KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

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(July 2000 and earlier)

Saturday, October 14, 2006
posted by KGB at 5:21 AM (permalink)

Late night quotes of the week

(compiled by Daniel Kurtzman on about.com)

President Bush said today the U.S. will not attack North Korea. Oh sure, but we may liberate them.
-Jay Leno

It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America's victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046.
-Amy Poehler

President Bush's approval ratings are dipping into the 30s, while Mark Foley is dipping into the teens.
-Jay Leno

What a crazy week this has been. I don't know who Americans should be more afraid of being attacked by- terrorists from the Middle East, a dictator from North Korea, or a congressman from South Florida.
-Jay Leno

President Bush says we need more time to determine if what (North Korea) detonated was a nuclear device. Well sure, that makes sense, because Bush doesn't want to rush to judgment when it comes to weapons of mass destruction.
-David Letterman

It's interesting. The president's approval rating is at an all-time low, North Korea's setting off bombs, Iraq is a mess, the Foley scandal keeps getting worst. Even the Democrats might not be able to blow this election.
-Jay Leno

There is a scandal going on and every day it seems to get worse. Now more pages came forward today saying this thing with Foley goes back 11 years. Rush Limbaugh said today, 'You see, another threat Clinton completely ignored.' He also said, 'This would have never happened if Al Gore didn't invent the Internet.'
-Bill Maher

Let's pretend this plug is 'Iraq' and you're trying to connect it to the 'war on terror,' which is this avocado. You can do it... but here's the problem: The avocado still doesn't turn on. And now your plug is covered in guacamole.
-Jon Stewart, demonstrating the connection between Iraq and the war on terror

Dennis Hastert now says that he did know about the (Mark Foley) e-mails, but was unaware, he says, that they were so sexually explicit. He said, 'My God, I didn't even read the Patriot Act.'
-Bill Maher

This Mark Foley e-mail thing caused quite a conflict within the two wings of the Republican Party. It seems the financially corrupt are now fighting with the sexually corrupt.
-Jay Leno

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Friday, October 13, 2006
posted by KGB at 12:38 PM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Some people will have a bad day Friday because of anxiety today. They think Friday the 13th will be bad, and subconsciously, they'll make it so. Freud had a name for this. He called it 'stupidity.' To illustrate, he once, at a seminar in London on Friday the 13th, broke a mirror. The crowd of superstitious folk gasped. But nothing happened. Freud smiled. Then he had a heart attack. Dang near died. But don't let that worry you. Again, coincidence. The odds of bad things happening to you tomorrow are no higher than usual, and I have professional opinion to back me up."
-Teddy Allen

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posted by KGB at 12:21 AM (permalink)

Truth in packaging

The blister pack should really say:

Connects USB 2.0 ports and most digital cameras. Except yours.

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Thursday, October 12, 2006
posted by KGB at 11:21 AM (permalink)

It's just the drugs talking...

The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.
- Rush Limbaugh

Will Rogers never met Rush Limbaugh.
-Unattributed

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posted by KGB at 3:08 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Linking me to George Bush is like linking me to an Oscar.
-California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (on the Tonight Show)

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006
posted by KGB at 12:26 PM (permalink)

Really cheesy...

Israel and Thailand have well-trained teachers carrying weapons and keeping their children safe from harm. It can work in Wisconsin.
-U.S. Rep. Frank Lasee (R)

Wis. Lawmaker Urges Arming Teachers

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posted by KGB at 12:10 PM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

9 p.m. "The Bone Collector"

Denzel Washington plays a quadriplegic forensics investigator who recruits a shapely young police officer played by Angelina Jolie to be his eyes and ears in the investigation of a New York City serial killer. He also needs her to reach up on high shelves in a short skirt and bend over to pick up things, a lot. (1999) USA Network.

(Marin Independent Journal)

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posted by KGB at 7:49 AM (permalink)

Dialogue

Zay Smith's QT Early Warning System in the Chicago Sun-Times warns that David Hasselhoff plans a line of fragrances that will be "an extension of who I am." To which the KGB Report observes, "Wow. I didn't know you could smell that."

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006
posted by KGB at 12:40 AM (permalink)

This is useful...

Instead of struggling with the Port Authority's badly-designed website, plan your ride at https:/www/google/transit. Appears to work, too.

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posted by KGB at 12:21 AM (permalink)

Aha...

Today is my mother's birthday. I also just discovered it's the birthday of Ed Wood, Jr..

This explains a great deal.

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Monday, October 09, 2006
posted by KGB at 10:08 AM (permalink)

In the name of God...

...the faithful fly planes into buildings, blow themselves up to murder the innocent, burn down rival houses of worship, insult and condemn and cry out to heaven for vengeance. The wicked Rev. Fred Phelps and his crazy brood of fundamentalist vipers even planned to protest at the Amish children's funeral, until Dallas-based radio talker Mike Gallagher, bless him, gave them an hour of his program if they would only let those poor people bury their dead in peace.

But sometimes, faith helps ordinary men and women do the humanly impossible: to forgive, to love, to heal and to redeem. It makes no sense. It is the most sensible thing in the world. The Amish have turned this occasion of spectacular evil into a bright witness to hope. Despite everything, a light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.
--Rod Dreher, "Amish faith shines, even in tragic darkness",
Dallas Morning News

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posted by KGB at 9:54 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Don't hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.
-Unattributed

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Sunday, October 08, 2006
posted by KGB at 5:49 AM (permalink)

Okay. Just one more...

Word Count at www.wordcount.org, meanwhile, wants you to know that "page" is only the 931st most commonly used word in the English language.

Well. Except for some weeks.

(Zay N. Smith in the Chicago Sun-Times.)

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posted by KGB at 5:34 AM (permalink)

A fun way to start the day...

"It says nothing against the ripeness of a spirit
that it has a few worms."

The Nietzsche Family Circus

The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs a randomized Family Circus cartoon with a randomized Friedrich Nietzsche quote. (via Steven Otte on ABC World News Now mailing list.)

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posted by KGB at 12:34 AM (permalink)

Let's just get it all out of our systems, ok?

(from About.com's Political Humor department, by Daniel Kurtzman)

"I have the latest in the big Washington sex scandal... CNN is reporting that former Congressman Mark Foley's instant messages were not only sexually inappropriate, but were also full of typos. In his own defense, Foley said, 'It's hard to type with one hand.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"Earlier in the week, (ex-Rep. Mark) Foley checked himself into rehab. But according to the New York Times, many people question his alcoholism claim. That's when you know things are bad in Washington. When a congressman can't even be trusted to be a drunk."
-Jay Leno

"The good news? Florida Congressman Mark Foley has entered rehab. The bad news? Rehab is a 14-year-old boy from Pakistan."
-Jay Leno

"The big question now is what should be done with Mark Foley's seat in Congress. I say, spray it with Lysol, boil it, coat it with Bactine, and then maybe you can sit on it."
-Jay Leno

"On Rush Limbaugh yesterday, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert said, 'We took care of Mr. Foley. We found out about it and asked him to resign.' Yeah, a year later. That's not just slow, that's FEMA slow."
-Jay Leno

"After being caught sending explicit emails to underage boys, Florida congressman Mark Foley has resigned. So his seat is up for grabs, which is what got him in trouble in the first place."
-Jay Leno

"This is like the worst thing to happen to congressional Republicans since last Thursday... Most people think GOP stands for Gay Old Pedophile."
-Jay Leno

"ABC is reporting that Mark Foley interrupted a vote on the House floor, stopped the House floor vote, so he could have online phone sex with a 16-year-old. Say what you want about Bill Clinton- he could sit at his desk and have sex and work at the same time."
-Jay Leno

"Apparently, new evidence that just came out shows that former Congressman Mark Foley once engaged in Internet sex with a former page while a vote was being taken in the House... Apparently, instead of voting 'Aye,' Foley voted 'Oh God yes!'"
-Conan O'Brien

"Mark Foley has now checked into rehab for alcoholism. Oh, shut up. Like that's the big problem. Who cares if he's addicted to Jack Daniels? He's addicted to little Jack and little Daniel. That's the problem."
-Jay Leno

"Actually, this scandal with Foley has finally led to some bipartisan cooperation in Congress. For example, Republican leaders had to meet with Ted Kennedy to find out what's the best rehab center."
-Jay Leno

"Have you all been following this scandal in Washington with ex-Congressman Mark Foley? Well, a couple of days ago, he checked himself into rehab... It had gotten so bad he had to go out and develop a drinking problem."
-David Letterman

"The ex-congressman, if nothing else, is contrite. He says when he gets out of rehab, he wants a fresh start and to turn over a new page."
-David Letterman

"He spent most of his career protecting children from Internet stalkers. Turns out he was doing it so he could have them all to himself."
-Jon Stewart

"Apparently he had text message phone sex with a boy during a vote on funding for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. No one can say he's soft on terror."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned over allegations he sent explicit emails to underage boys. What is it with Congress? If they?re not grabbing your wallet, they?re grabbing your ass."
-Jay Leno

"How about that Florida congressman Mark Foley? Whoa. At least the Democrats wait until the interns are 18."
-David Letterman

"The Republicans reacted quickly. They transferred Foley to a different parish."
-David Letterman

"So basically Pages are brought down there to perform sexual exploits for legislators?" ?Jon Stewart
"No, that's what the interns are for. Pages are just the aphrodisiacs, set the mood, get them primed. They?re the Fluffers of Liberty."
-Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee

"I don't think Foley gets it. Today he apologized and promised to turn over a new page."
-Jay Leno

"It's unbelievable the way the mainstream media is reporting this thing. Listening to them, you'd think it's all Foley's fault. Don't you think the kids bear some of the blame here? Hear me out. Let's be fair. How can a 53-year-old, six-term congressman hold out against the snares and seductive trickery of a high school student from the rural South?"
-Stephen Colbert

"Alcohol is an amazing thing. It turns completely normal politicians into perverts and completely normal actors into anti-Semites."
-Jimmy Kimmel

Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, asked why GOP leaders did not remove Foley from the Missing and Exploited Children's Committee after discovering the sexually explicit e-mails: "That's just the way it's done. Everyone knows that Congress people are assigned to committees based on their great weakness... Why would Senator Ted Stevens, a man more comfortable in the horse and buggy era, be in charge of regulating the Internet? Which he believes is a series of tubes- a series of tubes through which other congressmen can reach through and fondle 16-year-olds."

"So let that be a lesson to anyone running for Congress. You can Foley some of the people some of the time, but you can?t Foley all of the people all of the time."
-Jay Leno

"This incident is changing the way many big companies do business in Washington. Like Tobacco companies are now hiring underage boys as lobbyists because they know that?s the best way to reach congressmen."
-Jay Leno

"Bush lost focus on Iraq because Congressman Mark Foley wouldn't stop sending him inappropriate emails."
-the #1 item on David Letterman's list of the Top 10 Surprises in Bob Woodward's New Book

"Mark Foley...has checked into alcohol rehab. Yeah, when asked about it, Foley said, 'I have a problem with 18-year old Scotch and 16-year-old boys.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"Foley sent what appeared to be inappropriate e-mails and text messages to underage male congressional pages. Evidently, the Republican leadership knew about it anywhere from 11 months ago to 60 months ago. Now people are calling for House Speaker Denny Hastert to step down. That's totally unfair. He's a former high school wrestling coach. What would he know about the harassment of young boys? All he knows is if you pull it, you ice it."
-Stephen Colbert

"A Congressman from Florida, 52-year-old Mark Foley, resigned because of questionable emails he wrote to a former male page. The page as 16 years old at the time. And out of force of habit, the Catholic church offered to move him to another parish."
-Jay Leno

"I don't think this Mark Foley guy gets it. When a reporter asked him what he's going to do after he resigned, he said, 'I'm going to Disneyland!'... Actually, today he got a new job. He's going to join former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey's book tour."
-Jay Leno

"I remember the good old days, when the Republicans just screwed poor people."
-Jay Leno

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...