KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

And then the dreams break into a million tiny pieces. The dream dies. Which leaves you with a choice: you can settle for reality, or you can go off, like a fool, and dream another dream.

Any dish that tastes good with capers in it tastes even better with capers not in it.

Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.

Destiny is something we've invented because we can't stand the fact that everything that happens is accidental.

I always read the last page of a book so that if I die before I finish I'll know how it turned out.

I am continually fascinated at the difficulty intelligent people have in distinguishing what is controversial from what is merely offensive.

I don't think any day is worth living without thinking about what you're going to eat next at all times.

I look as young as a person can look given how old I am.

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind.

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.

My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have to potential to be the comic stories the next.

Polls show that 30 percent of Americans will believe anything.

Sometimes I believe that some people are better at love than others, and sometimes I believe that everyone is faking it.

The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.

The desire to get married is a basic and primal instinct in women. It's followed by another basic and primal instinct: the desire to be single again.

The main result of feminism has been the Dutch Treat.

There's a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don't look the way they used to, and it's not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It's because of hair dye. In the 1950's only 7 percent of American women dyed their hair; today there are parts of Manhattan and Los Angeles where there are no gray-haired women at all.

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
(From When Harry Met Sally)

When you're attracted to someone, it just means that your subconscious is attracted to their subconscious, subconsciously. So what we think of as fate is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match.

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

You always think that a bolt of lightning is going to strike and your parents will magically change into the people you wish they were, or back into the people they used to be.

You can't retrieve you life (unless you're on Wikipedia, in which case you can retrieve an inaccurate version of it).