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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,045 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, October 28, 2006
posted by KGB at 8:02 AM (permalink)

Oddly enough...

I generally abhor mixing religion and politics, but there's something about these ads that gets to me. Maybe it's the dogs. Or the lack of mudslinging.

You have to like a guy whose band's name is Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys.

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Friday, October 27, 2006
posted by KGB at 10:35 AM (permalink)

Snarky commentary of the day

CNBC's Maria Bartiromo: "I'm curious, have you ever googled anybody? Do you use Google?"

President Bush: "Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see- I've forgot the name of the program- but you get the satellite, and you can- like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It reminds me of where I wanna be sometimes.

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He likes to look at satellite photos of his ranch. Well, great. How about looking for Osama bin Laden?
-David Letterman

(from about.com)

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posted by KGB at 10:16 AM (permalink)

Joke of the day

Laura Bush bought Dubyah a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to (mis)pronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just repeats the words. He really doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

(via Leslie at the Omnibus)

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Correction: Rob at Unspace notes:

For what it's worth, parrots are capable of understanding the meaning of what they are saying. Even parakeets learn the meaning of some words, and African greys can, if not use language, demonstrate language-like abilities. Dr. Irene Pepperberg is really picky.

On a daily basis, we give fairly complex instructions to several of our parrots in English. The actual instructions can vary, but the birds will almost always obey.

I have no idea if there is scientific evidence showing whether George Bush can actually use language, but work on apes indicates he should be able to handle at least 200 words and their meanings. Koko the gorilla is better at American Sign Language than I am.

Rob

(Thanks for the info, Rob. I think it's safe to assume the Koko also has a better grasp of foreign policy than Dubya as well.-KGB)

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posted by KGB at 8:50 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

When written in Mandarin, the word "crisis" consists of two characters- one signifying danger, the other signifying Kung Pao chicken.
-The Covert Comic

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posted by KGB at 1:31 AM (permalink)

The full quote of the day

My country, right or wrong. In one sense I say so too. My country; and my country is the great American Republic. My country, right or wrong; if right, to be kept right; and if wrong, to be set right.
-Carl Schurz

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Thursday, October 26, 2006
posted by KGB at 6:35 AM (permalink)

Update from the Ministry of Truth...

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006
posted by KGB at 1:02 PM (permalink)

Now it can be revealed....

(from Ms. Adventures on the Mon:)

DICK SKRINJAR MAKES SHOCKING CONFESSION: "I AM THE GLOWING GREEN MAN OF SOUTH PARK"

SOUTH PARK (Oct. 3) - It was a secret he could keep no longer.

Just like Edgar Allan Poe's nameless narrator in The Tell-Tale Heart, Pittsburgh mayoral spokesperson Richard "Dick" Skrinjar's conscience has finally betrayed him, impelling him to release information he has been withholding for decades, information which may, in fact, jeopardize his career and leave the collective mouth of Pittsburgh agape with astonishment. Today, he revealed that the rumors that have been circulating since the 1950s about a "Glowing Green Man" in South Park are true.

And this he knows for certain-- because he is that man.

"Halloween is coming soon, and I just couldn't go through with the charade anymore. The late night stalking, the spooking... I'm getting a little too old for these kinds of shenanigans," Skrinjar unburdened himself. "My eyesight's not what it used to be, and Snowden Road is just getting harder and harder to negotiate after dark, especially on foot."

Skrinjar has revealed to Ms. Adventures on the Mon that as a child, he was struck by lightening (sic) after his mother had tethered him to a clothesline as a last-resort disciplinary action for his having a "smart aleck" answer for everything. The events that would transpire after that tethering changed his life forever, rendering him not only a hideous human phenomenon, but the frequent topic of local ridicule, and most piteous of all, a lonely fugitive of the night.

"Mama Skrinjar forgot about me, just left me there with our dog, Spot. I was seven years old. I saw the big storm coming. I screamed, but my cries of desperation went unheard. I felt a strange tingling in my body, and honestly, I don't remember much after that. Mama came out and got me the next morning and we went about our business like nothing had happened. Then one night, I woke up and discovered I was glowing green.

"I glow green in the day, too, but you can't really notice it. It shows up more as a pasty skin complexion. But once the lights are out, it's pretty obvious that I'm a freak of nature," said Skrinjar.

While he has accepted his fate, and frankly, exploited it, he says that ultimately, it's not easy bein' green. "Chasing parkers and loafers all these years has been fun, and yes, rewarding in its own twisted way, but it was time for me to come out of the closet. My tomfoolery has scarred too many, and I can no longer live with that," Skrinjar recalled fondly, "plus, the fog and the hours are just getting to be too much. I've noticed that as I've aged, my-- how shall I put this delicately-- my amperage has decreased."

South Park historian Mary Jo Kinkicky says she is dumbfounded. "I never really believed it. I thought it was just a good way to keep kids from drinking in the park, and prevent them from necking in the Green Man Tunnel, to circulate this rumor. So I went along with it."

Skrinjar said he mostly did it for "the kicks" and the free beers that the guys at the local deli would give him. "Some nights I was so tanked up I don't even remember how I got home. It's a good thing I didn't drive, what with all the evening construction nowadays," he added, with a haunting laugh.

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posted by KGB at 6:52 AM (permalink)

It's Whit Bissell's Birthday!

 
Michael Landon and Whit Bissell in I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957),
and Bissell as Mr. Lurry, manager of tribble-infested Deep Space Station K-7
in the original Star Trek episode The Trouble With Tribbles (1967).

Whit Bissell (October 25, 1909-March 6, 1996) was an alumnus of the Carolina Playmakers, the prestigious amateur-theatrical arm of the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill. He entered films with 1943's Holy Matrimony, instantly establishing his standard screen characterization of fussy officiousness. Twice as busy on TV as he was in theatrical films, Bissell was starred as Woodrow Wilson on a 1965 episode of the Profiles in Courage anthology and was co-starred on the futuristic adventure series Time Tunnel. Lovers of low-budget 1950s horror films have a special place in their hearts for Whit Bissell's brace of "mad scientist" portrayals in I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957) and I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (1957); it was in the latter film that the admirably straight-faced Bissell uttered the immortal line: "Answer me! I know you have a civil tongue in your mouth-I sewed it there myself!" For his contributions to science fiction films, Bissell received a life career award from the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films in 1994. He served on the Screen Actors Guild board of directors for nearly two decades. - Hal Erickson, All Movie Guide

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006
posted by KGB at 7:36 AM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

7 p.m. "Heathers"

A nostalgic ode to a simpler time when we could still laugh at psychopathic high-schoolers launching murder plots against the popular kids and threatening to blow up the school. (1989) Lifetime.

(Marin Independent Journal)

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posted by KGB at 7:09 AM (permalink)

98,842 acres and a Mule

From Bring it On! Why has the mainstream media ignored this?

It has been reported that George W. Bush has recently purchased a 98,842 acre farm in Northern Paraguay. What on earth does the President of the United States need a 98,000+ acre farm in Northern Paraguay for?

On the surface it looks all very innocent, but lets add the very quiet trip that Jenna Bush made to the country earlier this month in which she met Paraguayan President Nicanor Duarte and his family at their official residence. She also met with U.S. Ambassador James Cason. Could it be that our little drunken Jenna is all grown up and playing diplomacy?

This all still seems very innocent on the surface, but now lets add the five hundred U.S. troops that arrived in Paraguay with planes, weapons and ammunition in July 2005, shortly after the Paraguayan Senate granted U.S. troops immunity from national and International Criminal Court (ICC) jurisdiction. Neighboring countries and human rights organizations are concerned the massive air base at Mariscal Estigarribia, Paraguay is potential real estate for the U.S. military.

Does Bush plan on being charged with something in the future? Does Bush foresee a collapse of the United States and feels a strong need to have a place to cut and run to, or does Bush just need a nice secret little place other than Gitmo where he can send people he doesn't like?

Now things don't look so innocent.

Mr. Bush, could you please tell us what your intentions are and whether these intentions are hostile toward the people of the United States, or do you just intend on retiring to Paraguay?

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Monday, October 23, 2006
posted by KGB at 8:43 AM (permalink)

Something to remember:

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.
-Otto von Bismarck

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Sunday, October 22, 2006
posted by KGB at 9:54 PM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
P.J. O'Rourke

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...