(Today is also the birthday of H.L. Mencken. Visit his page here.}
Louis Szekely (b. September 12, 1967), known professionally as Louis C.K., is a Mexican-American Emmy and Grammy Award-winning stand-up comedian, television and film writer, producer, director, and actor. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)
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America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.
Being single... after ten years of marriage and two kids is difficult. That’s like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore.
Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh.'
Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.
Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.
How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!
Human kindness has no reward. You should give to others in every way you see. You should expect absolutely nothing from anyone. It should be your goal to love every human you encounter. All human suffering that you're aware of and continues without your effort to stop it becomes your crime.
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.
I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.
I don’t think you should ever say anything that you’re going to have to apologize for later. If the heat gets hot, just let them get mad.
I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of 'em. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part.
I killed my Facebook page years ago because time clicking around is just dead time. Your brain isn't resting and it isn't doing. I think people have to get their heads around this thing. All this unmitigated input is hurting folks.
I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
'I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say 'I’m bored.'
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.
If you do something and people think you’re stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
If you’re older, you’re smarter. I just believe that. If you’re in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to 'em. Even if they’re wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.
It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
Life is full of horrible mistakes.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go sometime in December.
Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.
People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.
Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I'm very suspicious. It doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue.
Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.
That’s what being a parent is like. It’s like Platoon.
The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.
We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.
Well, my wife assassinated my sexual identity, and my children are eating my dreams. We don't bother you with that. We just say 'Great.'
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
When I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.
When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.
Women try to compete. They're like, 'Well I'm a pervert. You don't know. I have really sick sexual thoughts.' I'm like, 'No, you have no idea. You have no idea. 'Cause you see, you get to have those thoughts. I have to have those thoughts. You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there. You're Jane Fonda on a tank. I'm John McCain in the hut.
Categories: Louis C.K., Quotes of the day
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