KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

Quotes of the day: Johnny Carson
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Published Wednesday, October 23, 2013 @ 12:42 AM EDT

Oct 23 2013

(Visit the KGB Report's Johnny Carson page.)

John William "Johnny" Carson (October 23, 1925 - January 23, 2005) was an American television host and comedian, known for thirty years as host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962–1992). Carson received six Emmy Awards, the Governor's Award, and a 1985 Peabody Award. He was inducted into the Television Academy Hall of Fame in 1987. Johnny Carson was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1992 and received a Kennedy Center Honor in 1993. Although his show was already successful by the end of the 1960s, during the 1970s Carson became an American icon and remained so until his retirement in 1992. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)

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An optimist is an accordion player with a beeper.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto- usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Democracy means free television; not good television, but free.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.

I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled. (On how he became a star.)

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

If you must smoke, don't do it orally.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Only lie about the future. (to politicians)

People pay more to be entertained that educated.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

The best things in life are free. And the cheesiest things in life are free with a paid subscription to Sports Illustrated.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

We're doing great in Malibu. The mudslides put out the fires.

Categories: Johnny Carson, Quotes of the day

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Happy birthday, Johnny!
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Published Tuesday, October 23, 2012 @ 12:29 AM EDT

Oct 23 2012

John William “Johnny” Carson (October 23, 1925 - January 23, 2005) was an American television host and comedian, known for 30 years as host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962–1992). Carson received six Emmy Awards, the Governor Award, and a 1985 Peabody Award. He was inducted into the Television Academy Hall of Fame in 1987. Johnny Carson was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1992 and received a Kennedy Center Honor in 1993. Although his show was already successful by the end of the 1960s, during the 1970s Carson became an American icon and remained so until his retirement in 1992. Click for full article.

(A portion of David Letterman's 2005 tribute show for Johnny Carson.)

Visit our Johnny Carson page.

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One of Carson's funniest routines was Carnac the Magnificent, an alleged psychic who would hold to his head a sealed envelope, divine and announce the answer, then open the envelope and read the question. He adapted the bit from routines previously performed by Steve Allen and Ernie Kovacs, but Carson perfected the format.

Herewith are some of the more memorable Carnac gags. For the complete list, go to the source at www.nightscribe.com, But be certain to watch the video at the end...

A: Peter Pan.
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?

A: Mount Baldy.
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?

A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

A: Cyclone.
Q: What do call the clone of a guy named Cy?

A: ”Hi diddly dee.“
Q: How do you say "Good morning" to your diddly dee?

A: The Orient express.
Q: What is a drink made with soy sauce and prune juice?

A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Q: What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?

A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

A: Kumquat.
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?

A: Defrost.
Q: On a cold morning, what forms on de-grass?

A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

A: Shoo be doo be doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo be doo be?

A: Trapper John.
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?

A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

A: Zeppo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zeppo?

A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: The big ten.
Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe contest.

A: All the President's Men.
Q: Who won't be let out to see the picture?

A: Bifocal.
Q: Name a focal that goes both ways.

A: Timbuktu.
Q: What comes after Timbuk one?

A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell “backgammon?”

A: Jello and “Charlie's Angels.”
Q: What looks delicious, quivers all over and can't talk?

A: The Loch Ness Monster.
Q: Who will they find sooner than Jimmy Hoffa?

A: The diamond lane.
Q: What does Zsa Zsa Gabor call the center of a church?

A: A nine foot base with two feet of powder.
Q: Describe Mick Jagger's nose.

A: Putting on the dog.
Q: What do you call dressing up as a tree?

A: "Yes man."
Q: What should you answer to everything George Foreman says?

A: You asked for it.
Q: How do you get it?

A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and the candidates' campaign promises.
Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.

A: Groundhog.
Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages?

(The best of Carnac.)

Categories: Johnny Carson, TV, Video, YouTube

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It was 20 years ago today...
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Published Tuesday, May 22, 2012 @ 2:42 AM EDT

May 22 2012

... and late night television's never been the same. Johnny Carson's last day as host of The Tonight Show. The video below is actually from the night before, but it's the one most people as Johnny's official "farewell."

(YouTube video. From the description: Bette Midler singing "One For My Baby (And One For The Road)" on Johnny Carson's final show with guest appearances (1992). On May 21, 1992, the eve of Johnny Carson's last show, he hosted his final guests, Robin Williams and Bette Midler. It was also the final show before a regular studio audience; fans, who had been camping out to get into the final shows, waited up to 35 hours to get into this one. Once underway, the atmosphere was electric and Carson was greeted with a sustained, two-minute ovation at the start. Williams displayed an especially uninhibited take on his trademark manic energy and stream-of-consciousness lunacy. Midler, in contrast, found the emotional vein of the farewell. When the conversation turned to Johnny's favorite songs- "I'll Be Seeing You" and "Here's That Rainy Day" -- Midler mentioned she knew a chorus of the latter. She began singing the song, and after the first line, Carson joined in and turned it into an impromptu duet. Midler finished her appearance from center stage, where she slowly sang the pop standard "One for My Baby (and One More for the Road)". Carson became unexpectedly tearful, and a shot of the two of them was captured by a camera angle from across the set which had never been used before. The audience became tearful as well, and called the three performers out for a second bow after the show completed. This penultimate show was immediately recognized as a television classic, and Midler would consider it one of the most emotional moments of her life and would win an Emmy Award for her role in it.)

Categories: Johnny Carson, Music, Video, YouTube

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