This marvelous piece was written by the talented Victoria Fedden.
You can order her book, This Is Not My Beautiful Life: A Memoir, on Amazon.
Snowstorms in the 70s
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Hear on the 6 o'clock news that there will be snow the day after
tomorrow. "Some accumulation," the weatherman says. He talks about the
snow for less than 30 seconds. Continue eating your Hamburger Helper.
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Go to the A&P in the morning and casually get some milk, a loaf of
Wonderbread and some Velveeta.
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Check the shed to make sure the big red snow shovel's still there and
that the kids haven't used it to build a fort in the vacant lot down
the street where they like to play unattended for hours with all other
neighborhood kids after school. It's there. The end.
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Put the chains on the car tires, make a pot of soup and a batch of
Chex Mix and pour yourself a drink. You are done.
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If it snows more than a foot overnight, school will be canceled. You
will just somehow know that there is no school because you will use
your common sense. There MIGHT be a phone tree. Keyword is MIGHT.
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Snow Day!! This means you can bundle the children within an inch of
their lives and send them outside in whiteout conditions and 20 below
temps FOR THE REST OF THE DAY while you stay inside, watch "As the
World Turns," smoke Eves, do your nails and wait for the snow plow.
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Throw salt all over the front steps. Boil some water and stir up a few
packets of Swiss Miss hot chocolate for when the kids come back in.
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Looks like you're going to get two feet of snow with this one. Oh
well. Stick your head out the screen door and take a couple Polaroids
of the kids' snowman they built since you forgot to buy film and
flashbulbs for the Kodak Ektralite. Too much of a pain to take the
pictures to the Fotomat to get developed, and who wants to see a bunch
of pictures of snow anyway? It snows ALL WINTER LONG. Big deal.
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Ask some neighborhood teens to shovel your driveway for you. They
gladly do this in exchange for grilled cheese sandwiches.
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If the electricity goes out, pile extra afghans on the beds and put
all the food from the fridge outside on the back porch. It'll keep
just fine in these temperatures and the electric will be back on in a
couple days. Nothing to worry over. There's always the kerosene heater
and the fireplace or the coal furnace in the cellar.
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Snow is now piled to the eaves of the house. There will be school
tomorrow.
- Let the kids go sledding at night after dinner. Have an Irish Coffee. Go to bed early.
Snowstorms 2016
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Get a news alert on your smartphone that in ten days the blizzard of the Millennium is going to strike. Turn on 24 hour cable news immediately for round the clock coverage.
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Look for constant updates on WINTER STORM CHIONE. Look to see what everyone is posting on Facebook about it. Pretend you know how to pronounce Chione.
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Three days before the storm is supposed to hit the governor will declare a State of Emergency. It's 70 degrees and sunny out.
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Rush to Whole Foods and buy $756.00 worth of healthy junk food. You cannot weather a blizzard like this without hemp seed ghost pepper non-GMO tortilla chips, and the kids won't survive without vegan, fruit sweetened gummies.
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Charge all devices. This includes the five iPads you own, three smartphones, the laptop, both Kindles, and your fancy toothbrushes.
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Check to see if Anderson Cooper is wearing his casual clothes and if he has gone outside. If Anderson Cooper is broadcasting from outside, you are basically screwed.
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Yup. We're all going to die.
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Brace yourselves. There are going to be a lot of Game of Thrones memes on social about this.
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Snowmageddon is definitely happening. It is all over the Internet. School is now closed two days before it is supposed to snow. You know, to keep the children safe from all the people rushing to Target and fighting one another tooth and nail for the last loaf of Ezekiel bread, organic 2% milk, and cage-free Omega 3 eggs. Because if we're going to go off our Paleo diets for some French Toast, it should at least be whole freaking grain. (I think?) Whatever, screw it.
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There is a sugar coating of very fine snow on your flagstone walkway leading up to your meticulously restored craftsman cottage. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. It is dangerous in these conditions. Oh my God, it is 33 degrees. Screenshot the weather app from your phone and tweet it. #brrrr #freezingtodeath #winterstormchione
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But wait!! At least you get to wear your Uggs! And your buffalo plaid!
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Receive an automated call at 4 in the morning that school is canceled basically until the end of the month because of the winter storm's devastation.
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Check Pinterest for educational snow day crafts and activities to keep the children engaged and learning. Do not let them outside to play in the inch of snow that just fell because OMG frostbite.
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Take lots of pictures of the snow. Post to Instagram. The Amaro filter makes snow look like a photo from the Anthropologie catalog.
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Post all the same pictures to Facebook too. Complain about how bored you are, but then hashtag your status #blessed.
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Relent and let the kids outside. Bundle them up within an inch of their lives.
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Forget that you didn't make them go pee first. Unbundle them and make them all go to the bathroom. Then rebundle them. By now an hour and a half has passed.
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Only let them stay out long enough to get some good candid shots of them building a snowman, even though you are the one who actually built the snowman because you needed it to look just so. Do not let them go sledding because they could get traumatic head injuries. You have read enough stories online about accidents like that and how they could have easily been prevented by just keeping children inside attached to screens all day.
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Is this hot chocolate fair trade? And oh my God, who can you hire to shovel this away? Does your landscaping company take care of snow removal? Because there's no way you can figure out the ethanol powered, cordless, half solar snowblower you bought on sale for $900.00 because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
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There is at least four inches of snow. The electricity went out for five minutes. You have plowed through the bag of ghost pepper chips and you are sure the world is ending. Scroll through your phone looking for the best deals to Aruba this weekend.
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The day after the storm hits, the meteorologists will apologize profusely that they said there'd 75 inches of snow and ice and 89 mile per hour winds, even though you got maybe five inches total when all was said and done and it melted overnight. Blame climate change. The forecast models are very unpredictable. Shrug.
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Start packing for that Aruba trip you booked.
Categories: Victoria Fedden
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