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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,267 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, March 19, 2005
posted by KGB at 11:27 AM (permalink)

Oh Moses, Moses... ABC is airing us a day early

ABC traditionally airs The Ten Commandments on Palm Sunday, but this year they're showing it tonight at 7EP/6C.

They just don't make 'em like this any more. Top name Hollywood stars, a literal cast of thousands, and even Alfalfa from Our Gang/The Little Rascals.

Ready when you are, C.B.

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Friday, March 18, 2005
posted by KGB at 6:44 AM (permalink)

Now it makes sense...

Separated at birth?

(From 2 Political Junkies.)

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Thursday, March 17, 2005
posted by KGB at 6:35 AM (permalink)

Ten ways Dick Cheney can kill you

From Grouchy Old Cripple, via Leslie's Omnibus.

And don't miss Rummy's Fighting Techniques.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005
posted by KGB at 7:19 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

President Clinton is in recovery. He's doing well. He had quadruple bypass surgery. Then recently he had some other problems. But now he's at home. Who thought his heart would be the first organ to give out?
-David Letterman

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Tuesday, March 15, 2005
posted by KGB at 10:25 AM (permalink)

Webster wedgie

The next edition of Webster's New World Dictionary will include the underwear-lodged-in-the-butt-crack definition of the word "wedgie."

Other lexicographic additions include:

blog
Botox
digital camera
chad
e-commerce
identity theft
irritable bowel syndrome
Megan's Law
paintball
street cred
touch screen
webcast
Wi-Fi
WMD

Webster still trails the Oxford English Dictionary in trendiness; recent additions to the mother of all dictionaries included:

Chinglish
cosmeceutical
e-learning
Hizzoner
hoochie
Hummer
code bloat
shock jock
bottom cleavage
crack ho

It is comforting to note that both learned tomes will now contain the word that best describes one's attitude concerning the current state of the English language:

Sheesh.

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Monday, March 14, 2005
posted by KGB at 9:14 AM (permalink)

Those who celebrate πR²?
and Happy Birthday, Al

Today is Pi Day, or Math Geek Day, depending upon one's tolerance of inane pseudo-holidays.

According to the Wikipedia:

March 14, written 3/14 in the USA date format, is the official day for Pi Day derived from the common three-digit approximation for the number π: 3.14. It is usually celebrated at 1:59 PM (in recognition of the six-digit approximation: 3.14159). Some, using a twenty-four-hour clock rather than a twelve hour clock, say that 1:59 PM is actually 13:59 and celebrate it at 1:59 AM instead. Parties have been held by mathematics departments of various schools around the world.

This day has been celebrated in a variety of ways. Groups of people, typically pi clubs, give thought to the role that the number π has played in their lives and imagine the world without π. During such an event, pi celebrants may devise alternative values for π, eat pi (pie), play pi (piñata), or drink pi (piña colada).

The “ultimate” pi day occurred on March 14th, 1592, at 6:54 AM. When written in American-style date format, this is 3/14/1592 6:54, which corresponds to the ten-digit approximation of pi: 3.141592654. However, considering this was well before any kind of standardized world time had been established, and the general population, excluding mathematicians, scholars, etc, had no concept of π, the holiday went unnoticed. (A little bit of Wikipedia humor there, folks.)

For those of you really into π, go here, the home of the “Ridiculously Enhanced Pi Page.”

Today is also Albert Einstein's birthday. Here are a few Al-isms which can be grasped by the mathematically challenged:

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don't have to.

If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Never memorize anything you can look up.

Relativity applies to physics, not ethics.

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Sunday, March 13, 2005
posted by KGB at 11:30 AM (permalink)

Joy in Spookville

The KGB Report's favorite CIA operative, humorist, computer adept, and former rock star (talk about your quadruple threat), The Covert Comic is back to work in Spookville after seven weeks of "administrative leave". In the Guvmint's defense- well, that darned Constitution can be interpreted in so many different ways, you know?

His reinstatement was a foregone conclusion. As CC himself notes, "How can CIA fire me, when I'm the only one who knows where the backup CD with all the intelligence is?"

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posted by KGB at 11:22 AM (permalink)

Gag of the day...

From a bank sign in a John Callahan cartoon:

Time: 2:30 am|PM
Temp: 70° c|F
Oprah Winfrey is: fat|THIN

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...