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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,075 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, August 09, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:05 AM (permalink)

My favorite anniversary card....

Communication is everything
Happy Anniversary

Unfortunately, I can't send it to any couples I know without causing some grief for someone. Maybe I could send it anonymously. Well, not any more. Sigh.

This company makes wonderful greeting cards featuring dogs, cats, and other small animals. They're cleverly shot and don't resort to macabre photographic facial distortions to make the animals look "cute." Visit their web site and find a local supplier. Clever folk like these deserve your patronage.

Photo elements © Dennis Mosner
Card © 1997 Avanti Press, Inc.
Box 2656 Detroit, MI 48231
www.avantipress.com

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Friday, August 08, 2008
posted by KGB at 6:36 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I wanted no part of politics. And I wasn't in Berlin to compete against any one athlete. The purpose of the Olympics, anyway, was to do your best. As I'd learned long ago from Charles Riley, the only victory that counts is the one over yourself.
-Jesse Owens

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posted by KGB at 5:20 AM (permalink)

End of world conflicts

The news that CERN is going to fire up its Large Hadron Collider is somewhat disturbing in itself. Some people claim the device may generate a microscopic black hole that will cause the destruction of the Earth and generally mess up the entire space-time continuum in our area of the universe.

The scheduling is really, really bad. The device is set to go online September 10, a day before my birthday. Worse, we have tickets for Wicked on the 12th, and the new season of House begins less than a week later, on the 16th.

Those Europeans. They take off the entire month of August, then destroy the world less than two weeks after returning to work. They could at least wait a month, until a few weeks before the US Presidential election. Now that's what you'd call an "October Surprise."

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Thursday, August 07, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:26 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

Garrison Keillor, (b. August 7, 1942)

A marriage, to be happy, needs an exterior threat. New York provides that threat.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

God is a great humorist. It's just that he has a slow audience to work with.

I believe in comedy as a humane art and as a profound craft, despite the fact it is considered by most academics as a sort of bastard stepchild of literature, to be kept in the basement and fed cold cereal.

I favor marriage between people whose body parts are not similar. I'm sorry, but same-sex marriage seems timid, an attempt to save on wardrobe and accessories.

If life is a journey, then your 60s are the homeward leg when you're hung up in an airport and thinking bad thoughts about your travel agent.

If tofu adds years to your life, they probably wouldn't be the best years.

If you're going to follow the herd, you'd better watch your step.

In romance, as in life, you only learn when you're losing. When you're winning, you just sit there and grin like an idiot.

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what a hangover is like.

Marriage is like a feast where the appetizers are better than the main course and there is no dessert.

May your soul be forever tormented by fire and your bones be dug up by dogs and dragged through the streets of Minneapolis.

My ancestors were Puritans from England. They arrived here in 1648 in the hope of finding greater restrictions than were permissible under English law at that time.

Nature doesn't care about your golden years; it's aiming for turnover.

Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.

One day Donald Trump will discover that he is owned- lock, stock and roulette wheel- by Lutheran Brotherhood, and must negotiate his debt load with a committee of silent Norwegians who don't understand why anyone would pay more than $120 for a suit.

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.

Some days you need to look reality in the eye, and deny it.

The relationship between truth and a newspaper is like the relationship between the color green and the number seven. Occasionally you will see the number seven written in green, but you learn not to expect this.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up.

When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

When the chips are down, the buffalo are empty.

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Wednesday, August 06, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:03 PM (permalink)

How not to win back a subscriber..

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posted by KGB at 8:05 AM (permalink)

Junk e-mail of the day

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posted by KGB at 6:24 AM (permalink)

Signs of the Apocalypse, # 781

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Paris Hilton has a cogent, workable energy policy.

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Tuesday, August 05, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:13 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents.
-Marilyn Monroe (June 1, 1926 - August 5, 1962)

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Monday, August 04, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:43 PM (permalink)

It's a sad state of affairs...

When Paris Hilton's mother is the voice of reason.

A McCain contributor, Kathy Hilton responded to the anti-Obama ad featuring her daughter and Britney Spears with a rather scathing observation:

I've been asked again and again for my response to the now infamous McCain celebrity ad. I actually have three responses. It is a complete waste of the money John McCain's contributors have donated to his campaign. It is a complete waste of the country's time and attention at the very moment when millions of people are losing their homes and their jobs. And it is a completely frivolous way to choose the next President of the United States.

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posted by KGB at 8:43 AM (permalink)

Illustrated quote of the day

(via motivatedphotos.com)

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Sunday, August 03, 2008
posted by KGB at 6:02 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls.
Lenny Bruce, (October 13, 1925 - August 3, 1966)

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...