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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,045 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, September 23, 2006
posted by KGB at 9:06 AM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

9 p.m. "The Time Machine"

A 19th century inventor time-travels 800,000 years into the future where he discovers a savage landscape of war and division. It's nice to know some things never change. (2002) ABC.

Marin Independent Journal

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posted by KGB at 9:04 AM (permalink)

Dead philosopher's birthday quotes of the day

Cleverness is not wisdom.

No man is wholly free. He is a slave to wealth, or to fortune, or the laws, or the people [who] restrain him from acting according to his will alone.

Noble fathers have noble children.

To the fool, he who speaks wisdom will sound foolish.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.

Who dares not speak his free thoughts is a slave.

Death is a debt we all must pay.
-Euripedes

Euripedes pants, you bought 'em.
-Unattributed

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posted by KGB at 12:40 AM (permalink)

Political jokes of the week

In his speech, Bush said the United Nations is in danger of losing its credibility. And believe me, when it comes to international affairs, President Bush is an expert on losing credibility.
-Jay Leno

Laura Bush is spending the weekend with Bill Clinton. She is the keynote speaker at the three-day Clinton Global Initiative. President Bush says he's OK with this, but we'll see how he feels when she comes back with her skirt on backwards and without that frozen smile.
-Bill Maher

According to the latest poll, Bush's approval rating has rebounded to 44%- the highest level in a year. The White House says it's thrilled that Bush has gone from an overwhelming dislike to a general dislike.
-Conan O'Brien

You folks have any trouble with traffic today? It's because of the big opening of the U.N. General Assembly. You know who's here? The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He's the president who can actually pronounce 'nuclear.'
-David Letterman

It's hard to say you're sorry, especially when you're infallible. But by last weekend, Benedict offered these words of apology. He's sorry that people felt bad. That's known in Vatican terminology as a 'me-a-kinda.' It's a time-honored tradition in the Catholic Church dating back to the Inquisition when Pope Innocent IV said, 'We deeply regret the fact that so many non-believers happen to be flammable.'
-Jon Stewart

In the West Bank a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism fire bombed four churches, telling the Associated Press the attacks were carried out to protest the Pope's remarks linking Islam and violence. The irony of the statement, and this is often the case we find, was lost on them.
-Jon Stewart

It's rumored in Washington that Condoleezza Rice has a new boyfriend. Allegedly, he's Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. Since he's a diplomat and he visits her at the White House, he has to have a Secret Service code name. Do you know what his Secret Service code name is? 'Captain Kirk.' You know why they call him that? Because he's going where no man has gone before.
-Jay Leno

There've been huge protests in the Muslim world over anti-Muslim comments made by the new Pope, Pope Benedict. Today the Pope apologized, saying he never should have gone drinking with Mel Gibson.
-Jay Leno

This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.'
-Conan O'Brien

-Daniel Kurtzman on about.com

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Friday, September 22, 2006
posted by KGB at 8:15 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

As a CIA officer, if I look back and see a second set of footprints in the sand alongside my own, I'm thinking maybe it's Jesus, or maybe our tech guys are playing another one of their "jokes."
The Covert Comic

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posted by KGB at 6:58 AM (permalink)

Tickle This, Pally

While it seems everyone is going ga-ga over the tenth anniversary edition of Tickle Me Elmo, those of us who watched ABC's World News Now remember the original Elmo getting "friendly" with a desk on the overnight news show in 1996:

Then-anchor Mark Mullen observed, "I didn't know Elmo did that." Hilarity ensued.

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Thursday, September 21, 2006
posted by KGB at 7:51 AM (permalink)

Weally?

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posted by KGB at 1:20 AM (permalink)

But where do you put the mouse?

The specs look decent, but I doubt I'm going to order anything from this outfit.

Note that they "do not share our customer modalities." One can guess why.

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006
posted by KGB at 2:14 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.
-Otto von Bismarck

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posted by KGB at 1:47 AM (permalink)

Cartoon of the day

Paul Noth, published in The New Yorker September 18, 2006,
available from cartoonbank.com.

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posted by KGB at 1:29 AM (permalink)

Token technical content

The KGB Report's original mission was to disseminate technical info, something that's fallen by the wayside as my Luddite tendencies increase with age.

So, here's the token technical content for the month:

If you're really into dictionaries, https://www.onelook.com/ is the site for you. Search through 931 dictionaries- and there's even a reverse dictionary.

How can you not love a Mozilla Add-On named Advanced Dork?

Process Library is the place to go when your firewall wants to know if it's safe to run a program trying to access the Internet, or generally, what all those obscurely-named Windows programs actually do.

You get the idea. The best place to go on the Web for this kind of stuff is Gizmo Richard's Tech Support Alert site. Gizmo also has a great e-mail newsletter from which all the stuff in this post was stolen. Go there and be amazed.

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006
posted by KGB at 5:08 PM (permalink)

My. This is unpleasant.

Found this while searching through my referral logs. It might be a good emotional outlet, but it makes me wonder precisely what someone considers objectionable. And why that person isn't mature enough to just send me an email.

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posted by KGB at 7:04 AM (permalink)

Open the gas chamber doors please, Hal.

Criminals in China face being sent to the firing squad by a computer after the introduction of a software programme to help decide the sentences handed out by courts.

Judges are using computers equipped with a sophisticated legal database as an aid to determining punishments for 100 different crimes including robbery and rape by tapping in details of the crime and the mitigating circumstances.

(The Daily Mail via Rafal M. Sulejman)

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posted by KGB at 6:58 AM (permalink)

Inane news story of the day

Arms manufacturing monolith BAE Systems has decided to improve its whale-hugging credentials by developing a range of next-generation, environmentally-friendly weapons designed to be friendlier to Mother Earth.

Included in the list of tree-hugging hardware is the "lead-free" bullet, offering clear advantages over the traditional variety which "can harm the environment and pose a risk to people."

(The Register via Rafal M. Sulejman)

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posted by KGB at 6:53 AM (permalink)

Air Traffic Control conversation of the day

Lady ATC Controller (in a somewhat monotone and hard-to-hear voice): Airliner 123, proceed direct FATHR.

Airliner 123: Say again for 123.

ATC: 123, proceed direct FATHR.

Airliner: Couldn't quite understand you. center. Say again.

ATC (now in a slow, deliberate but still monotone voice): Airliner 123, proceed direct FATHR, as in "Luke, I am your father."

Airliner 123 (with chuckles): Direct FATHR, 123.

Later on, for a frequency change ...

ATC: Airliner 123, contact center on 123.45.

Airliner 123: Center on 123.45, and may the force be with you.

(via AvWeb)

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Monday, September 18, 2006
posted by KGB at 2:42 PM (permalink)

I'm so ashamed....

After years of complaining about the quality of local television news, I finally got a call from a survey outfit conducting a poll on the early morning news shows.

The bottom line: They got me to admit that I watch WTAE in the morning because I think Kelly Frey is one hot babe.

Honesty is its own punishment.

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posted by KGB at 1:33 PM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Men were designed for short, nasty, brutal lives.
Women are designed for long, miserable ones.
-Estelle Ramey (1917-2006)
Los Angeles Times [September 17, 2006],
Obituaries: Estelle Ramey, 89; Doctor, Sharp-Tongued Feminist

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posted by KGB at 11:01 AM (permalink)

Just wondering...

The story Wecht does 2nd autopsy on Anna Nicole's son appears on the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's Arts and Entertainment page.

Does one classify an autopsy as art or entertainment? Discuss among yourselves.

Obligatory quote of the day:

[Cyril Wecht is] a pain in the ass and an egocentric maniac, but other than that he's a good guy.
-James Roddey

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posted by KGB at 10:56 AM (permalink)

And speaking of pirates...

9 p.m. "Wife Swap"

The network is describing one of tonight's mothers as a "swashbuckling pirate mom." We're not sure what that means, but if a woman walks into the PTA with a parrot and an eye patch, we know to stay out of her way in the school drop-off zone. ABC.

(Marin Independent Journal)

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posted by KGB at 9:42 AM (permalink)

Prepare yeselves, ye scurvy dogs....

Tomorrow is Talk Like A Pirate Day, and participation is mandatory around here.

Go here to quickly get up to speed, and here to immerse yourself in the experience.

There be a quiz tomorra, matey...

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posted by KGB at 9:25 AM (permalink)

Fall has arrived

Today's National Temperature Index is 758°F / 403°C, the first time it's dropped below 800°F since May 23. Last year, the first sub-800 day was September 28.

Those adept at NTI analysis know what this means. We'd tell you, but we don't want to spoil your Monday.

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Sunday, September 17, 2006
posted by KGB at 6:52 AM (permalink)

Odd things you find while getting ready for church

The Christian Guide to Small Arms, in which one discovers Jesus wants you to have a gun.

(via Zay N. Smith in the Chicago Sun-Times.)

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...