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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,450 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Friday, February 06, 2004
posted by KGB at 1:02 PM (permalink)

Why do you think they call them hosers?

Americans go crazy over a partially shielded, unremarkable breast. Canadians sing about huge penises, and the goverment says, in effect, "Take off, you -er- hosers"...

Canada cool with happy penis song
Fri Jan 16, 1:01 PM ET

OTTAWA (Reuters) - A song lauding the joys of an "enormous penis" is not obscene because the object of the lyric's affection isn't necessarily sexual, a Canadian regulator has ruled.

The Canadian Broadcast Standards Council was reacting to a complaint from a Calgary radio listener to a joke song that declared: "I've got the cure for all of my blues/I take a look at my enormous penis/And my troubles start a-meltin' away."

The listener's complaint that the song was obscene fell flat before the council's members, who said on Friday the item did not break its code of ethics.

"The discussion of penis size is not in and of itself sufficiently unequivocally a sexual matter that it can be said to be in breach of the code," the council said.

Calgary's CJAY-FM replied to the complaint by saying most of its core audience -- men from 18 to 49- enjoyed such items as "Enormous Penis" by Da Vinci's Notebook, which also features the line: "I gotta sing and I dance/When I glance in my pants."

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posted by KGB at 12:04 PM (permalink)

Game over, man

(from Deep Thoughts & Mindless Minutiae)

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posted by KGB at 11:38 AM (permalink)

Photo caption of the week

 
As the above still illustrates, The Perfect Score combines the visceral thrill of standardized-test-taking with the heady rush of staring at computer screens.
(from  The Onion)

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posted by KGB at 10:55 AM (permalink)

Why, yes, as a matter of fact....

You do look fat in that dress.

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posted by KGB at 10:27 AM (permalink)

Must... restrain... quip of death...

Tenn. Woman Files Suit over Super Bowl
(AP, 02/05/2004 2:45 PM)

Terri Carlin wants to make Janet Jackson 's bare breast into a federal case.

Carlin filed a proposed class action lawsuit in U.S. District Court Wednesday against Jackson, singer Justin Timberlake , broadcasters MTV and CBS and their parent company, Viacom.

So this is... tit for tort?

Click here for the inanity in full.

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posted by KGB at 8:35 AM (permalink)

Inexcusable

I can understand law enforcement officials holding self-congratulatory press conferences when they apprehend a criminal, but today's news conference/media circus dealing with kidnap/murder victim Carlie Brucia was an abomination.

All the cops and FBI agents at the televised press conference, conveniently timed to fall in the middle of the morning news shows, fell over each other naming their bosses and their team members, praising the hard work they did to find Carlie.

You didn't find the little girl, you self-aggrandizing sycophants. You found her corpse. Yeah, nice job. Now the casket at the funeral won't have to be empty.

All that's necessary in situations like this is to send out the chief of police to read a simple statement. You found her body, you extend your deepest condolences to the family, and you will work with prosecutors to make certain the murderer responsible is brought to justice. Period.

But then you wouldn't get your national television coverage and the chance to be a talking head on Fox and CNN, would you?

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Thursday, February 05, 2004
posted by KGB at 6:02 PM (permalink)

Say it ain't so, Captain Picard!

Egads. Patrick Stewart opposes manned space flight.

"I would like to see us get this place right first before we have the arrogance to put significantly flawed civilisations out onto other planets- even though they may be utterly uninhabited."

By the same token, Paramount should get their scripts right first before they put significantly flawed motion pictures into theaters.

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posted by KGB at 4:15 PM (permalink)

Say it ain't so, Rev!

Al Sharpton, the only bright spot in the otherwise Democratic white guy clone wars, is actually a Republican stooge?

Ah, geez. I haven't been this bummed out since Dennis Miller was lured to the Dark Side.

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posted by KGB at 4:06 PM (permalink)

Live fast, restrict your caloric intake, and leave a good looking corpse?

At least that's the claim.

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to."-Woody Allen

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Wednesday, February 04, 2004
posted by KGB at 8:48 AM (permalink)

Figurative and literal train wrecks

Wow. What a day.

Thanks to links from Glenn Reynolds' InstaPundit, Stephen Green's VodkaPundit and Dave Barry's Blog, we had about 30,000 hits yesterday on our " Janet is a Borg" entry. That's about 60 times our normal volume; I'm going to have to stick a couple nickels in the bandwidth jukebox to make it to the end of the month. When I noticed the traffic spiking, I also had to make some quick changes to the website configuration- optimizing images, reducing the amount of information in the log files- to avoid exhausting my bandwidth and disk quotas.

Not only were there 30,000 page hits, there were about 22,000 links to just the photos in the entry. There are some inconsiderate folks who put direct image links in their web pages and message board entries, which means I pay for the bandwidth to display my images on their pages. Hey, kids... that's just rude. I have things configured here so that links to files that aren't actual pages are refused. So if you've come back here to figure out why your link to Janet or Picard is just showing up as a big red X on your page, that's the reason. Just right click on the pic you want, save it to your local drive, then ftp it to your own host.

That's the figurative train wreck. The literal one took place last night during rush hour. I was on the Brown Line train immediately ahead of the one actually hit by the Purple Line train. But when they cut power, we were stuck just past the Chicago station.

Aside from sitting in a dim car for about an hour and a half, it wasn't that bad. The train didn't get too cold, and the majority of the passengers were in good spirits:

"There's a problem with the train."

"What is it?"

"It's a big metal box with wheels that runs on tracks, but that's not important. I think we're stuck."

I was kind of surprised there weren't more serious injuries. Under the best of circumstances, a CTA train is like a huge, mobile Shake N Bake bag. Chicago's the last major subway system to use DC power, which means the cars behave just like toy electric trains with cheap power packs. When you watch the positions people assume to avoid falling as the trains jerkily accelerate and decelerate, you get the feeling you're not observing commuters but poorly trained interpretive dancers.

Then there's CTAspeak. It's sort of like Airline English; less verbose, but containing no useful information. When a train stops, you hear a recording that says the train has stopped. For the first hour of last night's adventure, the engineer announced every fifteen minutes or so that we'd be moving "momentarily". Momentarily is is CTAspeak for "haven't got a clue."

A fellow passenger asked the engineer how one train could rear-end another, given their size, their slow speed, and the enormous number of signal lights along the line.

"She probably had a signal. You're supposed to stop, but it's kind of optional," he explained.

Kind of optional? You mean they're just there to add a festive railroad-y look to the surroundings?

When the power came back on, the operator apologized for the delay and said, "We'll get you where you're going as fast as we can.".

I yelled from my seat, "That's okay- take your time."

What the hell. I had already missed Anderson Cooper's show on CNN anyway.

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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
posted by KGB at 4:54 PM (permalink)

Might as well make lemonade...

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posted by KGB at 2:19 PM (permalink)

Let's not pick on Janet

Q: What's the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson?

A: One is white, made of plastic, and isn't safe for children to play with, while the other is used to carry groceries.

(Thanks to Bruce, (aka the Sanity Inspector) on alt.quotations.)

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posted by KGB at 1:13 PM (permalink)

Beulah, peel me a sablefish.

Who needs opposable thumbs?

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posted by KGB at 8:07 AM (permalink)

Flagellating a necrophilic hippophile...

A typesetting/closed captioning joke from Cartoon Network's Adult Swim:

(*)(  )

We would like to apologize for the preceding font malfunction.

We assure you it was unrehearsed, unplanned, and completely unintentional.

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posted by KGB at 1:10 AM (permalink)

Yep, this is pretty obvious...

Risky? You bet. And probably rather painful, considering where his brains are located.

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Monday, February 02, 2004
posted by KGB at 11:20 AM (permalink)

And speaking of aliens...

The difference between Star Trek's Borg and the Jackson family? One is a collective of grotesque, mindless automatons dedicated to the destruction of human civilization, while the other is a fictional alien race.-Kevin G. Barkes

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posted by KGB at 6:51 AM (permalink)

There are three boobs in this picture

No one at the bar saw this happen live; we were all eating pizza and pretty much ignoring the MTV-produced abomination that passed as the half-time show.

My question is: why is she wearing a Borg implant on her boob?

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...