Confidence is ten percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.
Gay people don't actually try to convert people. That's Jehovah's Witnesses you're thinking of.
I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society... unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.
I learned quickly that trying to force Country Folk to love the Big City is like telling your gay cousin, 'You just haven't met the right girl yet.'
I prefer the retro chic of spending Christmas just like Joseph and Mary did- Traveling arduously back to the place of your birth to be counted, with no guarantee of a bed when you get there.
I think God designed our mouths to die first to help us slowly transition to the grave.
If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?
If you're ever feeling really good about yourself, there's this thing called the Internet.
It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don't like something, it is empirically not good. I don't like Chinese food, but I don't write articles trying to prove it doesn't exist.
It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.
Never tell a crazy person he's crazy.
Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff?
Seriously, I've just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.
Sometimes if you have a difficult decision to make, just stall until the answer presents itself.
The eyes are the window to where the soul is supposed to be.
The show doesn't go on because it's ready; it goes on because it's 11:30.
When choosing sexual partners, remember: Talent is not sexually transmittable.
When people say, 'You really, really must' do something, it means you don't really have to... When it's true, it doesn't need to be said.
You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
You can't be that kid standing at the top of the water slide, over-thinking it. You have to go down the chute.
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