaccinations? The Congressional Research Service says the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that "The states' general police power to promote public health and safety encompasses the authority to require mandatory vaccinations."" And states have all exercised that authority for children, usually allowing for some exceptions. CRS also says, "Congress, as a result of various enumerated powers in the Constitution, likewise has some authority over public health matters, including regulation of vaccination."

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Chuck E. Cheese tricks Grubhub customers with sneaky new name.

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Borowitz:

Trump Fears Painting of Obama at White House would spy on him.

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Thoughts of the day:

Any government which made the welfare of men depend on the character of their governors was an illusion.
-Daniel J. Boorstin

The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting.
-Charles Bukowski

I try to avoid experience if I can. Most experience is bad.
-E.L. Doctorow

All scientifically possible technology and social change predicted in science fiction will come to pass, but none of it will work properly.
-Neil Gaiman

You have more to do than you can possibly do. You just need to feel good about your choices.
-David Allen

Distraction! (Video)

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bob Newhart, CDC, Chuck E. Cheese, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Microsoft, Mr. T, NASA, Star Wars, Vaccines, Windows

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Today is Tuesday, May 20th, the 141st day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 225 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is Be a Millionaire Day, Eliza Doolittle Day, Emergency Medical Services for Children Day, Flower Day, International Clinical Trials Day, National Quiche Lorraine Day, National Rescue Dog Day, Pick Strawberries Day, Turn Beauty Inside Out Day, World Autoimmune Arthritis Day, and World Bee Day.

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Remembering James "Jimmy" Stewart (May 20, 1908 - July 2, 1997) (Video)

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Remembering George Gobel (May 20, 1919 - February 24, 1991) (Video)

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Cher is 74 today.

(Video) Click here for a collection of quotes by Cher.

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Scientists in China believe new drug can stop pandemic 'without vaccine'. The drug uses neutralising antibodies- produced by the human immune system to prevent the virus infecting cells... isolated from the blood of 60 recovered patients.

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'Hard stop': States could lose National Guard virus workers. The Trump administration’s order ends deployments on June 24, just one day before thousands would qualify for education and retirement benefits.

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NASA scientists detect evidence of parallel universe where time runs backward. Maybe we can run it back to, say, 2016?

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Coronoavirus, murder hornets... what's next? 17-year cicadas to emerge in 3 states this spring, summer. Also... Rabbits are facing a deadly virus of their own. And this: The coronavirus pandemic could indirectly cause measles outbreaks, CDC warns.

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Trip of a lifetime with no end in sight- life on small boats stuck at sea. Thanks to quarantine orders, small recreational boaters are stuck where they are.

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Bicycle sales surge as Americans seek to avoid mass transit and get exercise.

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How a pizza shop owner reportedly turned DoorDash's own fee structure against it.

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Florida man who downplayed coronavirus as 'fake crisis' gets infected, warns others after ending up in ICU with wife.

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The scientist who created Florida's COVID-19 data portal wasn't just removed from her position on May 5, she was fired on Monday by the Department of Health, she said, for refusing to manipulate data.

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The pandemic is not all bad for all businesses... As coronavirus crushes small restaurants, big chains see room to move in.

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Batwoman bails. In a major surprise, Ruby Rose has departed the lead role on The CW's Batwoman after a single season. Producer Warner Bros. TV says the role will be recast.

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If you wash berries in salt water, little bugs will start to crawl out. At least they're not murder hornets.

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Borowitz:

New test indicates hydroxychloroquine causes delusions.
Trump orders Pence to start picking up Pompeo's laundry.

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Thoughts of the day:

"...the new Space Force flag... they clearly ripped off from Star Trek. Star Trek is a CBS property sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to cease and desist your copyright infringement or, at the very least, remove the tribble from your head."
-Stephen Colbert

"When a new baby laughs for the first time a new fairy is born, and as there are always new babies there are always new fairies. "
-J.M. Barrie

"Disease can never be conquered, can never be quelled by emotion's wailful screaming or faith's cymballic prayer. It can only be conquered by the energy of humanity and the cunning in the mind of man. In the patience of a Curie, in the enlightenment of a Faraday, a Rutherford, a Pasteur, a Nightingale, and all other apostles of light and cleanliness, rather than of a woebegone godliness, we shall find final deliverance from plague, pestilence, and famine."
-Sean O'Casey

"Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind."
-Albert Einstein

"Physicians pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into humans of which they know nothing."
-Voltaire (François Marie Arouet

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Please consider donating to Feeding America
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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Animals, Batwoman, Cher, Covid-19, George Gobel, James Stewart, Jimmy Stewart

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Today is Monday, May 18, the 139th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 227 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reese's® Day, International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day. National Cheese Soufflé Day, National No Dirty Dishes Day, National Visit Your Relatives Day, Send an Electronic Greeting Card Day, and World AIDS Vaccine Day.

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Supreme Court debacle: On this date in 1896, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Plessy v. Ferguson that the "separate but equal" doctrine was constitutional.

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On this date in 1933 as part of the New Deal, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the act creating the Tennessee Valley Authority, a federally owned corporation created by congressional charter to provide navigation, flood control, electricity generation, fertilizer manufacturing, and economic development to the Tennessee Valley, a region particularly affected by the Great Depression.

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On this day 70 years ago, St. Louis Cardinals third baseman Tommy Glaviano made errors on three consecutive grounders in the bottom of the ninth, allowing the Brooklyn Dodgers a 9-8 victory. At least he could tell himself it wasn't, you know, something people would remember two decades into the next century or anything

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On this day in 1962, A birthday salute to U.S. President John F. Kennedy took place at Madison Square Garden, New York City. The highlight was Marilyn Monroe's rendition of "Happy Birthday." (Video)

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Tina Fey is 50 today. Click here for quotes by Tina Fey.

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On this date in 1980, Mount St. Helens in Washington state erupted, directly killing 57 people and releasing thermal energy equivalent to 26 megatons of TNT, over 1,700 times larger than the bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Japan in 1945. (Video)

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Ever listen to Trump ramble and wonder what he was asked about in the first place? Now it's a game you can play at home! From The Daily Show. (Video)

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This just about sums it up... (Video)

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Inside Trump's coronavirus meltdown. Again and again, the story that emerged is of a president who ignored increasingly urgent intelligence warnings from January, dismisses anyone who claims to know more than him and trusts no one outside a tiny coterie, led by his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner- the property developer who Trump has empowered to sideline the best-funded disaster response bureaucracy in the world. "It is as though we knew for a fact that 9/11 was going to happen for months, did nothing to prepare for it and then shrugged a few days later and said, 'Oh well, there's not much we can do about it,'" says Gregg Gonsalves, a public health scholar at Yale University. "Trump could have prevented mass deaths and he didn't."

Meanwhile, on Earth 2: Eric Trump accuses Democrats of "milking" coronavirus lockdowns to win the election.

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Borowitz: Trump says nation will have vaccine before it sees his taxes.

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Obama openly criticizes Trump administration's coronavirus response. (Video)

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'A lot to be hopeful for': Crisis seen as historic, not another Great Depression.

Related: Drastic makeover looms for world's most followed stock index. "The S&P committee is going to have to decide how long they want to wait before ditching COVID-damaged companies..."

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As cable TV fades, fearing 'the end of Comedy Central.' The network that made the careers of Dave Chappelle, Stephen Colbert and Amy Schumer has laid off top executives while looking to make shows that are cheaper to produce.

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Space Force launches robotic X-37B space plane on new mystery mission. While the X-37B's exact purpose is a secret, Space Force officials have revealed that the craft is packing numerous experiments on this trip to test out different systems in space. Some of those experiments include a small satellite called FalconSat-8, two NASA payloads designed to study the effects of radiation on different materials as well as seeds to grow food, and a power-beaming experiment using microwave energy. (story includes video)

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ViacomCBS, which owns Paramount and the Star Trek® franchise, should sue Trump for using the phrase "warp speed" for the vaccination projects and the delta shield emblem as the core of its Space Force logo. Not for intellectual property violations, but for damaging the value of its brand via association with a malignant miscreant.

And speaking of Star Trek, seven years ago today my wife and I saw "Star Trek: Into Darkness," by far the worst Star Trek film ever made.

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Meteor caught on doorbell camera. A Summerville, SC family caught a meteor entering Earth's atmosphere on their doorbell video camera early Thursday morning. The video, provided by the Giltner family, was taken around 12:42 a.m. (video)

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Trump 'spiritual adviser' Paula White imitates queen bee dance to declare end to the coronavirus pandemic.

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Expert's COVID-19 swimming pool study: chlorine no safety guarantee, high-level controls the way back to the water.

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Here's what a solar minimum is and why NASA says it's nothing to worry about. Some say the current cycle could be a repeat of the Dalton Minimum, which was one of the most extreme weather periods in history. The Dalton minimum was a period that lasted over three solar cycles from 1790-1830 and resulted in heavy snows, deep frost and general cooling around the globe. NASA scientists say there's no mini ice age on the horizon, because planetary warming due to climate change will offset the cycle. There. Feel better?

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Offered without comment: (Video)

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Thoughts of the day:

Among the rich you will never find a really generous man even by accident. They may give their money away, but they will never give themselves away; they are egotistic, secretive, dry as old bones. To be smart enough to get all that money you must be dull enough to want it.
-G.K. Chesterton

The written word will soon disappear and we'll no longer be able to read good prose like we used to could. This prospect does not gentle my thoughts or tranquil me toward the future.
-James Thurber

There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate.
-Barack Obama

We can usually recognize the consequence of our actions. It is the consequence of our inaction that gets confused with the inevitable.
-Robert Brault

The more you know, the sadder you get.
-Stephen Colbert

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I'm a sucker for rescue dogs to begin with, but this sweetheart tore my heart out. Thank goodness she found a loving home with a great mom dedicated to caring for special needs dogs. (Video)

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Things are really rough out there.
Please consider donating to Feeding America
.

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Climate change, Comedy Central, Covid-19, Daily Show, Donald Trump, Eric Trump, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Meteors, Mount St. Helens, NASA, New Deal, Paula White, Rudy Giuliani, SCOTUS, Space Force, Star Trek, Supreme Court, Tennessee Valley Authority, The Sun, Tina Fey, Tommy Glaviano, Video, YouTube

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Today is Tuesday, May 12, the 133rd day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 233 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is International Awareness Day, International Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day, International Nurses' Day, Lag B'omer, Limerick Day, National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, National Nutty Fudge Day, Odometer Day, and Sex Differences in Health Awareness Day.

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Remembering Florence Nightingale (May 12, 1820 - August 13, 1910), British social reformer and statistician, and the founder of modern nursing.

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Remembering Katharine Hepburn (May 12, 1907 - June 29, 2003) a leading lady in Hollywood for more than 60 years. She appeared in a range of genres, from screwball comedy to literary drama, and she received a record (for any gender) four Academy Awards for Lead Acting Performances, plus eight further nominations. In 1999, Hepburn was named by the American Film Institute the greatest female star of Classic Hollywood Cinema. She was known for her fierce independence and spirited personality. (Video)

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Remembering Yogi Berra (May 12, 1925 - September 22, 2015), legendary baseball catcher and manager, perhaps best remembered for his "Yogi-isms".

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Burt Bacharach is 92 today. (video)

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Remembering Tom Snyder (May 12, 1936 - July 29, 2007) (Video)

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Remembering the great comedian and social philosopher George Carlin (May 12, 1937 - June 22,  2008). (Video)

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Actor Ving Rhames is 61 today. (video)

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Remembering Jerry Stiller (June 8, 1927 - May 11, 2020) (video)

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Thoughts of the day:

The damage done in one year can sometimes take ten or twenty years to repair.
-Chinua Achebe

We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
-Bill Hicks

The point is that if you are a little different, or a little outrageous, or if you do things that are bold or controversial, the press is going to write about you.
-Donald Trump

In government the sin of pride manifests itself in the recurring delusion that things are under control.
-George F. Will

Some people are so sensitive that they feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooks them.
-Frank McKinney (Kin) Hubbard

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The stakes of Trump's tax return case couldn't be higher. The dispute over Trump's tax returns has been politically heated but, legally, this should be an easy call for the court. Trump has fought to the bitter end, though ultimately the law should give him no refuge: the tax returns must go to Congress, and even as a sitting president, he cannot be immune from investigation by prosecutors. You can listen to the arguments today at 10 a.m. on most cable news stations.

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Maddow: Trump is 'visibly struggling' and can't 'keep it together' right now. "Whether or not you like the president or not, whether you enjoy his public affect or not on a regular basis, it is clear that there is something wrong. And that's important whenever the president of the United States is visibly unwound like that."

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Susan Collins to self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions. (Borowitz)

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Americans' views of the news media during the covid-19 outbreak. Even in crisis, Republicans and Democrats remain starkly divided in their attitudes toward journalists. Personal reality apparently isn't as effective as is thought.

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The Risks - Know Them - Avoid Them. This is an impressively clear explanation of how the virus often spreads inside confined spaces, like restaurants, churches, workplaces and schools. Even when people remain more than six feet apart, they can become infected by breathing the same air as an infected person for an extended period of time... Those scenarios are more worrisome than a quick trip to the grocery store or almost any outdoor activity.

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Senate Republicans break with Trump over 'Obamagate. President Donald Trump's aggressive campaign to encourage sweeping investigations of his predecessor Barack Obama met a unanimous response from Senate Republicans: No thanks.

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How pandemics end. An infectious outbreak can conclude in more ways than one, historians say. But for whom does it end, and who gets to decide?

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Trump storms out Of Coronavirus briefing after female reporters challenge him. Go easy on him, ladies. He has small hands.

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Will there be a second round of coronavirus stimulus checks?

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The Glove Challenge- People are wearing disposable gloves to protect themselves from the coronavirus, but who will protect the oceans and waterways from the gloves that get tossed on the ground?

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More than 1,900 former Justice Dept. employees again call for Barr's resignation, asserting in an open letter he had “once again assaulted the rule of law” by moving to drop the case against President Trump's former national security adviser Michael Flynn.

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CEOs were asked to remove their masks before meeting with Pence in Iowa. This took place only a few hours after Katie Miller, Pence's press secretary, tested positive for COVID-19.

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Things are really rough out there. Please consider donating to Feeding America.

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Burt Bacharach, Colin Powell, Covid-19, Dick Cavett, Donald Trump, Florence Nightingale, George Carlin, Jerry Stiller, Katharine Hepburn, Michael Flynn, Susan Collins, Tom Snyder, Ving Rhames, William Barr, Yogi Berra

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Today is May 6, is the 127th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 239 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is Bike To School Day, Great American Grump Out, International No Diet Day, Joseph Brackett Day, National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day, National Beverage Day, National Crêpe Suzette Day, National Nurses Day, National School Nurse Day, National Tourist Appreciation Day, No Homework Day, Occupational Safety and Health Professional Day.

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As a maskless Trump tours an Arizona plant making face masks, someone plays "Live and Let Die" over the PA system...

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Remembering Orson Welles (May 6, 1915 – October 10, 1985):

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On this day in 1937, the German zeppelin Hindenburg burst into flames and crashed while attempting to dock with its mooring mast at Naval Air Station Lakehurst in New Jersey. 36 persons were killed, including one on the ground.

Trivia: The Hindenburg was supposed to be filled with helium instead of flammable hydrogen, but the sole source of helium, the United States, refused to sell it to Germany. Although abundant in the universe, helium is very scarce on Earth. The only commercially viable reserves are a few natural gas wells, mostly in the US, that trap it from the slow alpha decay of radioactive materials within the Earth. By human standards, helium is a non-renewable resource that cannot be practically manufactured from other materials. When released into the atmosphere, e.g., when a helium-filled balloon leaks or bursts, helium eventually escapes into space and is lost.

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On this date in 1994, Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom and French President François Mitterrand officiated at opening of the Channel Tunnel between England and France.

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Willie Mays is 89 today.

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Bob Seger is 75 today.

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Tom Bergeron is 65 today.

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Murder hornets doubt they can do as much damage as Trump. (Borowitz)

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Oh, jeez. Anti-vaccination leaders seize on coronavirus to push resistance to inoculation. Leaders of the anti-vaccination movement, who in recent years have seen their efforts frustrated as U.S. states have adopted stricter laws promoting the inoculation of children, are seizing on the anxiety and social unrest generated by the virus and the government attempts to contain it.

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Octopus-like creatures inhabit Jupiter's moon, claims space scientist.

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Find a vaccine. Next: Produce 300 million vials of it. Scaling up the manufacturing of syringes and other medical products required to deliver a vaccine to millions of Americans will be just as important as the vaccine itself.

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Will Covid-19 go away in the summer and return in the fall? While heat and humidity harm the virus in the lab, that's not the same as real life.

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Trump says he shares his famed uncle's science genius. A friend says the uncle ‘would have been horrified.' The famed scientist John G. Trump once explained his theory of how to treat one malady by the “direct injection of electrons” into patients' skin. To treat another disease, he cited tests that showed it was possible to use electrons to “destroy or inactivate hepatitis virus in blood plasma.” But, President Trump's uncle said, “We unfortunately were not able to persuade anybody to try this,” because there had been “some casualties among volunteers.”

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In Japan, the ‘Murder Hornet' is both a lethal threat and a tasty treat. Long before the insects found their way to American shores, some Japanese prized them for their numbing crunch and the venomous buzz they add to liquor.

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Virus-afflicted 2020 looks like 1918 despite science's march. Modern science quickly identified today's new coronavirus, mapped its genetic code and developed a diagnostic test, tapping knowledge no one had in 1918. That has given people more of a fighting chance to stay out of harm's way, at least in countries that deployed tests quickly, which the U.S. didn't. But the ways to avoid getting sick and what to do when sick are little changed. The failure of U.S. presidents to take the threat seriously from the start also joins past to present.

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One in five Wendy's is out of beef. Around 1,000, or 18%, of Wendy's 5,500 US restaurants are not serving any hamburgers or other meat-based items, according to an analysis of online menus at every location conducted by financial firm Stephens. Wendy's is "more exposed" to the shortage sparked by the coronavirus pandemic because of its reliance on fresh beef compared with its competitors, the note said.

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Think murder hornets are bad? Alabama police search for "aggressive chicken" attacking people at ATMs.

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Things are getting really rough out there. Please consider donating to Feeding America.

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Categories: 1918 Pandemic, Andy Borowitz, Animals, Bob Seger, Channel Tunnel, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Hindenburg, John G. Trump, Jupiter, Murder Hornet, Orson Welles, Spanish Flu, Tom Bergeron, Vaccines, Wendy's, Willie Mays

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Kentucky is fighting same-sex marriage tooth and nail, just as it fought indoor plumbing.
-Andy Borowitz

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer today reflected on her decision to veto the state's anti-gay law: "The decision was a no-brainer, which is why I was capable of making it."
-Andy Borowitz

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Why I canceled my 20+ year subscription to The Wall Street Journal after it was purchased by Rupert Murdoch, in one photo:

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It's a bit odd that when you ask certain conservatives to Love Thy Neighbor they feel their religious freedom is at risk.
-Frank Conniff

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Dutch police have begun using rats to detect drugs and guns in suspects' clothing, so next time you smoke weed in Amsterdam, try not to get paranoid about the Hyper-Intelligent Police Rats.
-Seth Meyers

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Losing to Canada in hockey is like losing to France in cowardice.
-David Burge

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Hi, I'm a guy who supported the Iraq war and is outraged Putin would invade a smaller country that hasn't attacked him.
-John Fugelsang

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, John Fugelsang

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Rehab is a failure if you come out of it and you're still a politician.
-Andy Borowitz

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
-George Carlin

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First, we cannot enhance our own security if we place in jeopardy what is most precious to us, namely, the centrality of human rights in our daily lives and in global affairs. Second, we cannot maintain our historic self-confidence as a people if we generate public panic. Third, we cannot do our duty as citizens and patriots if we pursue an agenda that polarizes and divides our country. Next, we cannot be true to ourselves if we mistreat others. And finally, in the world at large, we cannot lead if our leaders mislead.
-Jimmy Carter

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Civil Rights, George Carlin, Jimmy Carter, Miscellany, Observations, Politics, Scouting

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Hanukkah is the most American holiday because it's a celebration of burning oil that we don't have.
-Andy Borowitz

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day

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Random stuff, as we await the arrival of Sandy Frankenstorm:

God is so busy making sure women get pregnant, I don't know where He finds time to make a hurricane.
-Andy Borowitz

Bill Maher: "You once called Mitt Romney the most intellectually dishonest man in politics. Do you still believe that?"
Barney Frank: "I would strike the word 'intellectually.' "
-(Real Time with Bill Maher, 10/26/12)

If you are having trouble multi-obsessing over both the hurricane and election I will be visiting my mom and will get some tips.
-@pourmecoffee

Bloom's Taxonomy defines educational objectives in terms of three core domains: knowing/head, feeling/heart and doing/hands. These categories are also useful in dating.
-The Covert Comic

How Not To Get A Picture Of Me.
Lesson 1: poke my girlfriend in the back at baggage claim and offer her money.
-Sir Patrick Stewart

There are few things more laughable than a political party that can't get its lie together.
-Robert Brault

If they just called it 'Survivor: Evil/Dumb/Hot/People.' people would start watching again.
-John Fugelsang

Good thing Zooey Deschanel just sang the anthem cuz it's not like Detroit has a rich and vibrant musical history to draw from or anything.
-Jay Satellite

Detroit gave us Motown, Aretha, Bettye LaVette. But none of them has a Fox TV show, so, hey, let's get Zooey Deschanel to sing the World Series anthem.
-Greg Kot

Romney promises Hurricane Sandy will not unfairly target rich people.
-Elayne Boosler

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once and space is what keeps it all from happening to you.
-David Gerrold

BREAKING: Weather Forces Romney to Shift Lying to Other States
-Andy Borowitz

However, we had them in the past and will probably have them in the future, so if you have a time machine, no problem!

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bill Maher, Covert Comic, John Fugelsang, Patrick Stewart, Photo of the day, Quotes of the day, Robert Brault, Twitter, Weather

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Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety.
-Jay Leno

After the debate... experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances.
-David Letterman

In fairness to Sarah Palin, "shuck" and "jive" are just two of the many thousands of words she doesn't know the meaning of.
-Andy Borowitz

One week after Election Day, the banks will be closed and the military will be marching in the street.
It's called Veterans Day.

I'm tired of every Republican politician being a medical supergenius on vaginas. I want to hear gynecologists talk about the national debt.
-Bill Maher

This campaign has dragged on so long Newt Gingrich is abandoning it for a younger, hotter, healthier campaign.
-John Fugelsang

Karl Rove said the Tea Party is “not sophisticated;” which is sort of like saying the Jonas Brothers are “not black.'
-John Fugelsang

I have never been more ashamed for a candidate, Politicizing fallen Americans is pitiful and unacceptable.
-Colin Powell

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Makes sense. They're both moderate Republicans.
-@Indecision

There's something wrong with our politics if we can't even agree about rape anymore.
-Andy Borowitz

I’ll be glad when this election’s over so I’ll know for sure whom I should have voted for.
-Steve Martin

The audience at the debate was instructed to turn off their cell phones because they might interfere with Mitt Romney's circuitry.
-Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Colin Powell, David Letterman, Elections, Jay Leno, John Fugelsang, Sarah Palin, Steve Martin

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From social media, collected in real time during the debate:

Elayne Boosler:

“Boca Raton.” Mouth of the Rat. Just sayin'.

Maybe Mitt could fire Iran.

Mitt: “Gender equality for the middle east.” But not for American women.

Wait. Is this a rerun?

He's gonna ask his parents for the money.

Blame the tumult of the middle east on Obama, because it started only four years ago.

Tumult, that's three! Can meshuga be far behind?

We owe China billions. They've kept us afloat. Let's threaten them!

Mali just declared war on Appleton Wisconsin.

Forget the flag pins. They should have worn squirting carnations.

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Albert Brooks:

Romney won the coin toss so the line between them is white.

Romney can see Russia from two of his houses.

Even Syria is bored with this debate.

Romney's expression says “The afterlife is going to be so tough for you.”

The Pentagon just turned to Monday Night Football.

A half hour in. What have we learned? They both don't like war and like peace. Wow.

I don't know who's winning but Iran has just gone to Def Con 4.

Okay. We're back home again. They couldn't talk foreign affairs for more than 30 minutes. That scares me.

Romney keeps bragging about the Olympics. I saw him. His figure skating was embarrassing.

This Christmas Neiman Marcus is selling maps without Israel.

Get tough on China. Make Walmart close at six.

If Romney sweats any more, I get a royalty.

Romney will call China a currency manipulator. China will laugh and sell him another flag pin.

Romney needs a binder full of kleenex.

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John Fugelsang:

It's unfair to say Mitt Romney is politicizing the tragedy of Benghazi when he's actually exploiting it.

“The only way to deal with your enemy is to make him your friend.” Abraham Lincoln, appeaser.

“We can't kill our way out”- Mitt Romney. “We need to kill them.”- Mitt Romney, two minutes later

“We have to help these nations build civil societies”- Mitt Romney, previously opposed to Nation Building.

If Iran develops a nuclear weapon Romney/Ryan would respond with the strongest possible tax cuts.

Barack Obama just said the debate table was round & Mitt Romney said it's actually flat.

Mitt Romney will stand up to Iran, Syria & Putin and is also afraid to go on The View.

”Attacking me is not an agenda“ Mitt Romney, whose foreign policy plan has consisted of attacking the president on Benghazi.

Romney strongly supports gender equality in middle east; and will get back to you with his opinion on Lily Ledbetter act here.

It's fitting that Mitt Romney resembles Reed Richards from Fantastic Four as his magic power is superhuman stretching.

Mitt just said we should've been more involved in Syria & also been less involved. Those Bush aides were worth every penny.

Mitt Romney believes our government has to solve problems in Syria while letting the Free Market solve problems here.

Romney is clearly winning on making the foreign policy debate not about foreign policy

Mitt Romney just found a way to bash teachers' unions during a foreign policy debate.

I want Bob Schieffer to grab Romney by the lapels and scream “WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEBOWSKI?!”

Mitt wants to repeal Obamacare and increase the Pentagon budget to defend Israel's right to universal (health) care.

Mitt just mentioned how he balanced the budget for the Olympics, leaving out the millions in government earmarks that balanced it.

Non millionaires who voted for Bush and support Romney deserve presidents like Bush and Romney.

Hey, Mitt- If you hate our tax system and want a religious conservative government with no abortion or gay marriage, Iran is waiting for you.

Mitt Romney is ahead on impersonating Albert Brooks' flop sweat from Broadcast News.

“The tightest sanctions must be tightened.”- Mitt Romney. He said that.

Obama took out bin Laden but wait til President Romney takes out Oscar the Grouch

Somewhere in Hell Richard Nixon is embarrassed over Mitt Romney debate sweat

GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like Lucy blaming Charlie Brown for missing the football.

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Andy Borowitz:

Romney: “No one has more experience abroad than my money.”

Romney: “I would bring all female troops home in time to cook dinner.”

Both candidates' use of the numbers 1 through 5 underscores the importance of keeping Sesame Street.

If he loses, Mitt Romney has a bright future as a Clipart character.

Romney: “Across the Middle East, women are being kept in binders.”

When Romney is listening he looks exactly like my dad did when I told him a lie.

We are now discussing the most pressing foreign policy issue facing America today, the reading tests of fourth graders.

Romney: “There's no place more important to me than Israel except Ohio.”

Romney: “If the Prime Minister of Israel called me, I would do what I do whenever someone talks to me: interrupt him.”

Romney: “Not only do I believe in drones, I am one.”

Romney: “The greatest threat to the world is nuclear powered women.”

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Beachwood Reporter

Suddenly every schmo on Twitter is a foreign policy expert.

“That's a perfect segue into the next question which neither of you will answer.”

“And now, a ridiculous question that allows each of you to dispense talking points to your base.

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Bill Maher:

Trouble already: Mitt says he wants to impose sanctions on ”Romnesia“.

“Kill our way out of this mess” is the theme of every American movie not about talking animals or weddings.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground.

Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama's daughters, right?

It's good they agree armed Americans should be involved with everyone, everywhere. We loved armed intervention like Paula Dean loves butter.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground

Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy.

That's an amazingly specific number Mitt keeps pulling out of his ass, 12 million new jobs. But fellas, this is the foreign policy debate!

Jobs, teachers, education - gentlemen, please, can we get back to killing foreigners?

Bob Scheiffer, could you ask about what's IN the military budget? If people knew specifics,”I wouldn't cut nuttin'” wouldn't sound so good

I like hearing Mitt say how great he was for Massachusetts, the state that will never, ever, ever vote for him.

I can't be the only one who's surprised to find out Buster Posey is a white guy. Sorry, flipped to the game.

I've seen wider ideological differences between Jehovah's Witnesses.

Oh no he din't- Romney said his ultimate BubbleFact, “Apology Tour” right in front of the guy who NEVER WENT ON ONE.

To clarify, Mitt is for moving heaven and earth, but only in regards to mining.

You're losing, Mitt- bring up the fact that we have fewer knives and rocks than we did during the French and Indian War.

Shorter version of Romney: Me strong. Obama weak. Hulk smash.

OK Mitt, one more try: we have fewer catapults and barrels of boiling oil than we had in the crusades.

First debate, all agreed, Obama lost; second one, i say he won, but Romney not trounced. But this one? Only bubbledwellers can say Mitt won

Mitt keeps taking issue with being criticized tonight - did they tell him this is a debate?

OK, one last try: We have fewer Andrews Sisters and Ritz Brothers than we did in 1944. So glad we're done with THAT!

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Wonkette:

“The audience has taken a vow of silence.” But not celibacy, one hopes.

We are debating during the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis. This is very important, because we are painfully aware that neither of these men is a Jack Kennedy.

Cutting Obamacare, which the CBO has projected will reduce the deficit, will save money, because MAGIC.

Mitt is in favor of crippling sanctions like the ones Barry has put in place. If elected, he will have the Doctor take him back to the Bush administration to put them in place sooner, and more crippling-er.

Mittens, again with the “tumult.” Why does it sound like Yiddish when he says “tumult”?

You know all about shipping jobs overseas, don’t you Governor? BOOM!

Mitt is pretending that he can feel empathy... Brent Spiner pulled this off a lot more convincingly.

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Various fact checkers:

Politifact rated the claim that the U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force are smaller than in 1917 and 1947 “pants on fire.”

Romney wants to add $2 trillion to defense that it didn't ask for it. True.

Obama 'promised' 5.4 percent unemployment? Mostly False.

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The Onion:

Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America

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Categories: Albert Brooks, Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Elayne Boosler, Elections, John Fugelsang, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, The Beachwood Reporter, The Onion, The Wonkette

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I have learned that saying “no” is the password to the next level.
-Alvin Williams

True, everyone lies, but there's a difference between “No, those pants don't make your ass look fat” and “No, there's nothing incriminating in those unreleased tax returns.”
-Kevin G. Barkes

Obama and Romney should open the next debate with a really well-rehearsed rendition of that “God, I Hope I Get It” song from A Chorus Line.
-Seth McFarland

GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like John Wilkes Booth blaming Lincoln for missing the second act of the play.
-John Fugelsang

The people who gloated over the landslide defeat of George McGovern in 1972 seem to have forgotten its consequences.
-Kevin G. Barkes

It occurs to me that if another country's candidate had financial interest in voting machines, we'd be lecturing them on sanctity of voting.
-Rose Auerbach

For the record, nobody's actually “blaming Bush.” They're blaming Bush policies. “Blaming Bush” implies he was in charge.
-John Fugelsang

I'm thinking of becoming a motivational speaker. But I'm not sure. Should I? Maybe yes, maybe no. Undecided. Kinda thinking about it.
-Steve Martin

You can tell a person is a Republican when they refer to the Democratic Party as the Democrat Party. You can tell a person is a Democrat when he's speaking very slowly to a Republican.
-Kevin G. Barkes

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care were as easy to get as, say, a gun.
-Andy Borowitz

The creator of Mad Libs died. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
-John McNamee

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Categories: Alvin Williams, Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, John McNamee, KGB Opinion, Observations, Rose Auerbach, Seth McFarlane, Steve Martin

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Andy Borowitz:

Romney is starting to make his trip to the London Olympics look like the pinnacle of modern diplomacy.

You would think Mitt Romney would be better at foreign policy given how much time his money has spent overseas.

When our embassy is attacked, we are attacked. Romney's Libya comments display the patriotism of someone who keeps his money in Switzerland.

As reprehensible as Romney's Libya comments are, it's comforting to know that he'll soon contradict them.

John Fugelsang:

The Aurora shooter was able to buy 6000 rounds of ammo on the internet and Tommy Chong went to prison for selling bongs.

I'll sign on for results-based pay for teachers the day Congress gets the same deal.

Mitt Romney has learned that "Entitlement Reform" sounds way better than "Have some more catfood, Nana."

I'd still like to know when "Wit" turned into "Snark."

Lynn Cullen:

What do you get when you take all of the vowels out of Reince Priebus' name? RNC PR BS!

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, Lynn Cullen, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Questions for the Ages, Second Amendment, Twitter

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‎

Andy Borowitz:

The war in Iraq is over, Osama bin Laden is dead, and Charlie Sheen is off Two and a Half Men.

The S & P 500 just hit a 4-year high, which means Obama is the crappiest socialist in history.

John Fugelsang:

People who say Obama mentions bin Laden too much would prefer something more subtle, like wearing a flight suit.

Gov Brian Schweitzer says 'that dog don't hunt.' He don't ride inside the car, either.

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, Quotes of the day

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Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.
-Jay Leno

Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful.
-Jay Leno

The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.
-Jay Leno

To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole.'
-Jay Leno

A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'
-Conan O'Brien

There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called politics.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.
-Jay Leno

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
-Jay Leno

Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.
-Conan O'Brien

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.
-Conan O'Brien

Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.
-Jimmy Fallon

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
-David Letterman

And a collection from the prolific Andy Borowitz:

US politics: the opposite of the Olympics. Every 4 years, billions of dollars are spent to show humans at their worst.

I worry that all the pomp and excitement of the Olympics is making the world forget that Kristen cheated on Rob.

Romney: "The Israelis love me. They've even given me a neat nickname: Mittshugenah."

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin was not ready to be VP, according to We Know That Already, Dumbass magazine.

Romney: "I don't mind that the British keep saying I'm a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a W?"

Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen.

If the Internet is any guide, the two things pro-gun people hate most are 1) background check and 2) spell check.

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Mitt Romney, Olympics, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Sarah Palin

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