Richard Jeni (April 14, 1957 – March 10, 2007)
Choosing to have a child that you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure, you got it out, but now it's everyone else's problem.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.”
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.
In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.
It's a sad fact that fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
It's better to be alone than to wish you were alone.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
Never fry bacon when you're naked.
Religious war? Now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.
Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.
Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.
Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered when they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.
Success is like toilet paper. It only seems important if you don't have it.
Success is made up of courage, brains and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.
The way I look at life, we're all in the Hindenburg. No point fighting over the window seat.
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in “Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire” and the computer will ask, “Specify type of goat.”
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans weighs as much as the other two.
We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.
When one guy sees an invisible man, he's a nut case. Ten people see him, it's a cult. Ten million people see him it's a respected religion.
Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?
Categories: Quotes of the day, Richard Jeni
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