Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.
network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...
Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
dcl dialogue online!
no. we're not that kgb.
The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!
"No religious Test shall ever be required as a
Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the
Article VI, U.S. Constitution
Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000
Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000
"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"
Our riveting and morally compelling...
One of 51,836 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Forget about North Korea. Worry instead about the geek in the adjacent cubicle with a computer-controlled missile launcher (just connect it to an open USB port).
From the slightly askew folk at X-Tremegeek.com, who actually have a product category named "Cubicle Warfare."
Friday, November 17, 2006
Or, you could just pour your latte in your lap...
This outfit claims caffeine helps prevent cancer and removes cellulite, but you have to admire their honesty: the intent was to introduce a legal consumer product with addictive qualities.
But does this stuff work? Some people swear by it, but I figure this guy has nailed it. Because of its low octanol:water partitioning constant, transdermal absorption isn't the best way to get caffeine into your bloodstream.
"In conclusion," he says, "until I see a double-blind study using this product, I will remain highly dubious that the effects felt by using caffeinated soap are anthing more than placebo and subconscious attempt to justify buying overpriced soap."
Related quote of the day:
I'm addicted to placebos. I'd quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Quote of the day
Elsewhere, US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.
-Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Signs you're getting old, #78
I was stopped at a traffic signal in South Park, the windows rolled down, my canine companion Beanie in the back seat, the stereo blasting the song "Out Tonight" from the musical Rent.
As I sat there pounding out the driving drum bridge on the steering wheel of my stylish 1995 Saturn station wagon, two young ladies, out on their afternoon constitutional, stopped and stared at me incredulously.
I performed the last four bars perfectly and raised my arms in triumph. As the song faded out, I heard one girl remark to the other, in a voice trembling with righteous indignation,
"That is just so wrong."
Sigh. And I was going to do "The Tango Maurenn" as an encore.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Set your Tivo... no, on second thought...
9:30 p.m. "Show Me the Money"
It's another trivia show but this one is hosted by William Shatner and features the leggy Million Dollar Dancers. Warning: May contain footage of Shatner attempting dance moves. ABC.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Quote of the day
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
On a Mission from God...
The Sunday School teacher asked me to address her kindergarten glass, explain what I do for a living, and note the relationship between my career and the almighty.
"I help people who have trouble running software on their computers," I said, "and I hear Jesus' name a lot every day..."
Quote of the day
It is impossible to run a democracy if people with opposing ideas
refuse to deal with one another.
-Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
Copyright © 1987-2021 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
The email@example.com e-mail address is now something other than firstname.lastname@example.org saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used email@example.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that firstname.lastname@example.org was no longer email@example.com but rather firstname.lastname@example.org which is longer than email@example.com and more letters to type than firstname.lastname@example.org and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than email@example.com but actually just as functional as firstname.lastname@example.org? I sent e-mails from the email@example.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used firstname.lastname@example.org in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the email@example.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which firstname.lastname@example.org was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for email@example.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that firstname.lastname@example.org no longer is the email@example.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. firstname.lastname@example.org. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...
440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!
get kgb krap!