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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,075 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, May 12, 2007
posted by KGB at 12:17 PM (permalink)

Quotes of the day, birthday edition

George Carlin, May 12 1937

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Evolution is slow. Smallpox is fast.

George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.

I have as much authority as the Pope... I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

I think people should be allowed to do whatever they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

It's impossible to know accurately how you look in your sunglasses.

Just because you get the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus leaves town.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

People who drive faster than I do are maniacs, and people who drive slower than me are idiots.

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.

That's the whole secret of life. Life is a series of dogs.

The bigger they are, the worse they smell.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

There is mileage, footage and yardage. Why is there no inchage?

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

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Friday, May 11, 2007
posted by KGB at 12:34 PM (permalink)

News story lead sentence of the day

SAN MARCOS, Texas (AP) - Texas State University's plan to build the nation's largest "body farm" of cadavers is on hold over concerns that buzzards could endanger nearby planes.

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posted by KGB at 5:49 AM (permalink)

Amazing fact of the day

Nature conspires to keep some truths secret. For example, if you lay a bathroom scale upside down on the floor, it'll tell you how much the Earth weighs. But since it's upside down, you can't read the number.
-The Covert Comic

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posted by KGB at 4:35 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day, birthday edition

Richard Feynman (May 11, 1918 - February 15, 1988)

[I]f you've got to add the word "science" to the name of the field then it ain't one.

[Y]ou cannot prove a vague theory wrong.

Anyone who understands quantum mechanics hasn't studied it long enough.

For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled.

How can a man of integrity get along in Washington?

I believe that a scientist looking at nonscientific problems is just as dumb as the next guy.

I can live with doubt and uncertainty and not knowing. I think it's much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong.

My life changed forever the day I realized I was not responsible for how others see me.

Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.

Science is the belief in the ignorance of the experts.

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself- and you are the easiest person to fool.

The theoretical broadening which comes from having many humanities subjects on the campus is offset by the general dopiness of the people who study these things...

The truth always turns out to be simpler than you thought.

There are 10¹¹ stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.

There is a computer disease that anybody who works with computers knows about. It's a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work. The trouble with computers is that you play with them.

What I cannot create, I do not understand.

Listen, buddy, if I could tell you in a minute what I did, it wouldn't be worth the Nobel Prize.

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Thursday, May 10, 2007
posted by KGB at 8:58 AM (permalink)

Some things never change

It appears I am a member of an ancient and noble profession. It also appears that aside from a few hardware upgrades, things really haven't changed that much through the ages.

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posted by KGB at 7:17 AM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

10 p.m. "Ant Wars"
Army ants exist in a permanent state of war, trapped in a xenophobic cycle of death and violence. Good thing we evolved out of that. Discovery Channel.

(Marin Independent Journal)

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007
posted by KGB at 12:41 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter.
-Nathaniel Borenstein

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007
posted by KGB at 5:17 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Television is just like a lava lamp with only slightly better audio.
-Michael O'Donohue

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posted by KGB at 12:13 AM (permalink)

Dog tired

Granddaughter Leanna collapses in "Aunt" Beanie's dog bed...

while Beanie contemplates revenge by footwear.

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Sunday, May 06, 2007
posted by KGB at 11:16 PM (permalink)

Quote of the day

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
-from a chat log at Bash.org

(posted by "HellPopeHuey" on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup.)

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posted by KGB at 7:13 AM (permalink)

Wakeup call

Yow. Lots of eye-openers at PostSecret this week...

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posted by KGB at 6:32 AM (permalink)

Same situation, different century...

Soldiers quartered in a populous town will always occasion two mobs where they prevent one. They are wretched conservators of the peace.
-John Adams

(posted by Graham Weeks in the al.quotations Usenet newsgroup)

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...