Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.
network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...
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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!
"No religious Test shall ever be required as a
Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the
Article VI, U.S. Constitution
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Friday, May 21, 2004
Six of one, half-dozen of another...
So, the poison ivy is gone, thanks to topical cortisone cream and a course of prednisone therapy.
Next on the agenda... steroid acne.
At least it's limited to my chest. And it doesn't itch.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Quote of the Day
"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president."-Kurt Vonnegut, In These Times
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
The Golden Rat
Man walks into a store, sees a golden rat, thinks it's cool. The tag says $12. "Is this really $12?" he asks the owner.
"Yes, $12 for the statue, but $500 for the story."
The man sees the sales ploy, ignores it, and says "No story, I just want the rat." So he buys it and leaves the store.
Soon, he hears noises behind him, and he turns around to see a rat following him. Soon, more rats begin following him. He speeds up, so do the rats. More rats come out of the drains, the sewers, the alleys... from everywhere.
The man freaks out and starts to run. Every rat in town is behind him. He runs as fast as he can until he reaches the shoreline, runs out on a pier, and hurls the Golden Rat as far out to sea as he can. Every single rat leaps into the water after the statue and drowns.
So he goes back to the store. The owner smiles at him and nods knowingly. "Ah, now you want the story, don't you?"
"No," the man replies. "I want a Golden Republican."
from David Browning, who also supplied this really scary link.
Yep, it's the Apocalypse. Which would be a bit more palatable if he could actually spell "apocalypse".
What a letdown...
In 1983, Motown celebrated its 25th anniversary with Motown 25: Yesterday, Today and Forever, possibly the best musical special ever aired on television. It was the show where the Temptations and Four Tops engaged in a five-minute battle of the bands featuring a legendary medley of a dozen of their greatest hits. It featured a performance by Diana Ross that began her slide into quasi-oblivion and DUI offenses. It was the show where Michael Jackson, when he was only mildly eccentric and at the peak of the phenomenal success of his Thriller album, sang with The Jackson Five and brought down the house with Billie Jean, performing his signature moonwalk for the first time.
Last night, 21 years later, ABC aired Motown 45.
With a few exceptions, it was painful to watch. Gladys Knight was superb, as were the Funk Brothers, the Motown house band that played on most of the label's biggest hits. Lionel Ritchie was not bad. Half of the singers I didn't recognize. Groups were missing key members due to death or illness, which is understandable.
But much of the singing was just plain bad. The sound engineer for this show ought to be drawn and quartered. I suspect the placement of the band and the monitor speakers made it difficult for the singers to hear themselves, because the number of flat and just plain wrong notes made many of the performances sound like 2 a.m. on karaoke night at the local bar. The audio mixing, especially for the Temptations, was just abysmal.
Whoever is responsible for this abomination should never again be permitted to work in the television industry.
It's one thing to produce a bad show. It's quite another to damage the reputations and legends of the greatest performers of the 1960s.
Do yourself a favor. Get the Motown 25 tape and avoid this turkey at all costs. Watching it will just depress you.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Back in Chicago
Aside from waiting an hour for my luggage to appear on the carousel, the trip from Frankfurt to O'Hare was uneventful. Willis the wino was gladdened by the return of his chief soft-hearted/headed benefactor. Ah, America... home of the free and land of the homeless. I gave him all my change. Wonder if Granville Liquors accepts euros?
I slept a couple hours on the plane, accidentally fell asleep for about six hours yesterday afternoon, and have been up since about 3 a.m. It'll be interesting to assess the condition of my mental state at the end of the workday.
The big challenge today... expense reports. The math is bad enough, but then there's the conversion between euros and dollars. I think I'm just going to wait for the credit card bill. Or ask Willis.
Too bad he didn't follow his own advice. Especially the items in bold.
Advice on government, business and life.
By Donald Rumsfeld
The Wall Street Journal, Monday, January 29, 2001
Many of these rules, reflections and quotations came from my role as chairman of the “transition team” for President Ford and my service as White House chief of staff. Others came from experiences as a U.S. naval aviator, a member of Congress, ambassador to the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, secretary of defense, presidential Middle East envoy, business executive, chairman of the U.S. Ballistic Missile Threat Commission, and other experiences.
These reflections and quotations have been gathered over the past 40 years. Credit is given where known. As the quotation has it, “If it's not true, it's still well founded.”-Unknown
Serving in the White House
(for the White House chief of staff and senior staff)
Don't accept the post or stay unless you have an understanding with the president that you're free to tell him what you think “with the bark off” and you have the courage to do it.
Visit with your predecessors from previous administrations. They know the ropes and can help you see around some corners. Try to make original mistakes, rather than needlessly repeating theirs.
Don't begin to think you're the president. You're not. The Constitution provides for only one.
In the execution of presidential decisions work to be true to his views, in fact and tone.
Know that the immediate staff and others in the administration will assume that your manner, tone and tempo reflect the president's.
Learn to say “I don't know.” If used when appropriate, it will be often.
If you foul up, tell the president and correct it fast. Delay only compounds mistakes.
Walk around. If you are invisible, the mystique of the president's office may perpetuate inaccurate impressions about you or the president, to his detriment. After all, you may not be as bad as they're saying.
In our system leadership is by consent, not command. To lead, a president must persuade. Personal contacts and experiences help shape his thinking. They can be critical to his persuasiveness and thus to his leadership.
Be precise. A lack of precision is dangerous when the margin of error is small.
Preserve the president's options. He may need them.
It is easier to get into something than to get out of it.
Don't divide the world into “them” and “us.” Avoid infatuation with or resentment of the press, the Congress, rivals, or opponents. Accept them as facts. They have their jobs and you have yours.
Amid all the clutter, beyond all the obstacles, aside from all the static, are the goals set. Put your head down, do the best job possible, let the flak pass, and work toward those goals.
Don't say “the White House wants.” Buildings can't want.
Leave the president's family business to him. You will have plenty to do without trying to manage the first family. They are likely to do fine without your help.
Make decisions about the president's personal security. He can overrule you, but don't ask him to be the one to counsel caution.
Being vice president is difficult. Don't make it tougher.
Don't automatically obey presidential directives if you disagree or if you suspect he hasn't considered key aspects of the issue.
The price of being close to the president is delivering bad news. You fail him if you don't tell him the truth. Others won't do it.
You and the White House staff must be and be seen to be above suspicion. Set the right example.
The role of White House chief of staff is that of a “javelin catcher.”-Jack Watson
Don't speak ill of your predecessors or successors. You didn't walk in their shoes.
Remember the public trust. Strive to preserve and enhance the integrity of the office of the presidency. Pledge to leave it stronger than when you came.
Don't blame the boss. He has enough problems.
Keeping Your Bearings in the White House
Enjoy your time in public service. It may well be one of the most interesting and challenging times of your life.
Don't think of yourself as indispensable or infallible. As Charles de Gaulle said, the cemeteries of the world are full of indispensable men.
Let your family, staff and friends know that you're still the same person, despite all the publicity and notoriety that accompanies your position.
Have a deputy and develop a successor. Don't be consumed by the job or you'll risk losing your balance. Keep your mooring lines to the outside world- family, friends, neighbors, people out of government and people who may not agree with you.
When asked for your views, by the press or others, remember that what they really want to know is the president's views.
Most of the 50 or so invitations you receive each week come from people inviting the president's chief of staff, not you. If you doubt that, ask your predecessor how many he received last week.
Keep your sense of humor. As Gen. Joe Stillwell said, “The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind.”
Be yourself. Follow your instincts. Success depends, at least in part, on the ability to “carry it off.”
Know that the amount of criticism you receive may correlate somewhat to the amount of publicity you receive.
If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much.
From where you sit, the White House may look as untidy as the inside of a stomach. As is said of the legislative process, sausage making and policy making shouldn't be seen close-up. Don't let that panic you. Things may be going better than they look from the inside.
Be able to resign. It will improve your value to the president and do wonders for your performance.
If you are lost- “climb, conserve, and confess.”- U.S. Navy SNJ Flight Manual
Doing the Job in the White House
Your performance depends on your people. Select the best, train them, and back them. When errors occur, give sharper guidance. If errors persist or if the fit feels wrong, help them move on. The country cannot afford amateur hour in the White House.
You will launch many projects but have time to finish only a few. So think, plan, develop, launch and tap good people to be responsible. Give them authority and hold them accountable. Trying to do too much yourself creates a bottleneck.
Think ahead. Don't let day-to-day operations drive out planning.
Plan backward as well as forward. Set objectives and trace back to see how to achieve them. You may find that no path can get you there. Plan forward to see where your steps will take you, which may not be clear or intuitive.
Don't “overcontrol” like a novice pilot. Stay loose enough from the flow that you can observe, calibrate and refine.
A president needs multiple sources of information. Avoid excessively restricting the flow of paper, people, or ideas to the president, though you must watch his time. If you overcontrol, it will be your “regulator” that controls, not his. Only by opening the spigot fairly wide, risking that some of his time may be wasted, can his “regulator” take control.
If in doubt, move decisions up to the president.
When you raise issues with the president, try to come away with both that decision and also a precedent. Pose issues so as to evoke broader policy guidance. This can help to answer a range of similar issues likely to arise later.
See that the president, the cabinet and the staff are informed. If cut out of the information flow, their decisions may be poor, not made, or not confidently or persuasively implemented.
Don't allow people to be excluded from a meeting or denied an opportunity to express their views because their views differ from the president's views, the views of person who calls the meeting, or your views. The staff system must have integrity and discipline.
When the president is faced with a decision, be sure he has the recommendations of all appropriate people, or that he realizes he does not have their views and is willing to accept the consequence. They will be out of sync, unhappy and less effective if they feel they are or are seen as having been “cut out.”
Don't be a bottleneck. If a matter is not a decision for the president or you, delegate it. Force responsibility down and out. Find problem areas, add structure, and delegate. The pressure is to do the reverse. Resist it.
If the staff lacks policy guidance against which to test decisions, their decisions will be random.
One of your tasks is to separate the “personal” from the “substantive.” The two can become confused, especially if someone rubs the president wrong.
Test ideas in the marketplace. You learn from hearing a range of perspectives. Consultation helps engender the support decisions need to be successfully implemented.
If a prospective presidential approach can't be explained clearly enough to be understood well, it probably hasn't been thought through well enough. If not well understood by the American people, it probably won't “sail” anyway. Send it back for further thought.
Many people around the president have sizeable egos before entering government, some with good reason. Their new positions will do little to moderate their egos.
Move decisions out to the cabinet and agencies. Strengthen them by moving responsibility, authority and accountability their direction.
Control your time. If you're working off your in-box, you're working off the priorities of others. Be sure the staff is working on what you move to them from the president, or the president will be reacting, not leading.
Look for what's missing. Many advisers can tell a president how to improve what's proposed or what's gone amiss. Few are able to see what isn't there.
Think of dealing with Congress as a “revolving door.” You'll be back to today's opponents for their help tomorrow. Presidential proposals will need a member of Congress's support on some issue, at some time, regardless of philosophy, party or their positions on other issues. Don't allow White House links to members to be cut because they may disagree on some or even many issues.
Work continuously to trim the White House staff from your first day to your last. All the pressures are to the contrary.
Don't do or say things you would not like to see on the front page of the Washington Post.
Serving in Government
Public servants are paid to serve the American people. Do it well.
Congress, the press and the bureaucracy too often focus on how much money or effort is spent, rather than whether the money or effort actually achieves the announced goal.
It is very difficult to spend “federal (the taxpayers') dollars” so that the intended result is achieved.
Beware when any idea is promoted primarily because it is “bold, exciting, innovative and new.” There are many ideas that are “bold, exciting, innovative and new,” but also foolish.
The federal government should be the last resort, not the first. Ask if a potential program is truly a federal responsibility or whether it can better be handled privately, by voluntary organizations, or by local or state governments.
As former Rep. Tom Curtis of Missouri said, “Public money drives out private money.”
Strive to make proposed solutions as self-executing as possible. As the degree of discretion increases, so too do bureaucracy, delay and expense.
Presidential leadership needn't always cost money. Look for low- and no-cost options. They can be surprisingly effective.
Include others. As former Sen. Pat Moynihan (D., N.Y.) said, “Stubborn opposition to proposals often has no other basis than the complaining question, 'Why wasn't I consulted?'”
Watch for the “not invented here” syndrome.
“The atmosphere in which social legislation is considered is not a friend of truth.”-Pat Moynihan
If in doubt, don't.
If still in doubt, do what's right.
Treat each federal dollar as if it was hard earned. It was- by a taxpayer.
“Try to analyze situations intelligently, anticipate problems and move swiftly to solve them. However, when you're up to your ears in alligators, it is difficult to remember that the reason you're there is to drain the swamp.”-Unknown
“In Washington, D.C., the size of a farewell party may be directly proportional to the honoree's new position and their prospective ability to dispense largess.” -D.G. Cross
“Every government looking at the actions of another government and trying to explain them always exaggerates rationality and conspiracy, and underestimates incompetency and fortuity.”- Silberman's Law of Diplomacy, U.S. Circuit Court Judge Laurence Silberman
Politics, Congress and the Press
First rule of politics: you can't win unless you're on the ballot.
Second rule: If you run, you may lose.
And if you tie, you do not win.
Politics is human beings; it's addition rather than subtraction.
“The winner is not always the swiftest, surest or smartest. It's the one willing to get up at 5 a.m. and go to the plant gate to meet the workers.”-Unknown
In politics, every day is filled with numerous opportunities for serious error. Enjoy it.
The most underestimated risk for a politician is overexposure.
When someone with a rural accent says, “I don't know much about politics,” zip up your pockets.
If you try to please everybody, somebody's not going to like it.
Don't necessarily avoid sharp edges. Occasionally they are necessary to leadership.
“The oil can is mightier than the sword.”-former Sen. Everett Dirksen (R., Ill.)
Arguments of convenience lack integrity and inevitably trip you up.
Remember where you came from.
Members of the House and the Senate are not there by accident. Each managed to get there for some reason. Learn what it was and you will know something important about them, about our country and about the American people.
With the press there is no “off the record.”
“There are only three responses to questions from the press: (1) 'I know and will tell you'; (2) 'I know and I can't tell you'; and (3) 'I don't know.'”-Dan Rather
For the Secretary of Defense
The secretary of defense is not a super general or admiral. His task is to exercise civilian control over the department for the commander in chief and the country.
Reserve the right to get into anything, and exercise it. Make your deputies and staff realize that, although many responsibilities are delegated, no one should be surprised when the secretary engages an important issue.
Manage the interaction between the Pentagon and the White House. Unless you establish a narrow channel for the flow of information and “tasking” back and forth, the process can quickly become chaotic.
Normal management techniques may not work in the department. When pushing responsibility downward, be sure not to contribute to a weakening of the cohesion of the services; what cohesion exists has been painfully achieved over the decades.
When cutting staff at the Pentagon, don't eliminate the thin layer that assures civilian control.
Avoid public spats. When a department argues with other government agencies in the press, it reduces the president's options.
Establish good relations between the departments of Defense and State, the National Security Council, CIA and the Office of Management and Budget.
Be sure key U.S. ambassadors are informed on defense activities in their countries.
Develop a personal relationship with the chairman and each of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They are almost always outstanding public servants. In time of crisis, those relationships can be vital.
“If you get the objectives right, a lieutenant can write the strategy.”-Gen. George Marshall
Napoleon was asked, “Who do you consider to be the greatest generals?” He responded, “The victors.”
When you initiate new activities, find things you are currently doing that you can discontinue- whether reports, activities, etc. It works, but you must force yourself to do it. Always keep in mind your “teeth-to-tail ratio.”
Watch the growth of middle-level management. Don't automatically fill vacant jobs. Leave some positions unfilled for six to eight months to see what happens. You will find you won't need to fill some of them.
Reduce the layers of management. They put distance between the top of an organization and the customers.
Find ways to decentralize. Move decision-making authority down and out. Encourage a more entrepreneurial approach.
Prune- prune businesses, products, activities, people. Do it annually.
Know your customers!
Develop a few key themes and stick to them. It works. Repetition is necessary. “Quality.” “Customers.” “Innovation.” “Service.” Whatever!
That which you require be reported on to you will improve, if you are selective. How you fashion your reporting system announces your priorities and sets the institution's priorities.
People do better in staff jobs if they have had operational experience. It helps to look at things from others' perspectives.
Reduce the number of lawyers. They are like beavers- they get in the middle of the stream and dam it up.
Beware of the argument that “this is a period for investment; improvements will come in the out years.” The tension between the short term and long term can be constructive, but there is no long term without a short term.
Too often management recommends plans that look like Bob Hope's nose or a hockey stick. The numbers go down the first year or so and then up in the later years. If you accept hockey-stick plans, you will find they will be proposed year after year.
The way to do well is to do well.
Don't let the complexity of a large company mask the need for performance. Bureaucracy is a conspiracy to bring down the big. And it can. You may need to be large to compete in the world stage, but you need to find ways to avoid allowing that size to mask poor performance.
“No plan survives contact with the enemy.”-Old military axiom
Remember: A's hire A's and B's hire C's.
“The advantage of a free market is that it allows millions of decision-makers to respond individually to freely determined prices, allocating resources- labor, capital and human ingenuity- in a manner that can't be mimicked by a central plan, however brilliant the central planner.”- Friedrich A. Hayek
On Life (and Other Things)
“You can't pray a lie.”- Mark Twain, “Huckleberry Finn”
“It takes everyone to make a happy day.”- Marcy Rumsfeld, age seven
“The most important things in life you cannot see -- civility, justice, courage, peace.”- Unknown
“Persuasion is a two-edged sword- reason and emotion -- plunge it deep.”- Prof. Lewis Sarett Sr.
“The art of listening is indispensable for the right use of the mind. It is also the most gracious, the most open and the most generous of human habits.”- Attributed to R. Barr, St. John's College, Annapolis, Md.
“In writing if it takes over 30 minutes to write the first two paragraphs select another subject.”- Raymond Aron
“In unanimity there may well be either cowardice or uncritical thinking.”-Unknown
“If you're coasting, you're going downhill.”- L.W. Pierson
“What's the difference between a good naval officer and a great one? Answer: About six seconds.”-Adm. Arleigh Burke
“First law of holes: If you get in one, stop digging.” -- Anonymous
“Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.”- James B. Conant
“When drinking the water, don't forget those who dug the well.”- Chinese proverb
“The harder I work, the luckier I am.”- Unknown
“If it doesn't go easy, force it.”-G.D. Rumsfeld's assessment of his son Don's operating principle at age 10
“But I am me.”- Nick Rumsfeld, age nine
“You learn in life there are few plateaus; you are either going up or down.”- Unknown
Perspective- Maurice Chevalier's response when asked how it felt to reach 80: “Pretty good, considering the alternative.”
“For every human problem there is a solution that is simple, neat and wrong.”- H.L. Mencken
Simply because a problem is shown to exist doesn't necessarily follow that there is a solution.
“If a problem has no solution, it may not be a problem, but a fact, not to be solved, but to be coped with over time.”-Shimon Peres
“If a problem cannot be solved, enlarge it.”- Dwight D. Eisenhower
“Most people spend their time on the 'urgent' rather than on the 'important.'”-Robert Hutchins
“If you think you have things under control, you're not going fast enough.”-Mario Andretti, racecar driver
“Victory is never final. Defeat is never fatal. It is courage that counts.”- Winston Churchill
“Intellectual capital is the least fungible kind.”-Unknown
“The better part of one's life consists of friendship.”- Abraham Lincoln
“When you're skiing, if you're not falling you're not trying.”- Donald Rumsfeld
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.”- F. Scott Fitzgerald
“It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once.”-David Hume
“History marches to the drum of a clear idea.”- W.H. Auden
“Demographics is destiny.”- John Scanlon
If you develop rules, never have more than 10.
Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
The email@example.com e-mail address is now something other than firstname.lastname@example.org saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used email@example.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that firstname.lastname@example.org was no longer email@example.com but rather firstname.lastname@example.org which is longer than email@example.com and more letters to type than firstname.lastname@example.org and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than email@example.com but actually just as functional as firstname.lastname@example.org? I sent e-mails from the email@example.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used firstname.lastname@example.org in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the email@example.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which firstname.lastname@example.org was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for email@example.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that firstname.lastname@example.org no longer is the email@example.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. firstname.lastname@example.org. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...
440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!
get kgb krap!