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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,075 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, May 26, 2007
posted by KGB at 1:26 PM (permalink)

Start paying attention, willya?

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be. The functionaries of every government have propensities to command at will the liberty and property of their constituents. There is no safe deposit for these but with the people themselves; nor can they be safe with them without information. Where the press is free, and every man able to read, all is safe.
-Thomas Jefferson

(today's Thought of the Day from Refdesk)

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Friday, May 25, 2007
posted by KGB at 6:47 AM (permalink)

Happy Birthday, Star Wars

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posted by KGB at 6:14 AM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

10:30 p.m. "Taurus World Stunt Awards"

Awards honor the stunt men and women for their heroic work to make violence seem casual and almost inconsequential. American Movie Classics.

(Marin Independent Journal)

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posted by KGB at 5:04 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear- kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor- with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant funds demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.
-General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
A Soldier Speaks: Public Papers and Speeches of General of the Army Douglas MacArthur (1965)

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Thursday, May 24, 2007
posted by KGB at 8:55 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

When man has so far corrupted and prostituted the chastity of his mind, as to subscribe his professional belief to things he does not believe, he has prepared himself for the commission of every other crime.
-Thomas Paine

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posted by KGB at 8:36 AM (permalink)

Yo, Democrats...

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.-Groucho Marx

Lest you forget, you didn't win the mid-terms because people voted for you. You won the mid-terms because people were voting against the Bush administration and the Republican Congress.

Keith Olbermann said it best:

The Democratic leadership has, in sum, claimed a compromise with the Administration, in which the only things truly compromised are the trust of the voters, the ethics of the Democrats, and the lives of our brave, and doomed, friends, and family, in Iraq.

I suggest you read the whole thing. And don't be surprised when Ralph Nader wins the 2008 presidential election.

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posted by KGB at 8:28 AM (permalink)

News story of the day

Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall Of '07 Pugs

(via The Onion)

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007
posted by KGB at 2:53 PM (permalink)

You can just call me "Failed."

Guess the programmer was out the day they taught about checking return codes and intercepting error messages:

(via Worse Than Failure)

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Tuesday, May 22, 2007
posted by KGB at 7:01 AM (permalink)

Lucky 13,000

The KGB quotations database passed 13,000 today. I started the collection in 1987 as the login fortune cookie file for my old dial-in bulletin board system (remember them?), and its maintenance, like that of the National Temperature Index, is one of those bizarre obsessive/compulsive activities that is an essential part of my daily routine. ("Beware of your habits. The better they are the more surely they will be your undoing."-Holbrook Jackson)

If I could recapture all the time I've spent in the past 20 years compiling quotations, I'd spend it... compiling quotations. It beats watching television, and there are no insurance ads featuring faux cavemen. ("Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket."-George Orwell)

I really should put out a new edition of Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable, but there are more pressing demands. It's not procrastination, it's prudent scheduling. It will give me something to do while I use the 260 hours of flexible time off I've accumulated to recover from my inevitable yet still asymptomatic, undetected terminal chronic illness. ("Good health is simply the slowest way to die."-Unattributed)

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posted by KGB at 5:27 AM (permalink)

Video of the day

Make certain you watch all the way to the end...

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Monday, May 21, 2007
posted by KGB at 8:47 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I think we can make an exception because speaking ill of the dead was kind of Jerry Falwell's hobby.
-Bill Maher

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posted by KGB at 8:37 AM (permalink)

It took me three days to post this...

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water
There is still only 1 check in my check book
I can't find the remote
I can't find my glasses
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

(via Dave Anderson, from lots of places on the Net...)

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posted by KGB at 8:33 AM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

8 p.m. "Two and a Half Men Block"
They're showing four episodes. To spend this much time with Charlie Sheen in real life, you'd need shots or an attorney. CBS.
Marin Independent Journal

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posted by KGB at 8:22 AM (permalink)

Photo of the day

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...