Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
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He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Thursday, August 26, 2004

Life, death, what's the difference?

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, who died yesterday at the age of 78, was best known for her book "On Death and Dying" in which she enumerated the five stages of grief a dying person experiences: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Truth be told, these five stages are applicable not just to death, but to damn near every one of my daily experiences:

Denial: Is that the alarm? Nah, it can't be.
Anger: Dammit, I set the alarm wrong.
Bargaining: I'm just going to coast for another ten minutes before I get up.
Depression: Crap. Now I'm going to be late. The entire day is going to be screwed up. Why do I even bother?
Acceptance: Sigh. Why should today be any different?

Denial: Shopping? We don't need to go shopping.
Anger: Why do I have to go with you? You're a big girl, you can go to store by yourself. I'm not going. You can't make me.
Bargaining: Instead of going all the way to Sam's Club, why don't we just go to the Foodland?
Depression: There goes the afternoon. First I lose an hour because of the alarm business, now three hours pissed away pushing a buggy. My life is the Big Gulp of ennui.
Acceptance: The girls from the trailer park shop at Sam's, their wardrobes consist primarily of halter tops, and the air conditioning is really cranked up in there.

Denial: Nah, it can't be. Engineering said they fixed this.
Anger: The only difference between the executables is the compile date! Did they even run the damn thing before releasing it?
Bargaining: Maybe I can just change the documentation...
Depression: This is like unprotected sex. One mistake, and a lifetime of support.
Acceptance: Well, when the time comes for them to renew their maintenance contract, I can point out we sent them 12 different builds of the software in the last year.

"If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none."-Mel Brooks

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Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Quote of the day

"If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half."
-Rodney Dangerfield (commenting on his upcoming heart surgery).

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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Better than Battleship

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5x5 is a good size. Divide the card into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* take that off-line
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* pro-active
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mind-set
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage and last but not least
*MOVING FORWARD

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout, "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."-Paul D., Caloundra

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."-David D., Rockhampton

"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."-Ben G., Sydney

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third time in two hours."-Kathleen L., Canberra

Related links:

Card generator

Short film.

Not only did he invent the Internet, Al Gore is responsible for the game's predecessor, buzzword bingo.

(Thanks to David Browning)

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Monday, August 23, 2004

Quote of the day

"The rest of the world views the USA the way Silicon Valley views Microsoft.
Except with tanks."
-Brad Templeton (from Dave Farber's Interesting People mailing list)

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Sunday, August 22, 2004

Call the cops!!

I've Been Robbed!
"Police!!!"

Armed robbers steal 'The Scream'

OSLO, Norway (CNN) -- Masked robbers stormed into an art museum in Norway and stole Edvard Munch's famous paintings "The Scream" and "Madonna" at gunpoint before the eyes of stunned museum-goers.

Sunday's raid happened in broad daylight at the the Oslo museum named after the Norwegian artist.

"They knew exactly where the paintings were and took them down from the wall," Jorunn Christophersen, head of information for the Munch Museum, told CNN.

The thieves also stole Munch's "Madonna."

"They are our most valuable paintings," Christophersen said.

She disputed a report that the paintings were unguarded, saying an alarm sounded after they pulled the paintings off the wall.

"There is an alarm system and [the paintings] are stuck to the wall with solid screws but they have just used force in taking the Munch [paintings] away," she said.

Christopherson also said the robbers threatened the guards with guns, as they headed out to their getaway car.

"The Scream" was stolen 10 years ago, from Oslo's National Art Museum, and recovered three months later after the perpetrators failed to extract ransom for its return.

So far, the perpetrators have not contacted authorities with any similar requests, Christophersen said.

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Copyright © 1987-2017 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

commentwear


Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


Feral Geek


eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

Eff and Scrute

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Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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