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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  51,847 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, May 05, 2007
posted by KGB at 11:33 AM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

10 p.m. "Wild Kingdom"

A visit to a sanctuary for Tasmanian devils. They're mean-spirited, vicious little animals. Like cheerleaders but with tails. Animal Planet.

via Marin Independent Journal

(All kidding aside, Tasmanian Devils are in big trouble. More info here)

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posted by KGB at 11:31 AM (permalink)

News photo of the day

Students at Kim's Sumo and Sushi in Turtle Creek compare new additions to Kim's "Special Bulk-Up Sumshi Bar™." Manager Destanni O'Konowicz said, "They're hard to get, but they're really great for maintaining weight and muscle tone. And they taste sorta like a combination of chicken and salty Gummi Bears.

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Friday, May 04, 2007
posted by KGB at 5:04 PM (permalink)

You Can't Make This Stuff Up Dept.

WASHINGTON (AP) - The National Rifle Association is urging the Bush administration to withdraw its support of a bill that would prohibit suspected terrorists from buying firearms.

Backed by the Justice Department, the measure would give the attorney general the discretion to block gun sales, licenses or permits to terror suspects.

In a letter this week to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, NRA executive director Chris Cox said the bill, offered last week by Sen. Frank Lautenberg, D-N.J., "would allow arbitrary denial of Second Amendment rights based on mere 'suspicions' of a terrorist threat."

(It does make some sense. If your phone has been tapped, your email intercepted, your financial records seized, or you or a loved one has kidnapped, held without being charged, and tortured in a foreign prison, the least they can do is let you take a shot at somebody.)

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posted by KGB at 4:53 PM (permalink)

Same concept, different implementation...

CEDAR RAPIDS, Iowa (AP) - Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said Friday that former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein is paying an eternal and deserved punishment for his brutal life's work.

"You sure wouldn't want to be where Saddam Hussein is, where we helped put him," Giuliani said during a campaign stop in eastern Iowa in which he praised President Bush's war on terrorism but acknowledged that mistakes have been made in Iraq.

(The Christian and Islamic concepts are Hell are similar in many ways. Except in Islamic Hell, you're greeted upon arrival by 72 mothers-in-law. And in Christian Hell, the infrastructure is built and maintained by Halliburton.)

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posted by KGB at 9:47 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I could have named both my cats Scuzzy. One is Ultra/Fast, the other is Wide.
-Rik Steenwinkel (from MBM's Sigfile.)

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posted by KGB at 12:09 AM (permalink)

Gee, what could go wrong?

WEST LIBERTY, W.Va., April 26 The U.S. Department of Energy is jointly sponsoring the first U.S. test of a system that might significantly reduce greenhouse gas emissions.

Using a new application of existing technology, engineers will attempt to capture methane in underground coalmine air. Scientists said if the technique is successful, it could limit emission of a greenhouse gas with more than 20 times the warming potential of CO2. (Full story here)

Especially note the "related articles" links at the bottom:

- Russian mine blast kills 61 | 19 Mar 2007
- Bulgaria closes mine after gas explosion | 08 Mar 2007
- Recovery continues at Siberian mine | 26 Mar 2007
- Fate of 180 in Russian mine blast unclear | 19 Mar 2007
- Siberian mine blast death toll at 106 | 20 Mar 2007

(via Rafal Sulejman)

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Thursday, May 03, 2007
posted by KGB at 12:35 PM (permalink)

E-mail subject line of the day

Que, Schirra, Schirra

(by Danny Burstein on the wnndl@googlegroups.com ABC World News Now newsgroup.)

Former Astronaut Wally Schirra Dies

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posted by KGB at 10:11 AM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

8 p.m. "Spider-Man Tech"

Scientists discuss what it would take to achieve Spider-man's abilities, concluding that many of the feats could be possible with nanotechnology and genetic enhancements but the red spider outfit would remain "less than flattering." History Channel.

(That TV Guy, Marin Independent Journal)

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posted by KGB at 10:01 AM (permalink)

Birthday quotes of the day

Golda Meir (b. May 3, 1898)

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you're aboard there's nothing you can do.

One cannot and must not try to erase the past merely because it does not fit the present.

Women's Liberation is just a lot of foolishness. It's the men who are discriminated against. They can't bear children. And no one's likely to do anything about that.

You can get used to anything if you have to, even feeling perpetually guilty.

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posted by KGB at 9:58 AM (permalink)

Depressingly true quote of the day

Imagine a school with children that can read and write, but with teachers who cannot, and you have a metaphor of the Information Age in which we live.
-Peter Cochrane

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posted by KGB at 6:35 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

(re: abstinence)

I find it astonishing that our public schools were unable to beat out the most basic human instinct that perpetuates our species.
The Onion's American Voices

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posted by KGB at 6:19 AM (permalink)

News photo of the day

PennDot, faced with a never-ending funding crisis and a crumbling transportation infrastructure, tests low-cost pedestrian alternatives to traditional bridge repair.

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Wednesday, May 02, 2007
posted by KGB at 11:57 AM (permalink)

Yesterday in History

May 1, 1971: Amtrak passenger service begins.

And we expect that first train will arrive Real Soon Now.

([W]hen she asked me if older technology was more reliable, I replied, "Ever heard of Amtrak?")

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posted by KGB at 11:04 AM (permalink)

Quote of the week

Happy National TV Turn-Off Week, you hypocrites!
-Stephen Colbert

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posted by KGB at 6:00 AM (permalink)

News photo of the day

The first "Telepathograph"-- Developed by neural imaging researchers at Carnegie-Mellon University, the device combines standard camera images with PET-generated linguistic interpretations of the brain's Broca region. The english translations of the Broca area- which governs language, speech and facial control- are rendered as "thought balloons" over the traditional photograph.

CMU said the Telepathograph worked perfectly in the lab. Researchers blamed the disappointing result of the device's first public demonstration on an unfortunate choice of subject. "It's like trying to mind-meld with a Lava Lamp^®," one observed.

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Tuesday, May 01, 2007
posted by KGB at 8:13 PM (permalink)

News photo of the day

Stan Wrjkcszwyz of Pitcairn celebrates Commonwealth Court's injunction postponing the ban on smoking in Allegheny County bars and restaurants. Wrjkcszwyz was arrested shortly after this photo was taken and charged with LUI (levitation under the influence).

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posted by KGB at 7:58 AM (permalink)

This is a test

One-legged harp-playing transvestite.

Tap-dancing militant Islamic fundamentalists.

Don't ask.

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Monday, April 30, 2007
posted by KGB at 10:14 AM (permalink)

Fake news item of the day

STEELERS' MASCOT NAMED . . .

INTRODUCING "HUNKY DOREY," THE PSYCHOPATH STEELER FAN WHO DRESSES IN THE GARB OF A STEELWORKER EVEN THOUGH ALL THE MILLS ARE CLOSED.

(from those admirably satiric psychotics at The Carbolic Smoke Ball.)

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...