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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,041 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, March 10, 2007
posted by KGB at 3:58 PM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Religion is kinda like nuclear power: you split the atom this way, you get electricity; you split it that way, you get an atomic bomb.
-Jon Stewart

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Friday, March 09, 2007
posted by KGB at 10:40 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.
-Paula Poundstone

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Thursday, March 08, 2007
posted by KGB at 9:52 AM (permalink)

But you have to post the property settlement on MySpace...

Islam's highest cleric in the "moderate" state of Dubai issued a fatwa yesterday permitting the country's Muslim men to divorce their wives through text messaging. The Grand Mufti Ahmed al-Haddad, in a written statement, said that phone SMS messaging was no different than written declarations of divorce. He also declared that religious authorities could judge the divorce over a mobile phone.

Islamic law only requires that a husband repeat the phrase "I divorce you" three times for a marriage to end.

-The Jawa Report (via the Sanity Inspector on the Usenet alt.quotations newsgroup.)

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posted by KGB at 9:08 AM (permalink)

Cartoon of the day

-Kim Warp (in the March 12, 2007 issue of The New Yorker)

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007
posted by KGB at 10:47 PM (permalink)

Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

As if conspiracy theorists don't have enough trouble with perceived reality...

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How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to "bullseye womprats" on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be "impossible, even for a computer." Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

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The whole thing's here. Intriguing. Cough. Via the Sanity Inspector on the Usenet alt.quotations newsgroup.

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posted by KGB at 8:42 AM (permalink)

Does Al Gore know about this?

Use the telephone company's juice to power select home appliances.

These guys are real telephone whizzes. I haven't tried the products on this page, but I know their more traditional stuff is truly spiffy.

It's based on Chernobyl-inspired technology. What could go wrong?

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007
posted by KGB at 11:13 AM (permalink)

Gee, I wonder where they send the royalty checks?

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

We've noticed that customers who have expressed interest in books by James Boswell have also ordered The Works of Samuel Johnson, Volume 10 by Samuel Johnson. For this reason you might like to know that Samuel Johnson's newest book, The Works of Samuel Johnson, Volume 10, is now available in Paperback. You can order your copy for just $18.99 by following the link below.

-via fellow former computer columnist, role model, and old buddy Stan Kelly-Bootle, who enthusiastically adds, "I can't wait to get Samuel's LATEST."

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posted by KGB at 10:15 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

The problem with self-improvement is knowing when to quit.
-David Lee Roth

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Monday, March 05, 2007
posted by KGB at 10:38 PM (permalink)

Quote of the day

At 76, I feel terrific and, according to all measurable indicators, am in excellent health. It's amazing what Cherry Coke and hamburgers will do for a fellow.
-Warren Buffett

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posted by KGB at 2:06 PM (permalink)

News story lead sentence of the day

A jazz musician was injured Friday after jumping from a burning motor home driven by a one-time roller skating stripper from Lodi.
-via Leslie

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posted by KGB at 9:58 AM (permalink)

Somewhat delayed Headline of the Day

Supreme Court Gives Gore's Oscar to Bush
Stunning Reversal for Former Veep
-The Borowitz Report

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...