Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on
vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.
-Jay Leno
They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know
what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to
live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you
used to have money.
-Jay Leno
President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating
should give America "a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of
urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the
congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.
-Jay Leno
Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do?
You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes
them all the money.
-Jay Leno
Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting
married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.
-Jay Leno
There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People
are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the
hard way, without a soccer game.
-Jay Leno
Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he
received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother
of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial "guy you
didn't know existed" vote.
-Conan O'Brien
A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more
Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live
without eight shows about cakes.
-Conan O'Brien
Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a
sister Mercede, who just posed for "Playboy" and said some very
unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she
dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go
into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President
she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a
little so he could get both nipples.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip
recession. That sounds delicious to me.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy
a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read
words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's
elected president, she won't read words.
-Jimmy Fallon
The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming
Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall
from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.
-Jimmy Fallon
Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting
to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.
-Stephen
Colbert
New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try
to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray
Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'
-Conan O'Brien
Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived
Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived
'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'
-Conan O'Brien
Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked.
They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.
-Conan
O'Brien
A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely
reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for
Type 2 diabetes.
-Conan O'Brien
'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's
about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First
they form political groups called Tea Parties.
-Jay Leno
Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots
are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.
-Jay Leno
A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida.
She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and
started swimming in the other direction.
-Jay Leno
Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if
the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances
Moosehead Palin.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost
woke up some of the people in the audience.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential
race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from
there.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much
damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused
him of doing the same thing.
-Jimmy Fallon
The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say
is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.
-Jimmy Fallon
S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles,
a "Trump."
-Daily Show tweet
S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse.
Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.
-Jay Leno
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign.
He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private
sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the
private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.
-Jay Leno
I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It
must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it.
-Jay Leno
Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw
poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of,
the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of
winning.
-Jay Leno
It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of
Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President
Obama's economic team.
-Jay Leno
The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only
one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?
-Jimmy Kimmel
We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them
Florida?
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still
a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high.
Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing
and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have
sex with it.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday
night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it,
'What happens if I get a flat tire?'
-Jimmy Fallon
About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a
new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from
'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'
-Jimmy Fallon
China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So
maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the
Smurf movie.
-Conan O'Brien
The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America.
My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan
can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.
-Conan O'Brien
Categories: Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart
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