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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,075 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, October 18, 2008
posted by KGB at 2:16 AM (permalink)

Goodbye, Levi

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

There once was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages.
-Richard Lederer

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Friday, October 17, 2008
posted by KGB at 7:10 AM (permalink)

Sigh. Why can't it be like this all the time?

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posted by KGB at 3:00 AM (permalink)

The whole enchilada

The full Lewis Black interview. It's 45 minutes and loaded with profanity, but it's worth the time.

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Bumper sticker of the day

I bet Jesus would have used his turn signals!

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Thursday, October 16, 2008
posted by KGB at 3:43 PM (permalink)

In case you keep track of these things...

Joe The Plumber has had more press interviews than Sarah Palin. And it turns out Joe isn't a licensed plumber, is a registered Republican, and was probably a plant.

Oh, yeah. And his name isn't Joe. (It's Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher.)

As for Joe's concern for higher taxes... well, it's probably not that big an issue, since he doesn't pay them anyway; the state of Ohio has a lien against him for not coughing over his fair share.

Why do delusional middle-class voters continue to support Republicans? It's actually not a new phenomenon. Consider this dialogue from the film 1776:

John Dickinson: Mr. Hancock, you're a man of property, one of us. Why don't you join us in our minuet? Why do you persist on dancing with John Adams? Good Lord, sir, you don't even like him!

Hancock: That is true, he annoys me quite a lot, but still I'd rather trot to Mr. Adams' new gavotte.

John Dickinson: But why? For personal glory, for a place in history? Be careful, sir, history will brand him and his followers as traitors.

Hancock: Traitors, Mr. Dickinson? To what? The British crown, or the British half-crown? Fortunately there are not enough men of property in America to dictate policy.

John Dickinson: Perhaps not. But don't forget that most men without property would rather protect the possibility of becoming rich, than face the reality of being poor.

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posted by KGB at 2:52 PM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Barack Obama is great, if you like hope.
-Lewis Black

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posted by KGB at 1:48 PM (permalink)

Why I love Lewis Black (NSFW)

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posted by KGB at 1:26 PM (permalink)

What happens when you aren't forced to talk in sound bites...

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posted by KGB at 8:22 AM (permalink)

Defining moment

(Reuters)

Nope. Not gonna do it. Make up your own caption.
(Although it kind of reminds me of Night of the Living Dead...)

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

T-shirt of the day

Feminist chicks dig me.

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008
posted by KGB at 10:33 AM (permalink)

And here's the warm-up...

You heard what happened at a rally yesterday. Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. And, you know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate.
-David Letterman

(McCain is scheduled to appear on Letterman's show tomorrow night after canceling several weeks ago "to rush back to Washington.")

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posted by KGB at 8:21 AM (permalink)

Don't these guys realize they *keep* the tapes?

(From August, 2000)

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posted by KGB at 4:00 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow.
-Abraham Lincoln

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

The final word on parrots and parroting Palins

The money quote: "...and she's running as the partner of a 72-year-old cancer survivor. I mean, Monty Python could have written this.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008
posted by KGB at 5:21 PM (permalink)

Bumper sticker of the day

The Rapture Is Not An Exit Strategy

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posted by KGB at 7:46 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

The way to stop financial joy-riding is to arrest the chauffeur, not the automobile.
-Woodrow Wilson

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posted by KGB at 12:31 AM (permalink)

Way too much pie

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Monday, October 13, 2008
posted by KGB at 8:45 PM (permalink)

Photo of the day

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posted by KGB at 10:27 AM (permalink)

I reject your reality and substitute my own...

So I'm looking at the credit card statement and I see there's a charge for some kind of account protection coverage that makes up more the 60% of the monthly minimum payment. I vaguely recall okaying the coverage, which would indemnify me against various rare but not-unknown calamities. I have similar insurance on other accounts, those were far more reasonable... less than ten bucks a month. This totally blindsided me.

I call customer service and after bouncing around a menu that automatically provides me with all sorts of information I don't want, I finally get connected to Sanji, and I tell him to cancel the coverage.

Sanji goes off on a Sarah and/or Michael Palin-esque monologue, which I cut short by repeating my original request, a bit louder and a bit slower: "I want to cancel the account protection coverage, effective immediately."

There's a moment of silence, then Sanji asks, "What if I were to tell you that you can get the same coverage you're getting now, for a fixed fee of $17.99 a month?

"What if I were to tell you that there's no way I'm going to give you any more money, especially after you've essentially confessed that you've been gouging me for the past two months?" I replied.

"So I can switch you over to the $17.99 a month plan?" Sanji asks from that alternate reality inhabited by outsourced phone support workers and Fox News commentators.

"I want to cancel the account protection coverage, effective immediately," I repeated at a tone and volume that caused the cat to seek shelter. "If you cannot understand me, please connect me to someone for whom English is not a second language."

Sanji gave me a cancellation number and thanked me.

I can't wait to see the next bill.

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posted by KGB at 4:00 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

In terms of quality of work, experience is an advantage. But when the whole culture changes its value system, as ours has been doing, you can evolve in a way that's appropriate for your age and still wind up as an artifact.
-Paul Simon (b. October 13, 1941)

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

That durn concrete eagle's done run off again...

(South Park News, October 3, 2008)

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Sunday, October 12, 2008
posted by KGB at 7:00 AM (permalink)

A lucid explanation of the economic crisis

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posted by KGB at 1:18 AM (permalink)

Palin booed at hockey game in Philadelphia...

...which, frankly, is not news at all. Fans in Philly have more or less booed everyone, and even threw snowballs at Santa Claus.

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Truth is not subjective... Fair is not always balanced, and balanced is not always fair.
-John Walcott

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...