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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,045 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, April 01, 2006
posted by KGB at 7:21 AM (permalink)

Cartoon of the day

"I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. After that, law school was pretty much a given." (Danny Shanahan-Published in The New Yorker October 12, 1998. via cartoonbank.com.)

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Friday, March 31, 2006
posted by KGB at 7:31 AM (permalink)

There *is* intelligence at the CIA

This week's observations from KGB's favorite spook, The Covert Comic:

The Department of Homeland Security is America's combover.

If your name was Noam Chomsky, wouldn't you become a linguist?

While the Covert Comic's association with KGB Report and other subversives means he'll never get to be technical advisor to a Mission: Impossible movie or be able to use Q-ish devices on the indecisive idiot in front of him at Starbucks, he is, indeed, a stalwart company man who assures me the Agency does MAJOR good stuff that has been stopping really bad guys for decades, and Langley just cannot disclose it.

And if you doubt his assertions, stop and think a minute: when's the last time you saw Pauley Shore?

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Thursday, March 30, 2006
posted by KGB at 6:06 AM (permalink)

Well, THIS is interesting...

What is heck the CIA Marlin List, and why the heck am I on it?

C.I.A Marlin List
 
* A.B. "Buzzy" Krongard
* John Stockwell
* L. Fletcher Prouty
* Philip Agee
* William Blum
* Robert Baer
* Ralph McGehee
* Mohammad Reza Aghaei Laghaei
* Kevin G.Barkes

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posted by KGB at 5:41 AM (permalink)

Headline of the day

Church ousts dominatrix from vicarage

The only problem we ever had at our church was mice. And maybe a raccoon or two.

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posted by KGB at 5:21 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
-Unattributed

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posted by KGB at 12:41 AM (permalink)

Things you'd think you'd know by the time you're in your 50s

When you give your order at the speaker at McDonalds or Wendy's, tell them then that you want ketchup. It actually shows up as a no-cost menu item on the order screen, and it has a much better chance of actually making it into the bag.

When I got home last night, I was pleasantly surprised to discover five packs of ketchup in the bottom of the bag. I also found a fish sandwich instead of the quarter pounder, but every discovery has its price.

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006
posted by KGB at 10:39 AM (permalink)

More than you probably want to know about staring at the sun during a solar eclipse

A quick glance isn't going to make you go blind. Frankly, I can think of several more convenient and appealing ways to accomplish that.

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posted by KGB at 8:45 AM (permalink)

About that immigrant problem...

This just about covers it.

Salient points:

The US has TWO international borders, not ONE. To date, not a single terrorist has gotten to the US through Mexico; to date, at least two suspected terrorists have arrived here through Canada. In fact, I would not be surprised if, while the media and xenophobes are focused on the Mexican border, terrorists figure out that it might be a good idea to walk over from Vancouver to Seattle for a latte.

Shut up about this non-issue and get back to BEING JOURNALISTS, covering the REAL issues, like the illegal war in Iraq and the lies that got us there; the record-setting trade deficit; Bush's bankrupting of America; NSA's illegal wiretapping of American citizens; the fact that our public schools are MORE segregated than they were before Brown vs. the Board of Education; the fact that we as a nation have now slipped to having only the 27th freest press in the world; the Plame leak and the consequences of it being that Americans are much less safe than we were before Cheney and his friends played "revenge;" the disappearance of the American middle class and unions; the sorry state of the FAA; the rapid devaluation of the American dollar on the world market thanks to idiot leaders; the dismantling of the endangered species act by our administration; the rapid and unprecedented rise of a white underclass (the fastest rise in poor whites in American history has occurred under Bush); the enormous and growing gap between rich and poor in America.

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posted by KGB at 6:38 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Former drug addicts and alcoholics have to stop saying, "I almost died." No. Cancer survivors almost died. You almost had too good a time.
-Bill Maher

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Tuesday, March 28, 2006
posted by KGB at 5:30 AM (permalink)

The Lord Giveth...

Television is a gift of God, and God will hold those who utilize his divine instrument accountable to him.
Philo T. Farnsworth

Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it.
Pope John Paul II

A thick skin is a gift from God.
Konrad Adenauer

I believe that the power to make money is a gift from God.
John D. Rockefeller

I look upon life as a gift from God. I did nothing to earn it. Now that the time is coming to give it back, I have no right to complain.
Joyce Carey

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posted by KGB at 5:11 AM (permalink)

Quote of the Day

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong

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posted by KGB at 4:19 AM (permalink)

And it's one, two, three talaqs, you're out.

It certainly sounds bizarre, but on the upside it really cuts down on legal expenses.

NEW DELHI (Reuters) - A Muslim couple in India has been told by local Islamic leaders they must separate after the husband "divorced" his wife in his sleep, the Press Trust of India reported.

Sohela Ansari told friends that her husband Aftab had uttered the word "talaq,"" or divorce, three times in his sleep, according to the report published in newspapers Monday.

When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab's words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as "triple talaq." The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split.

If only cellular telephone contracts worked that way...

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Monday, March 27, 2006
posted by KGB at 7:37 AM (permalink)

At least it's not the Luddites...

You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files.
(thanks to Graham Weeks)

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posted by KGB at 7:27 AM (permalink)

What to do at lunch today

Read this fascinating article about Dorothy Parker. (Thanks to the Sanity Inspector on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup.)

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.
-Dorothy Parker

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posted by KGB at 3:21 AM (permalink)

Cartoon of the day

From The New Yorker

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Sunday, March 26, 2006
posted by KGB at 1:20 AM (permalink)

Live long and prosper

Happy birthday to Leonard Nimoy, who's 75 today.

The picture above is a self-portrait, with the naked lady cropped out.

Naked lady?? Ah, Leonard, l'chaim!

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...