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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,042 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, August 30, 2008
posted by KGB at 9:08 AM (permalink)

Fake news to the rescue

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

-Lewis Black (b. August 30, 1948)

America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky.

If there is a hell, it is modeled after junior high.

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence what it does... it's illegal!

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.

What does the word "meteorologist" mean in English? It means "liar."

Arnold Schwarznegger is the governor of California and we are not even on LSD. I don't see why people bother taking drugs anymore. When reality has become a hallucination, what do you need to hallucinate for?

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Friday, August 29, 2008
posted by KGB at 9:16 AM (permalink)

Political quotes of the week

Michelle Obama said she's been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Isn't that sweet? Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain's wife Cindy says she's been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave.
-Conan O'Brien

Senator Hillary Clinton addressed the Democratic Convention. People were curious as to how strongly she would endorse her former foe. She endorsed him strongly. She said this country needs change, and whatever your feelings about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside their differences and rally behind Mr. Potato Ears.
-Jimmy Kimmel

At the Democratic Convention, Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they're handing out thousands of free condoms. Yeah, apparently they're doing this in case John Edwards shows up.
-Conan O'Brien

And they say that Barack Obama now is a little down in the polls. Now this is a surprise, because after they announced the vice presidential candidate, they were hoping to get that Joe Biden bounce. Now don't confuse that Joe Biden bounce with a Bill Clinton bounce... that'll get you impeached.
-David Letterman

(More at Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog)

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posted by KGB at 12:20 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

There's no doubt in my mind that we will prevail and there's no doubt in my mind, once these people are gone, that we will be welcomed as liberators.
-Senator John McCain on the Iraq war, "Hardball" interview, March 24, 2003

(Senator McCain is 72 today.)

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Thursday, August 28, 2008
posted by KGB at 5:48 AM (permalink)

Question of the day

"Do you think there's a time delay in this circuit, John? This is like inside John McCain's brain."

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Let's not forget

I originally captioned this "Apocalypse Wow." The National Weather Service issued this bulletin on August 28, the day before Katrina hit New Orleans.

When I stumbled across it, it sent a chill down my spine. I vividly remember switching through all the television coverage and being unable to find anyone directly referencing it. Later in the week, Brian Williams had the guy who wrote the forecast on NBC Nightly News. But right before the storm hit, there were virtually no mainstream media references to it. Perhaps it was just too scary.

Apocalypse Wow

Wow. I've never seen a forecast like this:

URGENT - WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW ORLEANS LA
413 PM CDT SUN AUG 28 2005

...EXTREMELY DANGEROUS HURRICANE KATRINA CONTINUES TO APPROACH THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER DELTA... ...DEVASTATING DAMAGE EXPECTED...

MOST OF THE AREA WILL BE UNINHABITABLE FOR WEEKS...PERHAPS LONGER. AT LEAST ONE HALF OF WELL CONSTRUCTED HOMES WILL HAVE ROOF AND WALL FAILURE. ALL GABLED ROOFS WILL FAIL...LEAVING THOSE HOMES SEVERELY DAMAGED OR DESTROYED.

THE MAJORITY OF INDUSTRIAL BUILDINGS WILL BECOME NON FUNCTIONAL. PARTIAL TO COMPLETE WALL AND ROOF FAILURE IS EXPECTED. ALL WOOD FRAMED LOW RISING APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL BE DESTROYED. CONCRETE BLOCK LOW RISE APARTMENTS WILL SUSTAIN MAJOR DAMAGE...INCLUDING SOME WALL AND ROOF FAILURE.

HIGH RISE OFFICE AND APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL SWAY DANGEROUSLY...A FEW TO THE POINT OF TOTAL COLLAPSE. ALL WINDOWS WILL BLOW OUT.

AIRBORNE DEBRIS WILL BE WIDESPREAD...AND MAY INCLUDE HEAVY ITEMS SUCH AS HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES AND EVEN LIGHT VEHICLES. SPORT UTILITY VEHICLES AND LIGHT TRUCKS WILL BE MOVED. THE BLOWN DEBRIS WILL CREATE ADDITIONAL DESTRUCTION. PERSONS...PETS...AND LIVESTOCK EXPOSED TO THE WINDS WILL FACE CERTAIN DEATH IF STRUCK.

POWER OUTAGES WILL LAST FOR WEEKS...AS MOST POWER POLES WILL BE DOWN AND TRANSFORMERS DESTROYED. WATER SHORTAGES WILL MAKE HUMAN SUFFERING INCREDIBLE BY MODERN STANDARDS.

THE VAST MAJORITY OF NATIVE TREES WILL BE SNAPPED OR UPROOTED. ONLY THE HEARTIEST WILL REMAIN STANDING...BUT BE TOTALLY DEFOLIATED. FEW CROPS WILL REMAIN. LIVESTOCK LEFT EXPOSED TO THE WINDS WILL BE KILLED.

Click here and review the week's postings from 2005. It's not pretty. And I noticed something I missed back then: if New Orleans was indeed devastated by a God angered by homosexuality and the then-upcoming "Southern Decadence" event, why did He have Katrina obliterate the city before the festival started? Had He waited just five more days, He could have sent the 125,000 participants to their just rewards.

Mysterious ways, indeed.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008
posted by KGB at 9:19 AM (permalink)

What were they thinking? #411

There's something to be said for historical accuracy, but jeez....
(via The Register)

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

Lyndon Baines Johnson, (August 27, 1908 - January 22, 1973)

(To paraphrase Tom Leher, it's interesting to note that when Lyndon Johnson was John McCain's age, he had been dead for seven years.)

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.

Freedom is not enough.

Friendly cynics and fierce enemies alike often underestimate or ignore the strong thread of moral purpose which runs through the fabric of American history.

Greater love hath no man than to attend the Episcopal Church with his wife.

Guns... are all symbols of human failure. They are necessary symbols. They protect what we cherish. But they are witness to human folly.

Hell, by the time a man scratches his ass, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. And second, let her have it.

I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.

I want real loyalty. I want someone who will kiss my ass in Macy's window, and say it smells like roses.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: "President Can't Swim."

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

It's damned easy to get in a war but it's gonna be awfully hard to ever extricate yourself.

Make no mistake. There is no such thing as a conventional nuclear weapon.

Our safest guide to what we do abroad is always what we do at home.

Son, in politics you've got to learn that overnight chicken shit can turn to chicken salad.

The CIA is made up of boys whose families sent them to Princeton but wouldn't let them into the family brokerage business.

The world has narrowed to a neighborhood before it has broadened to a brotherhood.

While you're saving your face, you're losing your ass.

You do not examine legislation in the light of the benefits it will convey if properly administered, but in the light of the wrongs it would do and the harms it would cause if improperly administered.

Making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.

It?s probably better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in. (re: J. Edgar Hoover)

My generals are always right about other people's wars and wrong about our own.

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:30 PM (permalink)

Photo of the day

Why did we stop? Are we there yet? I have to pee!
Can we get Happy Meals? Is my breath okay?
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall...

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Remembering a master...

Tex Avery (February 26, 1908 - August 26, 1980)

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Monday, August 25, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

If I'm the nominee, Republicans will be sorry. The next Republican that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads down their throat.
-Joe Biden

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Sunday, August 24, 2008
posted by KGB at 3:00 AM (permalink)

Illustrated quote of the day

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
-Proverbs 16:18 (New International Version)

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Junk email of the day

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...