Rita Rudner (born September 17, 1953) is an American comedienne, writer and actress. (Click here for full Wikipedia article.)
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A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
Cats are a waste of fur.
I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love to sleep... It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.
I never get lost. I just change where it is that I want to go.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself 'well, that's not going to happen'.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
I'm going to water ski someday, as soon as I can mentally separate it from being dragged by a boat.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
It wasn't that no one would ask me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
Men do cry- but only when assembling furniture.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
When I meet a man I ask myself, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Categories: Quotes of the day, Rita Rudner
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