The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and
Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The
press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the
ones who get screwed?"
-Jay Leno
"Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other.
Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington."
-Jimmy
Kimmel
"John McCain and John Kerry naturally paired off as their other
colleagues grew tired of their yearly tradition of reciting their own
state of the union address under their breath."
-Jon Stewart
"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,'
a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick
February, the shortest month. ... You know what the perfect month would
be? November 2012."
-Jay Leno
"Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged
Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around."
-Conan
O'Brien
"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the
Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another
female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote."
-Jay Leno
"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and
Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than
the raw sexual tension."
-Conan O'Brien
"The theme of President Obama's State of the Union address was 'Win the
Future.' It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the
rerun of 'Top Chef.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it
was a pretty good speech for a foreigner."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother.
That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate."
-Jimmy
Kimmel
"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice
President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner
called it a real tearjerker."
-Jay Leno
"Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a
natural on camera. [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the
cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for
illegal immigrants the whole time."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You
listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of
the union, you take a drink. It helps."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his
speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves
all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan."
-Conan
O'Brien
"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and
opponents have declared a 'Day of Rage.' Or as it's known in the Middle
East, 'Tuesday.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for
mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won."
-Stephen
Colbert
"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel
can't run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he's
free to purchase the position."
-Conan O'Brien
"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and
according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at
least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan."
-Conan
O'Brien
Categories: Daily Show, Founding Fathers, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert
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