Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

Da Burg Annat

I Have Issues

Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

He knows if yinz is a jagoff

Please support KGB Report by making your purchases through our affiliate link:

dcl dialogue online!

I Love DCL

no. we're not that kgb.

Cool Spinny Thingy!

KGB, CIA linked

The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

Geek of the Week

Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

Cruel Site of the Day (7/15/2000)


Hard to describe.

"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

USA Today Hotsite

Our riveting and morally compelling...

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One of  51,848 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

Google Web

(July 2000 and earlier)

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Poster of the day


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Junk e-mail of the day

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Quote of the day

Nobody ever walked out of a theater saying "That movie sucked, but boy, they brought it in on time and on budget."
-James Cameron (b. August 16, 1954)

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Friday, August 15, 2008

Political quote of the week

A Republican politician from Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama. The last time a Republican switched sides was in an airport men's room.
-Craig Ferguson

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Signs of the Apocalypse, #782 & #783

"Peter Pan" arrested in Disneyland labor dispute.

No comment.

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Brilliant insights of the day

The size of a mind is inversely proportional to the amount of indignation that will fit inside it.

If she went to the same high school as you, how can she be an exotic dancer?

-The Covert Comic

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Quotes of the day

Change is one form of hope; to risk change is to believe in tomorrow.

I have always felt that laughter in the face of reality is probably the finest sound there is and will last until the day when the game is called on account of darkness. In this world, a good time to laugh is any time you can.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

Styles, like everything else, change. Style doesn't.

The two strongest messages we're sending through television are that popularity is everything, and that if it doesn't make money it's not worth anything.

Linda Ellerbee (b. August 15, 1944)

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Google site ad of the day...

Actually, it would probably be safe to say
the target audience has seen none of the products.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008


"But Dad, you said we'd play in the yard after lunch..."

"Ahem. We're waiting..."

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You know...

...I think Isaac Hayes would have loved this:

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Bulwer-Lytton won by native Pittsburgher...

"Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."
Garrison Spik
Washington, D.C.

The winner of 2008 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Garrison Spik (pronounced "speak"), a 41-year-old communications director and writer from Washington, D.C. Hailing from Moon Township, Pennsylvania, he has worked in Tokyo, Bucharest, and Nitro, West Virginia, and cites DEVO, Nathaniel Hawthorne, B horror films, and historiography as major life influences.

Garrison Spik is the 26th grand prize winner of the contest that began at San Jose State University in 1982. Full story here.

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Junk e-mail of the day

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Not too far-fetched...

The way things are going, the guys over at Carbolic Smokeball may discover their ad to be more prophetic than satiric.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Let's be honest here...

Dear Megalithic Utility:

There may indeed be a "green," ecological reason for me to switch to "paperless" billing, but the bottom line here is... the bottom line.

You really want me to switch so you can save the buck or two a month it costs you to print and mail my bill to me.

True, accessing the bill online is more convenient- provided your server is up and I don't have to fire up IE to retrieve it because you've used Microsoft-specific crapware that Firefox and/or Opera can't display properly. But c'mon, guys- it's primarily a way for you to save a couple million a month, and we both know it.

Unlike you, I'm not that greedy. Let's split the difference. Knock a buck a month off my bill and I'll- ahem- "go green."

And fellas? Expect to get a brick in the mail from me- postage due- if an "alternate energy conservation" surcharge appears on my next bill.

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Junk e-mail of the day

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Quote of the day

If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken a lot better care of myself.
-Mickey Mantle (October 20, 1931-August 13, 1995)

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The best news summary available...

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Junk e-mail of the day

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Remembering Kliban

B. Kliban, (January 1, 1935 - August 12, 1990)

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Monday, August 11, 2008

He could dig it

Isaac Lee Hayes, Jr. (August 20, 1942 - August 10, 2008)

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Quote of the day

I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the commander in chief playing golf. I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.
-George W. Bush (in May, 2008 interview)

Gee. What signal does this send:

There are two phenomenal asses in this picture.

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Those accursed paparazzi...

Granddaughter Leanna can't even relax at the beach without someone pointing a camera at her. Ah, the curse of stunning beauty...

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The e-mail address is now something other than saga. used to be until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up and adopting created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the domain name in 1993, and had since that time used as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that was no longer but rather which is longer than and more letters to type than and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than but actually just as functional as I sent e-mails from the address to just about everybody I knew who had used in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that no longer is the they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...


Crystal Methodist

Laugh while you can, monkey-boy

I am a professional. Do not try this at home.

I canna change the laws of physics

As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Left wing liberal nut job

Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.

Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.

If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?

Nutrition makes me puke

Feral Geek

eat wisely

Dyslexics have more fnu!

It's here!

Eff and Scrute

440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!

Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable

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