KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

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(July 2000 and earlier)

Saturday, June 17, 2006
posted by KGB at 9:47 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

So trust is not a matter of probabilities. Statistics can't handle a sample of one. Trust is an act of faith. Trust is the gateway to either heaven or hell-and the gate is unmarked. Damn few have gone through.
-Donald Kingsbury

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posted by KGB at 1:40 AM (permalink)

They just don't write 'em like this any more...

(music by Harold Arlen, lyrics by E.Y. Harburg,
the guys who also did "Over the Rainbow.")

La-la-la...la-la-la.

Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia The Tattooed Lady.
She has eyes that men adore so,
and a torso even more so.
Lydia, oh Lydia, that encyclopedia.
Lydia The Queen of Tattoo.
On her back is The Battle of Waterloo.
Beside it, The Wreck of the Hesperus too.
And proudly above waves the red, white, and blue.
You can learn a lot from Lydia!

La-la-la...la-la-la.
La-la-la...la-la-la.

When her robe is unfurled she will show you the world,
if you step up and tell her where.
For a dime you can see Kankakee or Paree,
or Washington crossing The Delaware.

La-la-la...la-la-la.
La-la-la...la-la-la.

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia The Tattooed Lady.
When her muscles start relaxin',
up the hill comes Andrew Jackson.
... that encyclopedia.
Lydia The Queen of Tattoo.
For two bits she will do a mazurka in jazz,
with a view of Niagara that nobody has.
And on a clear day you can see Alcatraz.
You can learn a lot from Lydia!

La-la-la...la-la-la.
La-la-la...la-la-la.

Come along and see Buffalo Bill with his lasso.
Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso.
Here is Captain Spaulding exploring the Amazon.
Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas on.

La-la-la...la-la-la.
La-la-la...la-la-la.

Here is Grover Whalen unveilin' the Trilon.
Over on the West Coast we have Treaure Island.
Here's Najinsky a-doin' the rhumba.
Here's her social security numba.

Oh Lydia, oh Lydia, say, have you met Lydia?
Lydia The Queen of them all.
She once swept an Admiral clear off his feet.
The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat.
And now the old boy's in command of the fleet,
for he went and married Lydia!

I said Lydia...
He said Lydia...
I said Lydia...
He said Lydia...
Olé!

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Friday, June 16, 2006
posted by KGB at 2:01 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Intelligence is like sex: when it's good, it's very good, but it's never good.
The Covert Comic

Our favorite spook also adds a new word to the lexicon:

Dork chops ['dork 'chŎps], pl.n.

Vending machine snacks consumed by IT professionals forced to support yet another on-site production launch at 0300.

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posted by KGB at 1:58 AM (permalink)

Not quite "Headless Corpse Found In Topless Bar"...

...but close enough.

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Thursday, June 15, 2006
posted by KGB at 10:43 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Elsewhere, actress Darryl Hannah was one of forty protesters taken into custody by police yesterday, snapping a twenty-year streak in which she could not get arrested in Hollywood.
-Andy Borowitz, The Borowitz Report

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posted by KGB at 10:07 AM (permalink)

Headline of the day

BREAKING NEWS:
ROETHLISBERGER ESCAPES FROM HOSPITAL,
REGION ON HIGH ALERT

Those Carbolic Smoke Ball guys just break me up. Be sure to click on the link.

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posted by KGB at 8:42 AM (permalink)

The new Bambino

Granddaughter Leanna contemplates her first tee ball game.
On some other astral plane, my father is thrilled beyond description.

The pink glove is a nice touch.

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posted by KGB at 12:04 AM (permalink)

We Virgos don't believe in astrology...

But this site, which supplies lots of information related to one's birthday, also provided a rather accurate analysis, even though it is, after all, a lot of tripe. But well-packaged tripe. Bad spelling, though.

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Wednesday, June 14, 2006
posted by KGB at 12:35 AM (permalink)

Happy Birthday, and no, he's not gay

Hi, sailor?!

Various sources say today is the actual 68th anniversary of the first appearance of Superman in the June, 1938 issue of Action Comics. It's also two weeks until the June 28 debut of the highly anticipated blockbuster, Superman Returns. And the big topic on the Internet?

Claims that the legendary Man of Steel will come out of the closet, not the phone booth, in the upcoming blockbuster.

Oh, just stop it. Now.

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Tuesday, June 13, 2006
posted by KGB at 7:35 AM (permalink)

Joke of the day

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce."

"The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?"

The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

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posted by KGB at 7:28 AM (permalink)

Headline of the day

DR. CYRIL WECHT STARTED TO PERFORM AUTOPSY ON BEN ROETHLISBERGER AND SOLD PARTS OF HIM TO CARLOW COLLEGE! DETAILS AT 11.
The Carbolic Smoke Ball

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posted by KGB at 7:16 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I've never been quarantined, but the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
-George Carlin

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posted by KGB at 12:27 AM (permalink)

Must See TV? Maybe not...

LOS ANGELES (AP) - "Tonight" host Jay Leno might want to consider wearing referee stripes on Wednesday's show when Ann Coulter and George Carlin are his guests.

Coulter, the acid-tongued conservative with a new book out, and Carlin, the quick-witted, antiestablishment comedian who's in the voice cast for the new animated film "Cars," were booked at separate times for the NBC late-nighter, a spokeswoman said Monday.

But the duo's meeting could produce serious fireworks for "Tonight," which usually limits its political fodder to Leno's bipartisan monologue jokes.

Coulter, author of "Godless: The Church of Liberalism," has drawn fire for attacking the four New Jersey widows who pushed for an independent commission to investigate the Sept. 11 World Trade Center attacks in which their husbands died.

In her book, Coulter accuses the women of "reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis. I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much."

An appearance by Coulter on another NBC series, "Today," led to a prickly exchange with host Matt Lauer over her comments on the widows.

=====

Actually, not much might come of this. Coulter could bolt before Carlin's arrival. Carlin, there to plug a family picture, might not want to rock the boat. For that matter, an argument could be made that much of Carlin's material in the past decade has had a nihilistic bent. Coulter hates liberals. Carlin, it appears, hates everybody. But unlike Coulter, you get the feeling Carlin is sincere in his beliefs:

You know the one group I never criticize? Politicians. Politicians are put there by the public. Garbage in, garbage out. You get the leadership you deserve.

Environmentalists don't give a damn about the environment. All they are concerned with is getting more bike paths and Volvos.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Evolution is slow. Smallpox is fast.

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I see them as symbols, and I leave them to the symbol-minded.

I have as much authority as the Pope... I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I think people should be allowed to do whatever they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

If God is so great, how come everything he makes dies?

If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to f***.

People are okay taken two or three at a time. Beyond that number they tend to choose up sides and wear armbands.

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

The Christians are coming to get you. And they are not pleasant people.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

The next time they give you all that civic bulls*** about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

The only good thing to come out of religion is music.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

When fascism comes to this country, it won't be wearing jackboots; it'll be wearing sneakers with lights in them, and it'll have a smiley face and a Michael Jordan T-shirt on.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

The pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect. With those two things in place as firmly as they are, I don't see any hope for getting around them short of some sort of interesting cataclysm. So I root for a cataclysm, for its own sake, just as entertainment. I don't even care if it has a good result. We're circling the drain, and I just like seeing the circles get faster and shorter all the time.

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Monday, June 12, 2006
posted by KGB at 5:27 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

They turned a petting zoo into Auschwitz.
-Lewis Black (commenting on "hunting" clubs where rich people can shoot animals in a confined environment.)

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posted by KGB at 5:22 AM (permalink)

Imperfect technology

In that old battle of the wills between young people and their keepers, the young have found a new weapon that could change the balance of power on the cellphone front: a ring tone that many adults cannot hear.

In settings where cellphone use is forbidden- in class, for example- it is perfect for signaling the arrival of a text message without being detected by an elder of the species.

"When I heard about it I didn't believe it at first," said Donna Lewis, a technology teacher at the Trinity School in Manhattan. "But one of the kids gave me a copy, and I sent it to a colleague. She played it for her first graders. All of them could hear it, and neither she nor I could."

(New York Times)

Of course, the real technological breakthrough would be a device that would make teenagers' cellphone conversations inaudible, especially on public transportation and in theaters...

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Sunday, June 11, 2006
posted by KGB at 1:19 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Here's what we know about Ann Coulter. She's blonde, she's single, and well, maybe someone will set her up with O.J.
-David Letterman

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...