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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,059 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Friday, July 13, 2007
posted by KGB at 8:24 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Feminists claim the very structure of language is inherently stacked against a feministic interpretation of reality. I'm thinking: if feminists didn't use words like "stacked," maybe this wouldn't be an issue.
-The Covert Comic

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Thursday, July 12, 2007
posted by KGB at 5:35 AM (permalink)

Shirt of the day

Ah... the perfect work attire. From those demented folk at Think Geek, via my wardrobe consultant, the Omnibus Driver.

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007
posted by KGB at 6:51 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day, birthday edition

E.B. White, 7/11/1899-10/1/1985

Be obscure clearly.

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

Home was quite a place when people stayed there.

I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.

I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority.

No one should come to New York to live unless he is willing to be lucky.

Television hangs on the questionable theory that whatever happens anywhere should be sensed everywhere. If everyone is going to be able to see everything, in the long run all sights may lose whatever rarity value they once possessed, and it may well turn out that people, being able to see and hear practically everything, will be specially interested in almost nothing.

The first day of spring was once the time for taking the young virgins into the fields, there in dalliance to set an example in fertility for Nature to follow. Now we just set the clock an hour ahead and change the oil in the crankcase.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007
posted by KGB at 4:44 AM (permalink)

Gun? I don't need no steenking gun...

There's a much easier method:

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Monday, July 09, 2007
posted by KGB at 3:02 AM (permalink)

Why we're doomed, #217

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posted by KGB at 2:05 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I know George Bush. I've met him and spoke to him a number of times. He told me he had stopped drinking. When I asked him how he did it, he said he was born again. I said, you were born again? Why would you come back as George Bush?!
-Mort Sahl

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Sunday, July 08, 2007
posted by KGB at 6:02 AM (permalink)

Well, which is it?

Does one classify "bad air" as arts or entertainment? I wish the Post-Gazette would make up its mind.

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posted by KGB at 5:49 AM (permalink)

If it sounds too good to be true....

A "national underground network" of pink pistol-packing lesbians is terrorizing America. "All across the country," they are raping young girls, attacking heterosexual males at random, and forcibly indoctrinating children as young as 10 into the homosexual lifestyle, according to a shocking June 21 segment on the popular Fox News Channel program, The O'Reilly Factor.

Alarming? Yes. Accurate? Of course not. It's Fox News, for heaven's sake.

And they'll viciously rearrange your furniture, too.

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posted by KGB at 5:28 AM (permalink)

Repressing free spech: the Official Presidential Manual

A lawsuit by the American Civil Liberties Union has uncovered a manual from the Bush Administration detailing its tactics for suppressing protests at presidential appearances. The lawsuit was filed on behalf of two people from Colorado who were forcibly removed from a presidential "Town Hall Meeting" because their car had a bumper sticker that said, "No more blood for oil." They have obtained a copy of the "Presidential Advance Manual," which details tactics "to stop a demonstrator from getting into the event." A section titled "Preventing Demonstrators" advises event organizers to recruit local Republicans into "Rally Squads" whose "task is to use their signs and banners as shields between the demonstrators and the main press platform. If the demonstrators are yelling, rally squads can begin and lead supportive chants to drown out the protestors [sic] (USA! USA! USA!) As a last resort, security should remove the protestors [sic] from the event site."

(from bsalert.com, via our friend Rafal Sulejman. A PDF of the actual manual, although heavily redacted, was obtained by the ACLU and is available here.)

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...