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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,041 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Friday, December 04, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Out of one's league

Sometimes it's best just to throw in the towel.

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Thursday, December 03, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

'Tis the season..

 

The Eat 'n Park "Christmas Star" commercial first aired in 1982, and it's still running.

But my all-time favorite Christmas spot was done by CBS in 1966, the year after the premiere of "A Charlie Brown Christmas:"

 

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Wednesday, December 02, 2009
posted by KGB at 1:15 AM (permalink)

A sign of the times...

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Tuesday, December 01, 2009
posted by KGB at 1:42 AM (permalink)

Getting it out of our systems

The difference between a car and a golf ball is Tiger Woods can drive a ball 400 yards.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing.

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

Tiger's wife went for him over a birdie.

Headline from a UK newspaper: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hooker"

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

Tiger Woods' wife caught him playing that 19th hole.

So the cops asked Elin how many times she hit her husband. She said, "Five or six. Put down five."

Tiger Woods drove an Escalade into a tree. He generally treats caddies better than that.

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Monday, November 30, 2009
posted by KGB at 2:49 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

A flea can be taught everything a congressman can.

A patriot is mocked, scorned and hated; yet when his cause succeeds, all men will join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Familiarity breeds contempt- and children.

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Heaven for climate, hell for society.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

I did not attend his funeral, but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it. It is a trait that is not known to the higher animals.

Principles have no real force except when one is well fed.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

There are three things which I consider excellent advice. First, don't smoke to excess. Second, don't drink to excess. Third, don't marry to excess.

There is no distinctly American criminal class- except Congress.

Virtue has never been as respectable as money.

When a boy turns 13, put him in a barrel and feed him through a knot hole. When he turns 16, plug up the hole.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

You can not depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

You can't reason someone out of something they weren't reasoned into.

-Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens), November 30, 1835-April 21, 1910

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...