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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,041 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, January 02, 2010
posted by KGB at 9:53 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Time travel got us out of this mess, time travel can damn well get us back in!
-The Covert Comic

(Our favorite spook also notes that, as you can see from the time-image he smuggled back in his 8-track tape player, for the most part the future is exactly like we predicted it would be.)

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Friday, January 01, 2010
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

And they said it wouldn't last...

Actually, they asked "Is she totally insane?" The jury's still out, but- tada! - it's been a year.

To paraphrase Steven Wright, I intend to be married forever. So far, so good.

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Thursday, December 31, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

The resolutions business

I've come to the realization that all of the personal flaws I wish to address in 2010 can be attributed to procrastination. Therefore, my sole resolution for the new year is that I will no longer procrastinate.

It should be noted, however, that it isn't procrastination if you put it off immediately.

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Wednesday, December 30, 2009
posted by KGB at 1:59 AM (permalink)

Lyric of the day

 

A humanitarian and songwriter, Harry Chapin's mostly remembered for his untimely death in 1981; his only number one hit, Cat's in the Cradle; and the classic story song Taxi.

My favorite Chapin composition is the more obscure WOLD, which contains one of my favorite lyrics:

"Sometimes I get this crazy dream that I just take off in my car, but you could travel on ten thousand miles and still stay where you are."

Indeed.

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Tuesday, December 29, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:10 AM (permalink)

Skippy was hung over the day they discussed calendar algorithms in class...

(from pittsburghlive.com)

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Cartoon of the day

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Monday, December 28, 2009
posted by KGB at 1:14 AM (permalink)

And stop calling me Shirley

The "pants bomber" was foiled by proactive passengers who dived out of their seats and into the fray.

So, of course, the security experts are talking about requiring passengers to remain seated during the final hour of their flight. Which would make the folks who subdued this wingnut potential felons.

Insane?

Yes, but it's entirely consistent with TSA's improv-based security theater that is playing in hundreds of airports across these great United States.

Remember the shoe bomber? He tried to detonate pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN) hidden in his shoe by lighting a fuse with a match.

The next day we were stacking our shoes on the security scanning belts. But initially, we only had to remove our leather shoes and sandals. We didn't have to take off our athletic shoes. You know, the type of freaking footwear the shoe bomber actually wore.

As it turns out, shoe type is irrelevant. PETN can only be detected via a chemical test. The substance is essentially invisible to scanners- which is probably why the pants bomber was able to get his PETN-based device through security, eight years after the shoe bomber made his attempt.

So, how's the shoe scanning working out, fellas?

And the shoe bomber's matches? TSA immediately responded by banning cigarette lighters, but not matchbooks. On a good day, TSA seized about 22,000 lighters. But they let you take your book of safety matches on-board unchallenged, thereby giving you 20 tries to ignite your undetectable explosive device.

I suspect the government has secretly retained Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker- the guys responsible for the classic film Airplane!- as security consultants. It's the only sane explanation for all this insanity.

Airport worker: "Maybe we oughta turn on the search lights now."

Robert Stack: "No... That's just what they'll be expecting us to do!"

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Sunday, December 27, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

So many terrorists have Abdul as one of their names. Maybe we could all keep our shoes on, except guys named Abdul. He had the explosives strapped to his legs. If we have to start taking our pants off, and I have to start shaving my legs before flights, I'll kill him myself.
-Elayne Boosler

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...