KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

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(July 2000 and earlier)

Saturday, August 20, 2005
posted by KGB at 7:07 PM (permalink)

He's from the government and he's here to help...

Essential profiling tip from The Covert Comic: Dark clothes, face painted white, never speaks: If it harasses you, it's a mime. If it acts like it's being harassed by you, it's a Goth.

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Friday, August 19, 2005
posted by KGB at 9:33 AM (permalink)

The rules...

Also spread all over the net; thanks to the missus for forwarding to me:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hangout with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!

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Thursday, August 18, 2005
posted by KGB at 5:35 AM (permalink)

Been there, done that.

Haven't we been here before?

Perhaps there aren't any lines and shortages -yet- but this whole gasoline business is disturbingly familiar to those of us who lived through the two oil "crises" in the 70s.

The effects of those events live on. For those of you 30 and younger, it's the reason why your home's thermostat is set at 68° in the winter and the reason why most highway speed limits are 55 mph. It's why new cars have EPA mileage stickers on them and refrigerators and air conditioners have energy efficiency ratings. It's the reason why your parents bugged you to turn out the lights when you left a room.

You'd think that having two shortages in five years would have prompted the government to do something. Oh, for a while, they did... you could get tax credits for weatherproofing your house, Congress threw dribs and drabs of money at alternative energy sources. But soon the perceived problem disappeared. As the world continued to suck oil out of the ground at ever-increasing rates, we responded by developing minivans and SUVs.

As was the case in the 70s, a hint of what the future held could be glimpsed by looking at Japan. Back then, Japan was developing well-built, fuel-efficient autos while Detroit was selling over-powered gas hogs. The auto industry barely survived as they abandoned their gas-guzzling land cruisers.

And today? People are cringing at the pump as they top off their SUVs and Hummers (again), and Japan (again) can't make enough hybrids.

Instead of developing alternate forms of energy, in the past three years we've spent $180 billion fighting over oil in the middle east. Since the 70s, that figure has to be at least double or triple that.

It only cost $20 billion to completely invent, within the span of nine years, all of the technologies required to land a man on the moon. Of course, we weren't displacing any rich and powerful oilmen in the process, which is why it could be accomplished.

So, boys and girls, what have we learned?

Nothing, obviously.

“History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.”-(unattributed)

A friendly piece of advice: the next time you vote for someone holding a federal office, it's best to make certain they don't have inextricable ties to the present energy industry.

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Wednesday, August 17, 2005
posted by KGB at 3:58 AM (permalink)

But I like OpryLand...

This one's spreading rather quickly on the net...

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Opryland.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Good luck.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-civil liberties, pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the medicinal marijuana, too. You can have all the cheap beer you want.

Peace out,
Blue States

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005
posted by KGB at 2:37 AM (permalink)

All you need to know about today...

Today's birthdays include:

Hugo Gernsback, the father of modern science fiction
T.E. Lawrence (Lawrence of Arabia)
Fess Parker ("Daniel Boone")
Robert Culp (his Bill Maxwell on "The Greatest American Hero" is my favorite episodic television character)
Frank Gifford
Kathy Lee Gifford
Eydie Gorme (egads... she's 74)
Julie Newmar (Holy Fosamax, Batman! Catwoman's 72!)
Leslie Ann Warren
James Cameron
Madonna

Elvis allegedly passed away 28 years ago; Babe Ruth also died on this date in 1948; he was only 53.

The Emancipation Proclamation was signed in 1863, gold was discovered in the Klondike in 1896, the roller coaster was patented in 1898, and Sports Illustrated published its first issue in 1954.

Hmm... what else is going on? Oh, yeah... it's oil company market manipulations, not OPEC, causing the spike in gasoline prices, and Google continues its plan of world domination.

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Monday, August 15, 2005
posted by KGB at 6:22 AM (permalink)

Yes, we have no bananas. But boy, have we got a fungus for you!

Banana crisis! Forget about gasoline prices: America's most popular fruit (well, actually, it's a giant herb), the Cavendish banana, is being ravaged by a fungus that could cause its worldwide eradication, according to this report. Scientists are working feverishly to genetically modify the plant, hoping to avoid a repeat of a similar disaster that occurred in the 60s, when the bigger and tastier Gros Michel banana was also made extinct by a fungus. As if things weren't bad enough already.

*****

New Yorkers have such interesting conversations.

*****

This week's words of wisdom from The Covert Comic:

I'd love to change the world, but I can't find a big enough diaper.

You might be a redneck if I slit your throat.

Do hermaphrodites leave the toilet seat up or down?

*****

Status report: the Hanes underwear appears to be working out. No telltale elastic stretchage. Time will tell.

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Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...