KGB Report

Cute. And it's real. Wonder if The Covert Comic is involved.?

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You don't see faith healers working in hospitals for the same reason you don't see psychics winning the lottery.
-Unattributed

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Daughter-in-law Angela introduces granddaughter Joelle to the wonders of Kennywood Park.

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You are not your big toe.

Much the same way you may notice pressure on your big toe and your toe may feel uncomfortable, you may notice distressing or uncomfortable thoughts, but that does not mean that you are distressed.

It may seem like strange advice, but do not believe everything you think. Thoughts impact how you feel, and, in turn, feelings impact your behavior. But, ultimately thoughts cannot make you do anything and do not define who you are. The better you can become at being aware of your thoughts and simply labeling them ("I'm having the thought…), the better you can recognize them for what they are- just thoughts.
-Clayton Cook

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At this point if Obama rescues a puppy from a burning building the puppy will be accused of having rabies.
-Andy Borowitz

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For the life of me I cannot fathom why we expect so much from teachers and provide them so little in return. In 1940, the average pay of a male teacher was actually 3.6 percent more than what other college-educated men earned. Today it is 60 percent lower. Women teachers now earn 16 percent less than other college-educated women. This bewilders me. … There was no Plato without Socrates, and no John Coltrane without Miles Davis.
-Bill Moyer

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73 percent of those enrolled in the country’s major public benefits programs are, in fact, from working families- just in jobs whose paychecks don’t cover life’s basic necessities. McDonald’s workers alone receive $1.2 billion in federal assistance per year.
-www.thenation.com

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I always thought the brass section's errors in James Horner's main theme to Roger Corman's Battle Beyond the Stars were cost-related; studio musicians sight-reading, only enough time for two or three takes. Then I started listening to other versions, including the Prague Philharmonic's. (They're noted for their competent- if uninspired- covers of motion picture scores.) A train wreck. Actually, two train wrecks: a minor one at the beginning, and in the end title reprise, the brass section more or less gives up, unable to complete the unrelenting 8-bar, 192-note bridge to the main fanfare.

It turns out this was Horner's first motion picture score, and he apparently forgot that horn players actually need to breathe once in a while. Filmtracks.com said the piece "was simply too complex for the musicians to perform."

Horner borrowed a lot from this score in what many consider to best effort, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. He'd learned his lesson, though. He reassigned most of the lung-busting stuff to the string section, and let the French horns come up for air every two bars or so.

The other day I stumbled across a site selling the piano sheet music for the Battle Beyond the Stars main theme. The description notes, "there are a couple of measures which feature out of reach notes which have been left in the transcription as they better support the piece, and can be omitted or included at the performer’s discretion."

Below is a link to the theme- with the unreachable notes- produced on a midi synthesizer. It's probably the only way you'll ever be able to hear it, as written, with no performance errors. And note how much Horner reuses many of these phrases in his later work.

Battle Beyond the Stars main theme, performed on a midi piano synthesizer.

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June is National Accordion Awareness Month. National Carpenter Ant Awareness Week starts June 22. Some problems tend to solve themselves.
-Zay Smith, "QT"

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@LOLGOP:

If Republicans don't like how Democrats end their wars, they should stop leaving us so many losing wars.

Climate change and homsexuality are myths we can wish away but we should trust Wall Street to regulate itself.

You'll know the GOP gets they've lost on marriage equality when they start demanding mandatory ultrasounds before same-sex marriages.

I guess it's pretty easy to judge deserters when the closest you've come to combat is shooting wolves from a helicopter.
-@GuyEndoreKaiser

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And... the desktop is clean.
--KGB

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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From TL;DR Wikipedia:

A jacuzzi is a brand of whirlpool bathtub containing underwater jets designed to therapeutically massage the user with warm streams of bacteria.

Pandora is an internet radio website that allows users to listen to everything but the song they actually want to hear.

Greece is Europe's Detroit

Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (O.C.D) is getting really upset that there's no period after the D in the first part of this sentence.

Pennsylvania is the space between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

1040EZ is an IRS form that sums up how alone, childless, and poor you are in one easy document.

The Watergate Scandal was a major political scandal wherein President Richard Nixon had the audacity to wiretap fellow politicians instead of regular U.S. citizens.

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There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.
-Jodi Picoult

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If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you're probably wasting your time.
-The Covert Comic

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Why history is important:

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Note to self: When I'm writing with voice recognition software, DO NOT TALK TO THE CATS.
-@GretaChristina

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New Georgia state slogan: "We make Florida look safe!"
-Andy Borowitz

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There's a young rabbit in our back yard who has decided to nest in the stand of tall grass. But he also wanders around in the open. Before I can let the dogs out, I have to check that he's not visible; and if he is, I have to scare him into a secure location. The shelties don't pick up on his scent, but Pixie, the small dog-like creature (aka Shih Tzu) goes immediately to the tall grass and starts tracking. I have to watch her so I can call them back in just before she picks up the scent of his current hiding place.

I hope that dumb bunny develops some smarts, and soon. There are hawks and other raptors about, and one of these days they're going to spot him sunning himself.

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Why spelling is important:

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AOL email has been hacked, so if anyone from 1994 gets this tweet, change your password.
-@pourmecoffee

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Sometimes unconditional love goes both ways.
Nice boots, too.

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Conservatives don’t like safety nets because they allegedly make people lazy and careless. But what about safety nets for top executives who fail? Yahoo's recent decision to pay its chief operating officer $96 million for 15 months of work before firing him is just the latest example of handsome rewards for failure in corporate suites.

At least safety nets for the poor help those in need. Safety nets for corporate executives give them no reason to work hard because even when they fail they can vastly increase their wealth. One way to discourage these is to prevent corporations from deducting generous executive severance payments from their taxable incomes.
-Robert Reich

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It's an accepted fact that hot dogs contain insects and rodent hair, but Kraft is recalling 96,000 lbs. because they have cheese in them.
-@PaulaPoundstone

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Ironically, "Cliven Bundy" is what Jerry Lewis yells when he's startled by a black person.

At this point, we're all just waiting for Cliven Bundy to yell "Kansas City faggots!" and ride an A-bomb into the sun.
-@PattonOswalt

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Granddaughter Leanna is a straight A student, loves math, is a compulsive reader, studies martial arts and archery. I think she's going to be a superhero when she grows up.

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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Upon reflection, is was kind of obvious Lex Luthor was in the bunny suit.

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This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny.
–Conan O'Brien

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You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
-@BillMurray

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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
-@ChevyChase

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Note to self: Telling your Facebook friends that their auras are actually invisible because they don't exist makes them not like you.
-@hemantmehta

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An example of Facebook's state-of-the-art subject matching software.

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50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour...And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?
–Bill Maher

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I can never tell if CNN is engaging in self parody or if they're just dumb.

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Last month, over 200,000 jobs were created in the United States. And that doesn't count this one.
–David Letterman

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People should announce they'll be a grandma the old-fashioned way-- by leaking that their teen daughter is pregnant the night before the RNC.
-LOLGOP

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Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
-@ScottWesterfield

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70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
-@BillMurray

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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McDonalds closes in Crimea. Actually, this is serious. The United States has never gone to war with a country that had an operating McDonalds.

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You can't legally own a hedgehog in Pennsylvania.

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REMINDER: Though the Supreme Court says there is no difference, your servers prefer you tip in actual money rather than "speech."
-@LOLGOP

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Saturday Night Live's parody of Fox and Friends included "a list of corrections from our first hour":
-Captain America was never a U.S. President.
-Lifesavers aren't medicine.
-The periodic table is not about "lady stuff."
-You can not abbreviate the Supreme Court to spell SCROTUM.
-Hong Kong is a region in China. Not a video game from Nintendo.
-Malaysia is not the female version of Asia.
-Chicklets do not grow up to be roosters.
-Chris Christie was never in the show "Three's Company."
-Infinity pools have a limited amount of water.
-Garfunkel is not Garfield's black cousin. -The Chile Earthquake is not a bold new product from Dairy Queen.
-Captain Phillips is not a brand of rum.
-Marvin Gaye liked women.
-Nancy Pelosi is a human woman.
-God loves figs.
-Noah is not "found footage."

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All the great buzz about Captain America has convinced me that I need to drop everything and watch it on cable next year.
-@FrankConniff

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In the spring of 1967, 47(!) years ago, Patricia Pugh, John Krause and I represented Homestead Junior High School in the KDKA/Pittsburgh Press spelling bee.

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I have to believe the Supreme Court is working for tips now.
-@ElayneBoosler

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Pixie is an 11 month old Shih Tzu, which supposedly is Mandarin Chinese for "lion," but should be "strange, small, dog-like creature." Sassafras (a corruption of the Latin saxifrage, or "rock-breaker") is a ten year old Shetland Sheepdog. In human years, they're roughly 16 and 60 years old.
"But Dad says we're from the same litter."
"In your dreams, kid."

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There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

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Pittsburgh radio legend Clarke Ingram noted the above happened 50 years ago this month, and hasn't been duplicated by any other artist or group.

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So, Letterman's retiring. Wonder if Leno is available?

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Wonderful YouTube video featuring SPCA of Wake County and Queen.

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Headline of the week:
"Willie Nelson’s armadillo returned
after being kidnapped in Las Vegas"

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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Can you imagine if CNN was on the air when Titanic sank?
-@AlbertBrooks

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Can't print what I'm trying to print, but I accidentally printed 4 pages that say, 'Congratulations! You've successfully setup your printer.'
-@PaulaPoundstone

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While you're mocking the people who thought "Noah" was a documentary you fail to realize "Idiocracy" really was one.
-@JohnFugelsang

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Anyone ever been to a corporate baptism?
-@lizzwinstead

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Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.
-The Covert Comic

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Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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That's right, Putin doesn't have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it.
–Jimmy Fallon

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If you're a Douglas Adams fan, you must watch this.

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Ignore the snow. Spring has officially arrived in South Park, Pennsylvania.

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Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They're calling it a 'conscious uncoupling.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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She ran out of toner.

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Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the 'Bling Bishop' after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a 'conscious unbishopping.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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One of President Obama's secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it's spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea.
–Conan O'Brien

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Canine/Feline Furry Infinity

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The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.
–Conan O'Brien

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After playing clips of MSNBC's Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow stating they would not run purely speculative stories about the lost Malaysian jetliner, unlike CNN and Fox, Jon Stewart commented:

"You know, Sherman and Mister Peabody are right..."

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In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.
–Conan O'Brien

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In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile.
–Conan O'Brien

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Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It's expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say 'Yes, I am 18.'
–Seth Meyers

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It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia.
–David Letterman

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Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys.
–David Letterman

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President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman.
–David Letterman

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First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken.
–David Letterman

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A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama's visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel's hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they're just hung over.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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Toronto held the first mayoral debate of 2014 tonight. Rob Ford faced four challengers. When Rob Ford ran for mayor in 2010, his slogan was 'Stop the gravy train.' Then he realized he loves gravy. And you need a train to get it there.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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This is the difference between our countries. None of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. They let Mayor Ford say over and over again that he's the only candidate with a proven track record. He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany, Political Jokes of the Week

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The name doesn't help, either. Marcellus Shale sounds like a villain in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

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"Y'know, someone should bury Caesar." -Doug Elrod

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The Google timer has returned.

Go to google.com and type:

set timer X time period
(seconds, minutes, or hours):

set timer 1 hour 2 minutes 3 seconds

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According to the Department of Agriculture, one in six men eat pizza every day. The other five eat yesterday's pizza.
-Stephen Colbert

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26% of Americans think the sun revolves around the earth.

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"It is becoming increasingly clear to judges that if they rule against same-sex marriage their grandchildren will regard them as bigots."
-Andrew M. Koppelman
A law professor at Northwestern, on why courts are backing away from bans on gay marriage.

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Carl Jung invented the word "lethologica" to describe the state of not being able to remember the word you want to use. Is not being able to remember the word lethologica an example of recursion?

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I can communicate through a series of short & long groans & sighs. It's called 'morose code'.
-Robb Allen, @ItsRobbAllen (h/t David Kifer, alt.quotations)

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Somewhat alarmed to discover some teens don't recognize "Uncle Sam," I checked with my daughter about my soon to be 11 year old granddaughter's status:

KGB: Does Lea know who Uncle Sam is?

Sara: Oh, I think she would.

KGB: Ask her when convenient.

Sara: She said yes, it's the guy pointing and saying "I want you."

KGB: Excellent. Our nation is in good hands.

Sara: She said "Yes. Yes, it is."

Can't argue with that...>

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"I give them a year."
-Ray Bloch, musical director for "The Ed Sullivan Show," on the Beatles, when they made their first live appearance on American television 50 years ago.

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"Ah, hell. Let's call Froot Loops what they really are: Gay Cheerios."
-Bill Maher

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Those who feel that humans are essentially good and altruistic have never read the comment sections on YouTube.

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I actually used to date a girl named Christie Benghazi, so it's funny for me now when I flip between those two channels.
-John Fugelsang

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The Star Trek Facepalm collection, although I don't think Spock actually qualifies.

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“If we came from monkeys then why are there still monkeys?”

Let me ask you this: If you came from parents, why are there still parents?

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"Fortunes have been lost underestimating Jay Leno."
-Lorne Michaels

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Harrison Ford, Jay Leno, KGB Family, KGB Opinion, Linked In, Michael Collins, Miscellany, NASA, Star Trek, YouTube

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THREE DOG NIGHT- Although, with Pixie the Shih Tzu puppy, it's probably more accurate to call it a "Two Dog and One Small Dog-Like Creature Night."

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The President said we must stay vigilant against foreign threats...yet Justin Bieber remains a free man.
-Bill Maher

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Damn. I just wrote year of the snake on a check.

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St. Peter can tell which new arrivals are from Pittsburgh because when they go toward the light at the end of the tunnel they slow down.

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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot."

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Daughter-in-law Angela with my granddaughter Joelle.

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Maybe if we all e-mail the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

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Categories: Bill Maher, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, KGB Family, Miscellany, NSA, Pittsburgh, U.S. Constitution

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Granddaughters Joelle and Lea. Joelle appears to be thinking, "I don't mind the sleepover business, but she's touching my bear."

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Rep. Steve Pearce (R-NM) on marriage between a man and a woman:

'The wife is to voluntarily submit, just as the husband is to lovingly lead and sacrifice. The husband’s part is to show up during the times of deep stress, take the leadership role and be accountable for the outcome, blaming no one else.'

To be fair, it sounds better in the original Klingon.

-Zay N. Smith

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I'm a non-violent kind of guy, but I sincerely believe anyone who uses the word 'whilst' should be soundly thrashed.

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"Secret formulas" abound on social media for wondrous cleaning solutions you can make in your home.

Don't waste your time.

Homemade whatevers - rug cleaner, spot remover, detergent - all contain just one real, active ingredient: dishwashing liquid. That's it. Period. Be especially wary of the ones which include both vinegar and baking soda. When mixed, the acetic acid in the vinegar and the baking soda react to form carbonic acid and sodium acetate. Carbonic acid sounds impressive, but all it really is carbonated water. And when it stops fizzing, it's because all the carbon dioxide has escaped from the mixture. Take the carbon dioxide out of carbonic acid, and you have... water. So you're left with just water and sodium acetate. Sodium acetate is a nifty chemical, with lots of uses- but cleaning ain't one of them. Just just save yourself the trouble and just use the soap and water.

(Courtesy of the late George Kraynick, my sophomore chemistry teacher.)

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Ok, maybe it is a real dog and pony show...

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I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm right.
-Bill Murray

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Funeral home directors: when the only phrase in a death notice that appears in initial caps and within quotation marks is "Dear Wife", you're sending a mixed message...

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"It was the first kiss between an African-American woman and a white Canadian in a toupee."
-Craig Ferguson (describing Nichelle Nichols and William Shatner in the original Star Trek tv series.)

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"Kraft has recalled over 1.7 million pounds of Velveeta products for mis-labeled ingredients. They accidentally called it 'cheese'."
-Stephen Colbert

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Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.
-Bill Murray

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Am I supposed to feel safer because corporations, not terrorists, are blowing up fertilizer plants, drowning towns in oil, and poisoning the water?
-@TheDailyEdge

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It's a girl my Lord
In a flatbed Ford
Slowing down to do
Some misandry
(from Twitter)

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Agnostic apathetic isolationist.
I don't know. I don't care. Go away.

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I'm no scientist, but legalizing marijuana in your state seems to cause immediate football superiority.
-@j_mccarter

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Granddaughter Joelle takes the term "menu sampler" literally.
(With her mom, Angela, and senior granddaughter Leanna.)

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Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.
-The Covert Comic

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Categories: Animals, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, KGB Family, Miscellany

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Conversation at the store:

"You should really stock more cat litter this time of year."

"You mean for people to keep in their cars for traction?"

"Yeah, and the cats drink more when they're depressed."

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How to tell if your cat is fully charged.

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(via PostSecret.)
Dr. Phil, or the viewer?
Either way works.

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I intend to keep my New Year resolutions for 2014. The first? Switch to the Gregorian calendar. Which gives me an extra ten days...

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"Grudge Match" stars three Oscar winners and a two-time Oscar nominee in a tale of two old men who beat the hell out of each other to settle a 30-year dispute. You already know if you want to see it.
-Odie Henderson

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Unbeknownst to most theologians, there was a
fourth wiseman, who was turned away
for bringing a fruitcake.

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I am tired of headlines and tv news teases telling me how I'm going to react to a story. That's not your job. I've been around a long time. Odds are I will believe what happened, and I won't be moved to tears, especially since you've given me advance warning. And you're right, I never guess what the story is. I just turn off the television or leave Facebook and read the real news.

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better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) { be good; }

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I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

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No one knows how to use apostrophes, but everyone knows how to spell "Roethlisberger."

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It's easy to blame others for your mistakes. Seriously. Try it.

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From someecards, "when you care enough to hit send."

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany, Snrk, someecards

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Pumpkin and Chloe share a bed.
In related news, Hell has frozen over.

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I don't think granddaughter Joelle is buying
the whole dancing sugarplums visions thing.

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Categories: Cats, Cleaning off the desktop, Congress, KGB Family, Miscellany

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It's surprising what pops up on Google...

It's U.S. Patent #7,249,057 B2, issued July 24, 2007: "Product Information Supplying Method, Product Information Acquiring Method, Product Information Registering Method And Recording Medium," and the description is equally enlightening:

"There is provided a product information supply method for supplying a user who desires to purchase a product with proper information about a related product that could be bought in combination with the product, so that the user is assisted in purchasing products. Registration of combination information to be supplied to the user is made with a database managed by a service provider server by a person who has bought the above product by means of a registration page so that a lot of combination information is accumulated in the database. The registered information includes not only information specifying a combinable product but also information about the effects of the combination and the ways of using products in combination. The database is searched in response to inquiry information from the user who makes reference to a page of products. Thus, corresponding combination information is extracted from the database and is sent to the user."

I'm no expert in intellectual property law, but- this is something patentable? A database of related products, with the added twist of returning information on "effects of the combination and the ways of using products in combination." You mean like peanut butter and jelly? Gin and tonic? Water and Alka-Seltzer tablets?

Even more puzzling is the reference to one of my old DEC Professional DCL Dialogue columns. It deals with referrals and recommendations for computer hardware and software, but its relevance to this patent eludes me. You can read the column here.

Other stuff that passed across the desktop this week:

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Computers, Holidays, Miscellany, Star Trek, Technology, WTF?

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While the "War on Christmas" people are irritating, the no-tolerance, politically-correct clan are equally vexatious. I wrote this six years ago, and send it to people of the latter persuasion who irritate me:

I offer, without obligation -either explicit or implicit- my forthright felicitations and sincere wishes that the coming weeks, which may- dependent upon your unique and personal ideological perspective, encompass a series of deistically oriented and/or telluric events with which you may, or may not, at your sole and unilateral discretion, associate either substantial or inconsequential significance, transpire in a manner through which you achieve or transcend your expectations, should you possess them.

You weasels.

(KGB's Weasel Words All-Purpose December Holiday Card)

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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Son Douglas and granddaughter Joelle enjoy a quiet Sunday morning.

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WASHINGTON — The Federal Communications Commission on Thursday released its first smartphone app, a free program that allows consumers to measure the broadband speed they are getting on their mobile devices and to determine whether it is as fast as wireless companies say.
 
Gee, wonder what else it can do?

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A group of eleventh graders from Homestead High School, Homestead, PA, in the fall of 1969. Believe it or not, I'm one of them.

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This past Friday, November 15, marked the start of my 23rd year of residence here at Dr. Barkes' 3-D House of Shedding Fur and Domestic Bliss, which has, since those halcyon days of the early 90s, sheltered scores of fish, eleven dogs, four cats, and three pairs of children, grandchildren, and spouses. And that's just the interior.

Positioned as we are next a wooded area bordering a 3,000 acre county park, there's an endless parade of indigenous fauna. They effortlessly ignore the fence surrounding the back yard as they go about their daily routines. Some actively reside within its confines. I see deer almost daily, and groundhogs, rabbits, chipmunks, squirrels, and skunks from April through November.

Surprisingly, I had never encountered a raccoon until last week. It did not end well.

The dogs were frantically barking at the far end of the yard. They had the poor little fella surrounded.

When you see a raccoon during the day, there's something amiss. This guy was, fortunately, sitting quietly and not responding to the two adult shelties and one shih tzu puppy surrounding him. I got the dogs back into the house and quickly checked them out. They had no bite marks or scratches, which was a relief. While they all are current on their rabies vaccinations, they would still have had to be quarantined if they had been bitten. Relieved, I called the township and within ten minutes a personable South Park police officer arrived.

"This doesn't look good," the officer said as we approached the animal. "A healthy raccoon would run away from us." He picked up a fallen branch and gently poked the raccoon in the side. No reaction. The officer sighed, took out his can of pepper spray, and delivered a short blast. The raccoon slowly turned his back to us, but otherwise didn't move.

"Do you have a couple plastic garbage bags and a shovel?" he asked. I nodded. "Please get them."

I walked back up the yard. Halfway to the house, I heard the discharge. I returned and the officer bagged the small, inert form. It was clean shot at point blank range. The little guy hadn't felt a thing.

It was a series of firsts: first raccoon, first police officer in the back yard, first firearm on the property. The first, and, I sincerely hope, the last.

Vaya con Dios, pequeño mapache.

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Categories: Animals, Cleaning off the desktop, Dogs, Miscellany

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There must have been a disturbance in the force.

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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Notice what isn't on this box of ice cream sandwiches? The words "ice cream." And Drumsticks are not ice cream cones- just "cones."

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I thought he seemed familiar...

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From The New Yorker

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Categories: Cartoons, Miscellany

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With no support in the Senate and the guarantee of a presidential veto, House Republicans and Tea Partiers vote to approve spending only if the Affordable Care Act is delayed for one year and a tax on the manufacture of medical devices is killed, effectively insuring the shutdown of most of the Federal government.

Ironically, the Affordable Care Act insurance exchanges are not affected, and will open on Tuesday.

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Categories: Miscellany

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End of the week desktop cleanup...

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The iPhone’s fingerprint lock also works with toes and nipples

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Categories: Miscellany

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I clean off my computer desktop. Into your eyes.

Apparently this drug gives you a stuporous, frozen expression and the ability to see pharmaceutical company mascots.

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Categories: Miscellany, WTF?

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Rehab is a failure if you come out of it and you're still a politician.
-Andy Borowitz

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
-George Carlin

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First, we cannot enhance our own security if we place in jeopardy what is most precious to us, namely, the centrality of human rights in our daily lives and in global affairs. Second, we cannot maintain our historic self-confidence as a people if we generate public panic. Third, we cannot do our duty as citizens and patriots if we pursue an agenda that polarizes and divides our country. Next, we cannot be true to ourselves if we mistreat others. And finally, in the world at large, we cannot lead if our leaders mislead.
-Jimmy Carter

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Civil Rights, George Carlin, Jimmy Carter, Miscellany, Observations, Politics, Scouting

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Categories: Miscellany, Observations

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Random stuff from surfing the net this morning...

If you buy your July 4 supplies at Walmart you can celebrate our independence from Britain and our dependence on China at the same time.
-Andy Borowitz

An interesting take on the Paula Deen business.

Egyptian pyramids were not built by slaves.

Border collie over the edge.

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Categories: Miscellany

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The Internets were busy today...

Monica Lewinsky Negligee Up For Auction To Bidders Nostalgic For A Time When Oral Sex Was Our Country's Biggest Problem

Impatient Nation Demands Supreme Court Just Get To The Gay Stuff

In oral arguments re: gay marriage, Scalia made a big deal out of the silliness of saying something became unconstitutional over time. Apparently this view does not extend to the Voting Rights Act.
-@jtlevy

You don't have to rebrand if you get to decide who votes.
-@KagroX

I'm just a white guy in a robe asking you to understand that racism as it existed in 1965 is basically over.
-@LOLGOP

from Ruther Bader Ginsburg's dissent on the Voting Rights Act:

Demand for a record of violations equivalent to the one earlier made would expose Congress to a Catch-22. If the statute was working, there would be less evidence of discrimination, so opponents might argue that Congress should not be allowed to renew the statute. In contrast, if the statute was not working, there would be plenty of evidence of discrimination, but scant reason to renew a failed regulatory regime.

Just as buildings in California have a greater need to be earthquake­ proofed, places where there is greater racial polarization in voting have a greater need for prophylactic measures to prevent purposeful race discrimination.

The full dissent is here.

Conservatives: We can't use voting data from 1965 but let's stick to a definition of marriage from 1620.
-@LOLGOP

I'm old enough to remember with Republicans thought judicial overreach was a bad thing.
-Ana Marie Cox

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Categories: Miscellany

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Categories: Dogs, Miscellany, Observations

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I'm sick of hearing about the Mayans, so here's an oldie but goodie:

This information comes from the original (pre-Motif) DECwindows help file which accompanied VMS version 5.3. It was written by Marios Cleovoulou and is copyright © 1988, 1989 by Digital Equipment Corporation.

As decreed by Pope Gregory XIII, October 4, 1582, was followed by October 15, 1582. Thus ended the 1,600 year reign of the Julian calendar upon which the Gregorian calendar is based, and thus began the calendar which DECwindows Calendar uses to measure time.

Calendars based on sun and moon movement were used even by the ancients, but the first reasonably accurate one was the 365 1/4- day cycle calculated by the Greek Sosigenes. This was the calendar authorized by Julius Caesar in 46 BC. The Julian calendar (not to be confused with the Julian period; see below) had three years of 365 days each, followed by a fourth year of 366 days.

The 365 1/4-day cycle was more accurately defined in 730 AD by the Venerable Bede, an Anglo-Saxon monk, who shortened the time by 11 minutes, 14 seconds. This accumulates to a whole day's error every 128 years, or a little more than three days every 400 years. This being the Dark Ages, nothing was done to adjust the Calendar, despite Roger Bacon sending a note to Pope Clement IV, informing him of the drifting of the date for the vernal equinox. Later, Pope Sixtus IV did become convinced that another reform was needed and called the German astronomer Regiomontanus to Rome to advise him. Unfortunately, Regiomontanus died of the plague shortly thereafter and the plans died with him.

Thursday, October 4, 1582 was the next time the calendar was adjusted. This last day of the Julian calendar was followed by Friday, October 15. So began the Gregorian calendar that we use today, named after Pope Gregory XIII. He commissioned the mathematician Father Christopher Clavius, S.J., to do the necessary calculations, having been authorized to reform the calendar by the Council of Trent in 1545.

The Vatican librarian Aloysius Giglio provided a formula for long- range accuracy. He suggested that every fourth year be a leap year, except for century years that are not divisible by 400. Thus 1700, 1800, and 1900 would not be leap years, but 2000 would be, because 2000 is divisible by 400. This rule eliminated three leap years every four centuries, making the calendar sufficiently correct for most ordinary purposes.

Political Acceptance in Europe

Italy, Portugal, and Luxembourg immediately adopted the new calendar. By 1584, Belgium, parts of the Netherlands, Switzerland, and most Catholic German states had joined, and by 1587, so had Hungary. It was not until 1699-1700 that these countries were joined by the rest of the Netherlands, Denmark, and the Protestant German countries.

By the time the British imposed the calendar on all its possessions, in 1752, 11 days needed to be lost. September 2, 1752, was thus decreed to be followed by September 14. In addition, New Year's day was moved back from March 25 to January 1. (For example, before, March 24, 1700 had been followed by March 25, 1701). Among other repercussions, this moved Washington's birth date from February 11, 1731, to February 22, 1732. The following year, 1753, Sweden too adopted the calendar.

In 1793, the French Revolutionary government adopted a calendar of 12 onths of 30 days each, with five extra days in September (six on leap years). The Gregorian calendar was reinstated in 1806 by Napoleon.

Political Acceptance World Wide

Adoption of the calendar in countries outside Europe and its Crown possessions occurred much later, and often in conjunction with political upheaval: Japan in 1873, Egypt in 1875, China in 1912, and Turkey in 1917.

In 1918, Russia's revolutionary government decreed that January 31, 1918, would be followed by February 14, 1918.

Religious Acceptance Worldwide

German Protestants used the old calendar until 1776, three quarters of a century after their countries had adopted the Gregorian system.

Sweden retained the old Easter rules for 90 years after switching to the Gregorian calendar, and many Middle Eastern Christian sects still retain the Julian calendar.

The Russian Orthodox Church still follows the Julian system.

The Julian Period

Astronomers use the Julian period because it is convenient to express long time intervals in days rather than months, weeks and years. It was devised by Joseph Scaliger, in 1582, who named it after his father Julius, thus creating the confusion between the Julian (Caesar) calendar and the Julian (Scaliger) period.

Julian Day 1 began at 12:00 noon, January 1, 4713 BC. This date was thought by some to correspond approximately to the beginning of the universe. Certainly it predated any known astronomical events known in the 16th century without resorting to negative times. Scaliger decided on the actual date on the grounds that it was the most recent coincidence of three major chronological cycles:

- The 28-year solar cycle, after which dates in the Julian calendar (for example September 27) return to the same days of the week (for example Tuesday).

- The 19-year lunar cycle, after which phases of the moon return to the same dates of the year.

- The 15-year indiction cycle, used in ancient Rome for tax regulation.

It takes 7980 years to complete the cycle. Noon of January 1, 1988, marks the beginning of Julian Day 2447161.

The Julian period is also of interest because of its use as a time base by the VMS operating system.

VMS and the Julian Period or:
Why VMS regards November 17, 1858,
as the beginning of time...

The modified Julian date adopted by SAO (Smithsonian Astrophysical Observatory) for satellite tracking is Julian Day 2400000, which turns out to be November 17, 1858.

SAO started tracking satellites with an 8K (nonvirtual) 36-bit IBM 704 in 1957, when Sputnik went into orbit. The Julian day was 2435839 on January 1, 1957. This is 11225377 octal, which was too big to fit into an 18-bit field. With only 8K of memory, the 14 bits left over by keeping the Julian date in its own 36-bit word would have been wasted. They also needed the fraction of the current day (for which 18 bits gave enough accuracy), so it was decided to keep the number of days in the left 18 bits and the fraction of a day in the right 18 bits of one word.

Eighteen bits allows the truncated Julian day (the SAO day) to grow as large as 262143, which from November 17, 1858, allowed for seven centuries. Possibly, the date could only grow as large as 131071 (using 17 bits), but this still covers three centuries and leaves the possibility of representing negative time. The 1858 date preceded the oldest star catalogue in use at SAO, which also avoided having to use negative time in any of the satellite tracking calculations.

Ultrix (Unix) Time Origins

The beginning of time for Ultrix systems is:

Thursday January 1 00:00:00 1970

The reason for this date being chosen is that this was the year that UNIX, the "father" of Ultrix, was firstreleased.

Thus dates prior to 1970 are BU; 1970 and later dates are AU.

History and DECwindows Calendar

If you read the topics concerning the political and religious acceptance of the Gregorian calendar, you will see that there is a problem: there are many dates for the conversion from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar. For example, the British (and therefore the Americans) converted in September 1752, so British and American Calendar users might expect Calendar to show September 2, 1752, to be followed by September 14, 1752. However, a Russian user would expect to see this jump between January 31, 1918, and February 14, 1918.

DECwindows Calendar conforms to the date of the original decree, therefore no days have been lost since Friday, October 15, 1582, nor since the beginning of DECwindows Calendar time: January 1, 1600. Thus for everyone except for users from the majority of the Catholic European countries, which all converted before this date, there will appear to be an "error" in Calendar, where the conversion actually took place. This generalization was felt to be acceptable for an application not specifically designed for historians.

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Categories: 12/12/12 12:12:12, Computers, Miscellany

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Click here, and kiss the rest of your morning goodbye.

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Categories: Miscellany, WTF?

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Categories: Miscellany

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Photos encountered during the past week:

That's quite a choice.

Granddaughter Lea has yer crescent rolls right here, pally.

Spock was not impressed long before it was cool to be not impressed.

Why yes. Yes, it does.

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Categories: Miscellany, Photo of the day

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Back in the days when KGB Consulting still existed, the phone calls would start around this time of year... people wanting a KGB Consulting pop-up tetradecagon calendar. (If the business had had as many customers as persons requesting calendars -sigh- but I digress.)

No, I'm not bringing them back; but now you can roll your own. Just go here and follow the instructions.

The site refers to the calendar shape as a "pentagon dodecahedron", but Stan Kelly-Bootle agrees with my nomenclature, since it's a 14-sided polygon, albeit three-dimensional.

Think of it as physical therapy. If you print it out on card stock and paste a rubber band inside, you can pretty closely emulate the pop-up quality of the originals.

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Categories: KGB, Miscellany

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I derive pleasure from the suffering of people who don't know what schadenfreude means.
-John Fugelsang

Hamas could confuse the sh*t out of Fox News viewers by changing its name to "Christmas."
-@LOLGOP

The new normal is always worse than the old normal.
-@BechwoodReport

You'd think the secessionists could at least wait until the Lincoln movie is out of the theaters.
-Paula Poundstone

News Headline: "NY district attorney admits he acted in 1970s porn films.
And then he fell in with a bad crowd and went into politics.
-Zay N. Smith, QT (The Beachwood Reporter)

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Categories: John Fugelsang, Miscellany, Observations, Paula Poundstone, Zay N. Smith - Quick Takes

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I think America might just have spent all day obsessing over loss of Twinkies. This is why we're not getting a greatest generation book.
-@pourmecoffee

What if the Mayan calendar ends in 5105, and we've just been holding it upside down?
-Aaron Karo

Hostess will sell the rights to all their snack cakes, and Twinkies will once again pour off the production line of a different company. I wouldn't be surprised if several years' worth of Twinkies aren't already stockpiled in a warehouse somewhere. I mean, It's not like they're going to go stale or anything...

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
-Justin Shanes

Viagra can cause sight loss. So, you can go blind either way.

(YouTube video: The Big Bang Theory Flash Mob!)

James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?
–David Letterman

No hurry- take all the time you have.
-The Covert Comic

Isn't the Twinkie too big to fail? Where's the bailout, Obama?
-The Beachwood Reporter

If you were born in or after April 1985, you have never experienced a colder than average month. If you've lived in Pittsburgh during that period, you've experienced the highest and lowest temperatures on record as well as the greatest 24-hour rain and snowfall totals. So if grandma or grandpa start to tell you how bad the weather was when they were growing up, tell them to stick a sock in it.

It's also interesting to note that in April 1985 Coca-Cola changed its formula and released New Coke.

Post hoc, ergo propter hoc?

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Categories: Aaron Karo, Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, Climate change, Coca Cola, Covert Comic, David Letterman, Drugs, James Bond, Mayans, Miscellany, Observations, The Beachwood Reporter, The Big Bang Theory, Twinkies, Video, YouTube

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