(Samuel L. Jackson describes the joy of the Marvel Playground.)
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"Going to an American hospital, for a veteran, shouldn't require more courage than storming the beach at Normandy."
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(The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: "Nooney Tunes")
If you've been irritated for years by Peggy Noonan's self-serving, pompous blatherings, boy, do I have something for you.
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Congress: the legislative stone in America's urethra.
-Jon Stewart
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The Daily Show with Jon Stewart hits another one out of the park.
Categories: Barack Obama, Daily Show, Founding Fathers, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Second Amendment
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America tries to recover from two major disasters- Hurricane Sandy and the Republican majority in the House of Representatives.
("The Daily Show" video.)
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Before everyone gets their knickers in a twist over Al Jazeera buying Al Gore's Current TV, let's take a deep breath and recall this informative little August, 2010 clip from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:
Categories: Al Gore, Al Jazeera, Alwaleed bin Talal, Current TV, Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart
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Quotes of the day- Jon Stewart:
Jon Stewart (born Jonathan
Stuart Leibowitz; November 28, 1962) is an American political satirist,
writer, television host, actor, media critic and stand-up comedian. He
is widely known as host of The Daily Show, a satirical news
program that airs on Comedy Central. (Click
for full article.)
Arizona is the meth lab of democracy.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Divorce isn't caused because 50 percent of marriages end in gayness.
Even the Stock-Pickin' Chicken is right some of the time.
Every country has at least one museum that says “Here's why we chased you out.”
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on.
I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are assholes.
I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, “that's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?” But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say “bad monkey.”
I view America like this: 70 to 80 percent [are] pretty reasonable people that truthfully, if they sat down, even on contentious issues, would get along. And the other 20 percent of the country run it.
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.
If they have success, they built it. If they failed, the government ruined it for them. If they get a break, they deserve it. If you get a break, it's a handout and an entitlement. It's a baffling, willfully blind cognitive dissonance.
If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values- they're hobbies.
If you have too many white people at a rally, then your cause is racist. And if you have too many people of color at a rally, you must be asking for something.
It does not matter what we say or do; it matters only what is reported about what we say or do.
It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya.
It feels like all the people who want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.
No one's going to march in the streets carrying a sign that says “Be Reasonable!”
Religion is kinda like nuclear power: you split the atom this way, you get electricity; you split it that way, you get an atomic bomb.
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, “We're going to make a killing here.” You won't because it's still only as good as the content.
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.
The reason I don't worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I'll take those odds every day.
The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.
The wisdom of the masses is not always... wise.
They always throw around this term “the liberal elite.” And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?
We declared war on terror- it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.
We need religion to give grace and comfort to a world torn apart by religion.
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe- dare I dream it?- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by The Macarena.
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That famous quote by Mythbuster Adam Savage is, simply, the reason why the Republicans were handed their lunch on Tuesday.
Here are two essays which address the issue in a sane, rational manner. The videos that follow, from last night's Daily Show, are a bit more... bombastic.
-----
Ohio really did go to President Obama last night, and he really did win. And really was born in Hawaii. And he really is legitimately President of the United States. Again. And the Bureau of Labor Statistics did not make up a fake unemployment rate last month. And the Congressional Research Service really can find no evidence that cutting taxes on rich people grows the economy. And the polls were not skewed to over sample Democrats. And Nate Silver was not making fake projections about the election to make conservatives feel bad. Nate Silver was doing math. And climate change is real. And rape really does cause pregnancy sometimes. And evolution is a thing. And Benghazi was an attack on us. It was not a scandal by us. And nobody is taking away anyone's guns. And taxes have not gone up. And the deficit is dropping, actually. And Saddam Hussein did not have Weapons of Mass Destruction. And the moon landing was real, and FEMA is not building concentration camps. And UN election observers are not taking over Texas. And moderate reforms of the regulations on the insurance industry and the financial services industry in the country are not the same things as Communism.
Listen. Last night was a good night for Democrats and liberals for very obvious reasons. But it was also possibly a good night for this country as a whole. Because in this country we have a two party system in government. And the idea is supposed to be that the two sides both come up with ways to confront and fix the real problems facing this country. They both propose possible solutions to our real problems. And we debate between those possible solutions. And by the process of debate, we pick the best idea. That competition between good ideas from both sides about real problems in the real country should result in our country having better choices, better options, than if only one side is really working on the hard stuff. And if the Republican party and the conservative movement and the conservative media are stuck in a vacuum-sealed door-locked spin cycle of telling each other what makes them feel good, and denying the factual lived truth of the world, then we are all deprived as a nation of the constructive debate between competing feasible ideas about real problems.
Last night the Republicans got shellacked. And they had no idea it was coming. And we saw them in real time, in real humiliating time, not believe it as it was happening to them. And unless they are going to secede, they are going to have to pop the factual bubble they've been so happy living inside... if they do not want to get shellacked again. And that will be a painful process for them, I'm sure, but it will be good for the whole country, left, right and center. You guys, we're counting on you. Wake up. There are real problems in the world. There are real knowable facts in the world. Let's accept those and talk about how we might approach our problems differently. Let's move on from there. If the Republican party and the conservative media are forced to do that by the humiliation they were dealt last night, we'll all be better off as a nation.
And in that spirit, congratulations everybody.
-----
If You're Surprised By The Election Results, You're The Reason You Lost, Or: A Plea for Useful Republicans.
Dear Republicans:
I know the despair you feel this morning, and sympathize, because I've been there. In 2004 my stiff, robotic millionaire lost to a President he should have soundly thumped, and I was so hurt I took a week off from the Internet afterwards. I am completely sympathetic with that slow terror that the country is now in the hands of an incompetent, and the voters don't even know it.
But I noticed a weird difference between the way Republicans and Democrats reacted to a losing candidate. In 2004, when the polls turned against Kerry and it was obvious he was going to lose, the Democrats asked "How can we fix that?" Oh, they asked in their glum, incompetent way, but when I personally talked to other Democrats both in real life and online, we were all pretty cognizant of the fact that Kerry was the underdog.
The Republicans of 2012, however, became increasingly convinced that Romney was going to win.
Everywhere I looked on Twitter and Facebook, I saw my Republican friends- not straw men, but actual people- talking about how terrible Nate Silver's methods were, how these Rasmussen polls showed Romney's real strength, and eventually you got the travesty of UnSkewedPolls.com, which cherry-picked the data and even today has their prediction of not just a Romney win but a landslide, Romney 311 to Obama 227. (Actual result: Obama 332, Romney 206.)
It all crystallized for me when my friend Brad Torgerson said, "Liberals and Democrats have Nate Silver and his 538 blog. Conservatives and Republicans have the U of CO guys. It's an epic cage match of predictive numbers geekery!"
Look there. Right at that post- one not too dissimilar from a thousand other dismissals of Nate Silver and the other aggregated polls. See what Brad did there? The way the guy bringing you news he didn't like was automatically assigned a partisan bias, and the only rational solution was to get a guy on your side with better numbers? As if reality was merely a function of getting enough guys on your side?
That's why you lost.
Stop confusing hard reality for partisan opposition.
It's time to step out of the bubble, dear Republicans, because we fucking need you. I don't trust the Democratic party to run the country single-handedly. I want a Republican party I can rely on for real solutions- and you've become lazy, voodoo-like, dismissing any data you don't like as partisan opposition.
Jay Lake is fond of saying, "Reality has a liberal bias." That's not because reality inevitably verifies liberal thinking, but because the Republican response to anything that challenges them is now to write off the data.
And let me repeat: we need you. I want a counterweight to Democratic power, not a deadweight that refuses to acknowledge the issues. I want a Republican party that will look at the numbers for climate change and not go, "I don't like what those scientists are saying, so I'll call it a silly liberal bias!" but say, "We're business experts, we know how to motivate rich people to do what we want, how do we fix this?" I want a Republican party that will realize while yes, we're spending far too much and should cut down, the results of thirty years of trickle-down theory and tax cuts won't actually provide enough revenue, because we are at the lowest effective tax rates we've had in thirty years.
And yes, you can argue all my statements here. But in that, smart person, you're like a driver with an SUV in Alaska. A person with a car in Alaska is going to get stuck in the snow eventually; that's a fact. But if you have an SUV, you're gonna get stuck way the heck out in the woods where no one can get at you, because you have the strength to do it and won't stop when common sense tells you to. I had a ton of Very Smart friends dissecting all the reasons why Nate Silver was wrong, why his methodology sucked, why these pollsters who said what they liked over here had better ways of slicing the data- and all that flurry of so-called "facts" amounted to was an elaborate justification of personal biases that had no basis in reality.
It's time to stop fighting the obvious. It's time to stop assuming that anyone who presents contradictory data is out to get you.
You should have won, guys. You had a President with an economy in the doldrums, a guy who'd lost a lot of his electoral mojo in the realities of politics. But instead of rising from the grave, you chose a candidate who never actually gave us firm numbers on what expenses he'd cut to fix the economy. You chose a candidate who said he'd get rid of Obamacare, but never actually named the parts he'd destroy. You chose someone who, though all politicians lie, lied a lot more than almost any modern Presidential candidate.
You had a guy who should have sliced Obama to ribbons- and he lost, in large part, because he said, "Trust me" instead of giving us a plan. And you let him get away with it.
You let him get away with it because you're indulging in a great deal of magical thinking. You let him get away with it because facts have ceased to matter; as long as someone tells you something you want to hear, you'll find a way to justify it with pseudo-science and trust and spit and baling wire. You don't like to hear how bad a candidate Mitt was, because you came so close this year, but it's true; the problem is that so much of the country has abandoned listening to reality that you can get massive votes and never touch a fact.
If you can't be honest today, in the aftermath of this great defeat, then you're never going to see the truth.
If you seriously thought that Romney had a good chance of winning, then you're part of the problem. Wake up. I implore you: learn from this. Look at your deepest beliefs, and see whether the numbers support them. Start thinking, maybe those people with data I don't like are right.
If you think the lesson to be learned is "We weren't conservative enough," then you're handing me a great victory in 2016. I want to have a real choice then.
Love,
T.F. (The
Ferret)
---
Megyn Kelly teaches Karl Rove the power of scientific gobbledygook.
"If only President Bush could have been so lucky as to have a massive hurricane on his watch, then... oh, right..."
It's just arithmetic.
Categories: Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Chick-fil-A, Daily Show, Elections, Fox News, Hypocrisy, Jon Stewart, Karl Rove, Megyn Kelly, Mitt Romney, Nate Silver, News Media, Politics, Rachel Maddow, Sarah Palin, The Ferret, YouTube
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The first sentence of the Constitution mentions unions and welfare.
I don't know what to tell ya.
-Jon Stewart (debating Bill O'Reilly)
Categories: Bill O'Reilly, Jon Stewart, Quotes of the day
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Fox News is upset that empty-headed puppets are trying to brainwash and
indoctrinate Americans... Perhaps you could sue them. The charge could
be copyright infringement.
-Jon Stewart
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The Rumble in the Air Conditioned Auditorium: Bill O'Reilly vs Jon Stewart. NSFW language.
"Why is it if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a corporation, you’re a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you’re a moocher?”
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Jon Stewart and The Daily Show again display why they've won ten consecutive Emmy Awards.
Stewart draws disturbing comparisons between Charlie Gordon in Flowers For Algernon and Mitt's accelerating, inexorable descent into madness...
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"...For there are even more on the government dole than even his 49% accounts for. Like those welfare queens at ExxonMobil, AT&T, GE, et al... 250 corporations that from 2008 to 2010 got nearly a quarter trillion in tax subsidies. Although to be fair, at least ExxonMobil and AT&T give us back cheap gas and reliable cell phone service..."
"If they have success, they built it. If they failed, the government ruined it for them. If they get a break, they deserve it. If you get a break, it'a a handout and an entitlement.
It's a baffling, willfully blind cognitive dissonance...
(Watch the top of the video- you can skip the ad after a few seconds...)
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"Mitt Romney is a political contortionist. He can shoot himself in the
foot while it's still in his mouth while his head is up his ass. The
exit wound is spectacular. Then for an encore, he gets the other foot."
-David
Gerrold
It's why Al Gore invented the Internet:
Bill
O'Reilly and Jon Stewart debate!
Fact: Of the ten states with the highest percentage of people who pay no income tax, nine are red states.
Categories: Al Gore, Bill O'Reilly, Clint Eastwood, David Gerrold, Hillary Clinton, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, Paul Krugman, Paul Ryan, Politics, Rick Santorum, Taxes
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... and today's youth know the difference...
Categories: Barack Obama, CNN, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, MSNBC, Politics, Stephen Colbert
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Mitt Romney was promised that he'd get the majority of delegates in the GOP primaries and would be the presumptive nominee. The guy with the ruddy complexion, sulfurous b.o. and pointed prehensile tail didn't actually say he'd get the nomination. Always read the small print before you sign anything, Mittens. Especially in blood. (Wasn't a variation of this an old Twilight Zone episode?)
----
The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are
uncertain.
-Kevin G. Barkes
----
Expect a resolution in short order to the Viacom-DirecTV dispute. My mother discovered yesterday that Jon Stewart's Daily Show was missing from her DVR. She was not amused, and called me prior to phoning DirecTV's customer service line. I think she just wanted to be certain that I was in town if she needed bail money. There are stiff penalties for using that kind of language on the telephone, even if you're an 85-year-old retired teacher with a vocabulary that spans two languages and can cause sailors to blush in either.
----
Speaking of DirecTV and The Daily Show, the program's staff constantly updated the satellite provider's customers on Twitter with Viacom shows they were missing during the blackout:
?#OnViacomRightNow? Latest episode of Spike TV's "World's Fullest Bras."
?#OnViacomRightNow? Teen Grandmom Season Premier!
?#OnViacomRightNow? Nazis vs. Martians on Deadliest Warrior. Go Nazis!
?#OnViacomRightNow? On Centric, that Soul Train Line dance your uncle was in.
?#OnViacomRightNow? "Harlan Oaklee's Meth Kitchen" premiere on Spike TV.
?#OnViacomRightNow? Rick Astley and Adam Ant host VH-1's "Hits of the Reagan Era" special.
#OnViacomRightNow? The cast of "Real World: St. Thomas" clean their house and treat each other like human beings. Once in a lifetime, people!
?#OnViacomRightNow? Roseanne puts special surprise in the LunchBox's loose meat on TV Land. Meanwhile, Darlene broods.
?#OnViacomRightNow? Snooki tells Jersey Shore housemates she's pregnant, switches to white wine.
----
Also on Twitter, a Tea Party member called Keith Olberman a "douchback." Better than being a humpbag, I guess.
----
Andy Borowitz was on a roll, as well:
Judging from Internet comments, the only thing the right wing hates more than healthcare is spelling.
Having your movie attacked by Rush Limbaugh is like having your movie attacked by an obese drug addict.
McCain: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better, because she had never heard of Switzerland."
I had never heard of Yahoo's new CEO, so I Googled her.
John McCain calls Obama's 1st term "the worst thing I've ever observed." I guess he didn't watch Katie Couric's interview with his VP pick.
To celebrate National Karma Day, a pack of wild dogs just strapped Mitt Romney to the roof of a car.
----
Bonus birthday quotes of the day- Hunter S. Thompson:
Hunter Stockton Thompson (July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005) was an American journalist and author. He first came to popular attention with the publication of Hell's Angels: The Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs (1966), although the work he remains best known for is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1971), which was first serialised in Rolling Stone magazine.
Thompson became a counter cultural figure as the creator of "Gonzo Journalism," an experimental style of reporting where reporters involve themselves in the action to such a degree that they become central figures of their stories. He had an inveterate hatred of Richard Nixon, who he claimed represented "that dark, venal, and incurably violent side of the American character" and who he characterised in what many consider to be his best book, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail (1972). He was known also for his lifelong use of alcohol and illegal drugs; his love of firearms and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism.
While suffering a bout of health problems, he committed suicide in 2005 at the age of 67.
The full Wikipedia article on Thompson is available here.
A collection of Thompson quotes from the KGB Quotations Database is available here.
"I was also drunk, crazy and heavily armed at all times. People trembled
and cursed when I came into a public room and started screaming in
German"
-Hunter S. Thompson
Categories: Andy Borowitz, Daily Show, Hunter S. Thompson, Jon Stewart, KGB Family, KGB Opinion, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Quotes of the day
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As Dave Barry would say, You Cannot Make Up This Stuff.
(Colbert Report video: Think Citizens United was a joke? You have no idea...)
"Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission,
558 U.S. 08-205 (2010), 558 U.S. ––––, 130 S.Ct. 876
(January 21, 2010), was a landmark decision by the United
States Supreme Court holding that the First Amendment
prohibits government from placing limits on independent
spending for political purposes by corporations and unions.
The 5–4 decision originated in a dispute over whether the
non-profit corporation Citizens United could air a film
critical of Hillary Clinton, and whether the group could
advertise the film in broadcast ads featuring Clinton's
image, in apparent violation of the 2002 Bipartisan Campaign
Reform Act, commonly known as the McCain–Feingold Act in
reference to its primary Senate sponsors."
-Wikipedia
By giving corporations First Amendment rights and removing limits on donation size, the Court, in the words of President Obama, "gives the special interests and their lobbyists even more power in Washington- while undermining the influence of average Americans who make small contributions to support their preferred candidates," and "strikes at our democracy itself."
The clip above is simultaneously hilarious, enlightening, and depressing. It's an accurate depiction of how SuperPACs work- although the transfer "ceremony" is optional- and reveals how the Supreme Court gave coporations a blank check.
And, depressingly, it's real. This is what a conservative Supreme Court has done to our election process.
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"His plan to fix America is for black kids to start cleaning toilets?"
(Daily Show video: Larry Wilmore analyzes Newtspeak.)
"I didn't know there was a black poverty, Jon, I thought it was just poverty. Okay? We can't even be poor as good as you guys?
"Somehow when black people are poor, it's their fault. They're on welfare and lazy. But down in poor white Appalachia, you're not the problem. It's China's fault or India's fault, or all the money we're spending on black people on welfare. I'm sorry- inner-city government subsidy recipients."
But the trophy goes to The Colbert Report, which reveals the true source of Newt's most audacious ideas:
(Colbert Report video: Stephen discovers Newt's true alter ego.)
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Calvin Trillin (b. December 5, 1935):
Americans drive across the country as if someone's chasing them.
As far as I'm concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
Health food makes me sick.
I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.
I never did very well in math- I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.
If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come “Lincolnesque” just means tall?
In modern America, anyone who attempts to write satirically about the events of the day finds it difficult to concoct a situation so bizarre that it may not actually come to pass while the article is still on the presses.
(Daily Show: Trillin demonstrates how bizarre, concocted satire can become reality.)
Marriage is part of a sort of 50s revival package that's back in vogue along with neckties and naked ambition.
Not as bad as you might have expected.
(his suggested state motto for
New Jersey)
The price of purity is purists.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
When someone reaches middle age, people he knows begin to get put in charge of things, and knowing what he knows about the people who are being put in charge of things scares the hell out of him.
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"They can't stand that a black man, much blacker than Obama, and a real American black, is this right-winger."-Ann Coulter
"Even I'm offended by that, and I'm a racist."-Jon Stewart
("The Daily Show" video, in which Donald Trump expresses outrage at Jon Stewart's racist impression of Herman Cain, and Ann Coulter notes Republican blacks are better than Democratic blacks.)
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The cynic in me sometimes thinks candidates and politicians behave this way because they know the game is rigged, the process is a charade, and it just doesn't make any difference who gets elected.
"All of this back and forth debate implies that there are really
choices in this country- that we really have choices. It’s an illusion.
There is no real choice... Americans are meant to feel free by the
exercise of meaningless choice. You know what the choices are in this
country? Paper or plastic, aisle or window, smoking or no smoking.
These are your real choices. You don’t get to choose anything."
-George Carlin
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"You had your shot, guys. For one shining moment, you weren't the biggest boobs on television."
(The Daily Show video: Nancy's wardrobe malfunction, Fox and Friends' seventh grade hazing of Chaz Bono continues.)
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Only $200,000 a year for food? The threatened extinction of Subway, Bill O'Reilly and the super rich.
("Moneybrawl" clip from "The Daily Show")
Perhaps a different, more direct perspective is needed:
(Clip from an Elizabeth Warren speech in Andover, MA.)
There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody.
You built a factory out there- good for you! But I want to be clear.
You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for.
You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate.
You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for.
You didn’t have to worry that maurauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory, and hire someone to protect against this, because of the work the rest of us did.
Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific, or a great idea- God bless. Keep a big hunk of it.
But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.
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Former Vice President Dick Cheney garners sympathy from an unusual source: The Daily Show's Jon Stewart.
("The Daily Show" clip: citing Obi-Wan.)
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The Daily Show remembers 9/13... the day we started forgetting...
Categories: Church and State, Daily Show, First Amendment, Hypocrisy, Jon Stewart, U.S. Constitution, Video, WTF?
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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out
the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would
have been made in China. USA! USA!
-Conan O'Brien
Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or
longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people
interested in his house.
-Conan O'Brien
Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come
down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen,
she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.
-Conan
O'Brien
A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and
Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come
down to who wears the most flag pins.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he
wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to
fire a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was
experimenting.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He's got that
everyman quality that we can all relate to.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in
front. Because he's the one with the gun.
-Stephen Colbert
There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry
campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as
church and state under a Perry Administration.
-Stephen Colbert
It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get
a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your
Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is
your Ron Paul?'
-Jon Stewart
Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire.
He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'
-Conan
O'Brien
The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we
owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.
-Conan O'Brien
Newt Gingrich, who came in eighth place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said
he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,'
and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'
-Conan O'Brien
A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25
shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me.
You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing
inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan,
calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from
the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
President Obama's new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out
the Other Guys Are Assholes.'
-Jon Stewart
Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this
excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin'
contest.'
-Conan O'Brien
Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president.
Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even
they don't know who he is.
-Conan O'Brien
Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight
DVDs for Kim Jong Il.
-Conan O'Brien
The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch
criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested,
while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
-Conan
O'Brien
Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got
4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who
doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to
spend more time lacking charisma with his family.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry
will get his supporter.
-Stephen Colbert
In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo.
Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
-Stephen
Colbert
Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to
do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket- by
paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000
tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes
she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million
voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet
Randy Travis.
-Stephen Colbert
He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex
Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it
with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and
then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into
the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the
anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!
-Jon
Stewart
If all of Jon Huntsman's supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the
fire marshal would say, 'yeah, that's fine, there are some more seats in
the back.'
-Jon Stewart
Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no,
but her husband is.
-Jay Leno
President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three
states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
-Jay Leno
The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner
was? Anyone that didn't watch.
-Jay Leno
Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.
-Jay
Leno
It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because
there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
-Jay Leno
General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast
Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice.
They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'
-Jay Leno
A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the
country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'
-Jimmy Fallon
The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to
911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar!
Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'
-Jimmy
Fallon
Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many
of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's
ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'
-Conan
O'Brien
Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with
reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer,
Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.
-Conan O'Brien
President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left
a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.
-Jimmy
Fallon
After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it
could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright
side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.
-Jimmy
Fallon
During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made
$2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions,
they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.
-Jimmy
Fallon
Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be
our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.
-Stephen Colbert
We need God's forgiveness- or at least China's.
-Stephen Colbert
It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and
today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's
off his meds.
-Jay Leno
Categories: Church and State, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert
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(The Daily Show video: The Poor's Free Ride Is Over.)
In which Jon Stewart brilliantly explains how the greedy 50% of the population which controls a whopping 2.5% of the nation's wealth can solve the debt crisis by simply carrying their fair share of the tax burden.
What prompted this? Warren Buffett's op-ed, a thoughtful treatise on the advantages the super-wealthy currently enjoy at the hands of the tax code, or, to put that another way, "class warfare." Yep, Warren Buffett is a socialist.
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"How did Libertarian Ron Paul become the thirteenth floor in a hotel?"-Jon Stewart
(The Daily Show video: "Even when the media does remember Ron Paul, it's only to reassure themselves that there's no need to remember Ron Paul."(04:20))
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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on
vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.
-Jay Leno
They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know
what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to
live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you
used to have money.
-Jay Leno
President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating
should give America "a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of
urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the
congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.
-Jay Leno
Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do?
You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes
them all the money.
-Jay Leno
Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting
married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.
-Jay Leno
There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People
are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the
hard way, without a soccer game.
-Jay Leno
Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he
received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother
of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial "guy you
didn't know existed" vote.
-Conan O'Brien
A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more
Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live
without eight shows about cakes.
-Conan O'Brien
Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a
sister Mercede, who just posed for "Playboy" and said some very
unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she
dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go
into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President
she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a
little so he could get both nipples.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip
recession. That sounds delicious to me.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy
a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read
words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's
elected president, she won't read words.
-Jimmy Fallon
The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming
Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall
from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.
-Jimmy Fallon
Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting
to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.
-Stephen
Colbert
New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try
to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray
Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'
-Conan O'Brien
Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived
Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived
'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'
-Conan O'Brien
Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked.
They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.
-Conan
O'Brien
A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely
reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for
Type 2 diabetes.
-Conan O'Brien
'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's
about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First
they form political groups called Tea Parties.
-Jay Leno
Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots
are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.
-Jay Leno
A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida.
She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and
started swimming in the other direction.
-Jay Leno
Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if
the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances
Moosehead Palin.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost
woke up some of the people in the audience.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential
race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from
there.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much
damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused
him of doing the same thing.
-Jimmy Fallon
The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say
is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.
-Jimmy Fallon
S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles,
a "Trump."
-Daily Show tweet
S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse.
Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.
-Jay Leno
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign.
He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private
sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the
private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.
-Jay Leno
I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It
must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it.
-Jay Leno
Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw
poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of,
the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of
winning.
-Jay Leno
It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of
Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President
Obama's economic team.
-Jay Leno
The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only
one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?
-Jimmy Kimmel
We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them
Florida?
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still
a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high.
Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing
and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have
sex with it.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday
night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it,
'What happens if I get a flat tire?'
-Jimmy Fallon
About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a
new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from
'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'
-Jimmy Fallon
China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So
maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the
Smurf movie.
-Conan O'Brien
The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America.
My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan
can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.
-Conan O'Brien
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(Daily Show video, in which Jon Stewart again highlights conservative hypocrisy.)
The Daily Show's crack research team comes through again. Don't those idiots at Fox realize they save the tapes?!
The full hypocritical comment Kelly made was:
"The United States is the only country in the advanced world that doesn't require paid maternity leave. Now I happen to work for a nice employer that gave me paid leave. But the United States is the only advanced country that doesn't require paid leave. If anything, the United States is in the dark ages when it comes to maternity leave. And what is it about carrying a baby for nine months, that you don't think deserves a few months off so bonding and recovery can take place, hmm?"
As Jon Stewart noted, "This is the problem with entitlements. They're really only entitlements when they're something other people want. When it's something you want, they're a hallmark of a civilized society, the foundation of a great people. I just had a baby and found out maternity leave strengthens society. But since I still have a job, unemployment benefits are clearly socialism. To put it more simply, [cut to George Carlin clip] Have you noticed their stuff is sh*t, and you sh*t is stuff?"
Mrs, "It's not an entitlement if I want it" is right about one thing: the way the United States treats parents is barbaric, compared to other countries.
Categories: Daily Show, George Carlin, Jon Stewart, Video
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I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that
this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head stuck in a jar of
Skippy peanut butter.
–Jon Stewart
----------
Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of
the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his
age.
-Conan O'Brien
This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said
it's working on a 'Plan B.' Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale.'
-Jimmy
Fallon
Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government
would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?
-Jay Leno
The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its
bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.
–Conan
O'Brien
Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default,
President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three
words: President Joe Biden.
–Jay Leno
Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked
in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as
the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem
like a lot to you.
-Jimmy Fallon
NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs
now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the
drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his
Big Mac.'
-Jimmy Fallon
Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again.
There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature
than President Obama and John Boehner.
-Jimmy Fallon
John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His
face turned from orange to mandarin orange.
-Jimmy Kimmel
They say that the United States might default on its loans and China
might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or
something.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by August 2, nothing will
happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?
-Jimmy Kimmel
The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its
bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.
-Conan
O'Brien
George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama
bin Laden next month on cable TV. It's expected to be the highest-rated
episode ever of 'Cake Boss.'
-Conan O'Brien
We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the 'feels like' is $20 trillion.
-David
Letterman
We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele
Bachmann's hair spray.
-David Letterman
Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm
toying with the idea of drinking again.
-David Letterman
The number one movie in the country is "Captain America." Analysts say
this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40's and has a
retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could
actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time.
-Jay
Leno
A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other
54 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'
-Jay Leno
According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own
party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared
him to Jimmy Carter.
-Jay Leno
Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the
United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We
lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy.
-Jay
Leno
Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A
few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself:
Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than
he usually pays for a prime minister.
-Craig Ferguson
I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this
country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people
holding your kind back.
-Jon Stewart
[Video overlay] Sean Hannity saying liberals are "so vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don't hear this coming from conservatives about liberals." Jon Stewart: "You don't? That is, if I may say, some of the most free-range, organically grown disingenuous, ideologically marinated, un-self-awareness I've ever seen in the wild."
Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news
people, not random people with an AOL account.
-Jon Stewart on
Twitter pundits
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The Daily Show was 15 years old this past Thursday, and for the past 12 years it's been The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
Since then, the program has won over a dozen Emmy Awards and two Peabody Awards, and 44% of those participating in a 2009 Time magazine online poll voted Stewart "America's most trusted newscaster," 15% ahead of NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams.Stewart calls his show "fake news," and while the segments feature biting satire and over the top delivery, it often reports stories with far more impact and context than corporate media outlets. It's particularly incisive when the show's staff of researchers assembles clips of politicians contradicting or denying prior statements. "What is it with you guys?" Stewart once asked after one the damning compilations. "Don't you realize we save the tapes?"
The most egregious example was Senator John McCain. The Arizona Republican's self-deprecating style and maverick persona had been a Stewart favorite, and McCain appeared 15 times between 1999 and the start of his 2008 presidential campaign. But the senator's prevarications and backtracking finally prompted The Daily Show to produce one of its sharpest, most scathing segments:
While other media outlets did cover McCain's brain-detonating "I'm not a maverick" claim, only The Daily Show and, later, David Letterman, excoriated McCain for his reversals and outright lies.
Some claim Stewart's incessant, near-religious hammering of disingenuous, dishonest leaders and media figures increases the level of cynicism in the country and causes diminished participation in elections and other civic functions. I disagree. Unlike "real" news and commentary shows, Stewart's idealism has a sharp, deadly edge that is enervating.
Take MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews' appearance on the show to promote his book "Life's A Campaign." While a smart, personable guy, I've never cared for Matthews. He's a professional cynic whose take on government and politics reduces them to the level of professional sports. The effect of an election or Congressional vote on the United States or its citizens? Who cares? What's important is the game, a game to be won through strategy and manipulation. I could only read a few chapters, and tossed it aside in disgust. Matthews' advice bordered on the sociopathic. He advocated using the same exploitative and Machiavellian techniques politicians employ to win elections to succeed in day-to-day life. It should cause the superego of any decent human being to recoil in distaste and horror.
Stewart dived in with guns blazing. "You're trashing my book!," Matthews complains in the clip below. "I'm not trashing your book," Stewart explains. "I'm trashing your philosophy of life."
Matthews called it "the worst interview of my life." Well, at least it was the most honest.
Anyway....
During his tenure as host, Stewart's delivered some rather memorable quotes, and I've collected here the ones I most like.
Happy Birthday, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We've been through a lot. I can't imagine making it through the 2012 election without you.
-----
Quotes by Jon Stewart:
Arizona is the meth lab of democracy.
As someone who is not Christian, it is hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America... maybe, God willing, one of you will rise up and get to be President of this country; or maybe 44 in a row.
Even the Stock-Pickin' Chicken is right some of the time.
Every country has at least one museum that says "Here's why we chased you out."
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are assholes.
I view America like this: 70 to 80 percent [are] pretty reasonable people that truthfully, if they sat down, even on contentious issues, would get along. And the other 20 percent of the country run it.
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values- they're hobbies.
If you have too many white people at a rally, then your cause is racist. And if you have too many people of color at a rally, you must be asking for something.
It does not matter what we say or do; it matters only what is reported about what we say or do.
It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya.
It feels like all the people who want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.
No one's going to march in the streets carrying a sign that says "Be Reasonable!"
Religion is kinda like nuclear power: you split the atom this way, you get electricity; you split it that way, you get an atomic bomb.
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what? Copyright infringement?
The wisdom of the masses is not always... wise.
They always throw around this term "the liberal elite." And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?
We need religion to give grace and comfort to a world torn apart by religion.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by The Macarena.
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"To balance the system, Fox has to be the purest form of right-wing resin, because of how heavy left-wing America is. Hollywood, comedians, every single news organization, the Internet, facts, history, science- it's all just left-wing bull****, man! Each one of them designed purely to shut down conservatives..."
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Jon Stewart easily disposes of Chris Wallace's criticisms. Fox News Sunday video available here. Sorry, it won't embed successfully. Fox's HTML code is about as stable as Glenn Beck.
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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him
cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving
that even back then he knew he wanted to be a
Congressman.
-Jay Leno
It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle
misspelled the word 'potato,' thus paving the way for Sarah
Palin.
-Jay Leno
According to a new report, only 12 percent of American
high school students can pass a basic history test. That's
the lowest percentage since our country was founded in
1922.
-Jay Leno
Congressman Weiner’s wife returned today from her
diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired
of Ethiopians telling her, 'I feel so sorry for you.'
-Conan O'Brien
A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders
know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When
she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to
know about something that happened 20 years ago.'
-Conan O'Brien
A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only
one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary
stories about taxing the top 2%.
-Conan O'Brien
Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a
very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated
Halloween in San Francisco.
-Conan O'Brien
Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I
bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the
new birth certificate.
-David Letterman
A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors
are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact,
when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite
president, George Jefferson.
-Jimmy Fallon
It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico
actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people
found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico.
-Jimmy Fallon
One more vote is needed in the New York State Senate to
legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican
Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for
the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy.
-Jon Stewart
Categories: History, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week
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John Oliver discovers they're back in this Daily Show video.
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What? The Congressman [Anthony Weiner] had a sex scandal and had to call Bill Clinton to
apologize? For what, copyright infringement? A patent violation?
-Jon Stewart
Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Quotes of the day
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Has anyone ever stopped to consider the possibility that Sarah Palin and her family
are driving from town to town solving mysteries and unmasking monsters in haunted
amusement parks?
-Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin's bus tour
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I've always found the hallmark of an honest conversation is one that begins with "If you quote me directly using videotape of my comments, in context- you're lying."
Categories: Daily Show, Hypocrisy, Jon Stewart, Video
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Bill-O actually listens and even allows Stewart to score points. Well worth the time. See the full interview here.
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The Daily Show's Jon Stewart yet again reveals Fox News' faux outrage as the naked hypocrisy it is.
"Oh, if we only had the tape..."
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Actually, you know who else has to go through that type of check to get
their money? Nobody. Not from Medicare, not from Medicaid, not Social
Security, not farm subsidies, not oil subsidies, not for FEMA disaster
money; although, if your name is "Katrina," they have to verify you're
not a hurricane before you get your check. You want billions in bank
bail-out money? You get that without being cross-checked against
the terrorist watch list. The only thing they want to know in that case
is, "Did you start the financial meltdown in the first place?" 'Cause if
you did, here's your bleeping money!"
-Jon Stewart
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"His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, an organization that receives millions in taxpayer dollars, does subsidize abortions."
"He's not lying to get out of a commitment like jury duty or to be boastful, he's standing on the Senate floor lying to the American people to get his way."
Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Video, WTF?
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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the
government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to
secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?
-Jay
Leno
The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the
government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden...
-Jimmy
Fallon
We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will
cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one
more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates
the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.
-Stephen
Colbert
Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this
year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the
voices in his head.
-Jimmy Fallon
The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time
campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before
he gets serious about it- just like he did with being president.
-Jimmy
Fallon
President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time?
'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'
-Jay Leno
President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He's not breaking up
with us! He wants to work things out! He's forgiving our poor record on
post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to,
every time we go to war.
-Jon Stewart
President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not
really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed
the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth
certificate.
-Craig Ferguson
So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a
Craigslist ad for a free couch.
-Stephen Colbert
Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the
Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because
it's mostly on top of the water.
-Conan O'Brien
There's a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the
White House, and it's rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath.
That's a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his
mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.
-Jimmy Kimmel
I think Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land
so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season.
That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs
are losing their jobs.
-Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will
run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is
over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the
presidency ever— I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for
President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be
my new Apprentice.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next
week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S.
government is still up in the air.
-Conan O'Brien
If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government
will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money
and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the
country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it
will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.
-Jay
Leno
A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely
whiten John Boehner.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was
crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
-Craig
Ferguson
It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the
presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin
questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?
-Jimmy
Kimmel
While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's
forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.
-Jay
Leno
Categories: Craig Ferguson, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert
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Again, one must ask- why are the clearest, most direct interviews performed by a comedian on a fake news show?
Stewart probes Huckabee's support of radical evangelical minister and discredited historian David Barton, who claims- despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary- that the Founders intended the United States to be a Christian theocracy. Stewart also questions why Huckabee- who is always reasonable and self-effacing during his Daily Show interviews- promotes Barton's extreme ideas when addressing his conservative base.
This is part three of three of the interview; consider watching them all. It's one of Stewart's- and Huckabee's- best efforts.
It also features two Stewart observations that made it to my quote database:
"As someone who is not Christian, it is hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America... maybe, God willing, one of you will rise up and get to be President of this country; or maybe 44 in a row."
"We need religion to give grace and comfort to a world torn apart by religion."
Categories: Church and State, Daily Show, First Amendment, Founding Fathers, History, Jon Stewart, U.S. Constitution, Video
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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the
Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really
started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who
believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states
right.
-Jay Leno
Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time
since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton
said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's
Hillary."
-Jimmy Fallon
We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars
aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the
youngest one because the other two will take care of it.
-Jon Stewart
It's one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi.
First his own people started rising up against him, then his
compound was bombed, and now he's getting beaten up by the
French.
-Jay Leno
The Pentagon says that U.S. operations in Libya are
limited and have a definite end date. I don't believe that.
We still have troops in Germany.
-Jay Leno
Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya?
The planes look brand new, like they've never been used
before.
-Jay Leno
Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya.
When the Germans don't want to fight and the French do, the
whole world is upside down.
-Jay Leno
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be
fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace
Prize.
-Jay Leno
According to reports, Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite
corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a
related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.
-Conan O'Brien
The name of the U.S. operation in Libya is 'Odyssey
Dawn.' It's the first military action to be named by
Crabtree & Evelyn.
-Conan O'Brien
When the Obamas were in Chile their President said, 'I
think the First Lady of the United States is very
good-looking.' So now we're at war with Chile. Operation
Lavender Mist.
-Conan O'Brien
On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why
they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying,
'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'
-Conan O'Brien
The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting
leaders from the gay community. This explains their new
name, the 'National Association for the Advancement of
Color-Coordinated People.'
-Conan O'Brien
Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said.
It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire.
-David Letterman
Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have
to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.
-David Letterman
Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the
presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.
-David Letterman
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use
Hair Force One.
-David Letterman
Charlie Sheen is still a big story because, honestly,
none of us know where Libya is.
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America
short because of the situation in Libya- and to check on
his NCAA brackets.
-Jimmy Kimmel
No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's
like the Hanukkah of dictators.
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America
short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So
to everyone who said Obama didn't care about Libya, you're
wrong. He cares three hours' worth.
-Jimmy Fallon
A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to
anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was
offered a nightly show on Fox News.
-Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi
is engaged in 'theater.' Which explains the new strategy to
defeat him: casting him as the lead in 'Spider-Man: the Musical.'
-Jimmy Fallon
Categories: Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week
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Lewis Black thinks Donald Trump has what it takes to be the crazy third-world dictator that America needs.
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You can't simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles.
-Jon Stewart
Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Quotes of the day
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