I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that
this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head stuck in a jar of
Skippy peanut butter.
–Jon Stewart
----------
Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of
the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his
age.
-Conan O'Brien
This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said
it's working on a 'Plan B.' Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale.'
-Jimmy
Fallon
Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government
would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?
-Jay Leno
The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its
bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.
–Conan
O'Brien
Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default,
President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three
words: President Joe Biden.
–Jay Leno
Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked
in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as
the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem
like a lot to you.
-Jimmy Fallon
NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs
now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the
drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his
Big Mac.'
-Jimmy Fallon
Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again.
There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature
than President Obama and John Boehner.
-Jimmy Fallon
John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His
face turned from orange to mandarin orange.
-Jimmy Kimmel
They say that the United States might default on its loans and China
might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or
something.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by August 2, nothing will
happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?
-Jimmy Kimmel
The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its
bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.
-Conan
O'Brien
George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama
bin Laden next month on cable TV. It's expected to be the highest-rated
episode ever of 'Cake Boss.'
-Conan O'Brien
We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the 'feels like' is $20 trillion.
-David
Letterman
We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele
Bachmann's hair spray.
-David Letterman
Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm
toying with the idea of drinking again.
-David Letterman
The number one movie in the country is "Captain America." Analysts say
this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40's and has a
retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could
actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time.
-Jay
Leno
A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other
54 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'
-Jay Leno
According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own
party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared
him to Jimmy Carter.
-Jay Leno
Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the
United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We
lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy.
-Jay
Leno
Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A
few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself:
Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than
he usually pays for a prime minister.
-Craig Ferguson
I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this
country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people
holding your kind back.
-Jon Stewart
[Video overlay] Sean Hannity saying liberals are "so vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don't hear this coming from conservatives about liberals." Jon Stewart: "You don't? That is, if I may say, some of the most free-range, organically grown disingenuous, ideologically marinated, un-self-awareness I've ever seen in the wild."
Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news
people, not random people with an AOL account.
-Jon Stewart on
Twitter pundits
Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart
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