KGB Report

Failure to write a concession speech is what sealed Mitt Romney's fate:

(YouTube video: "Election Night" episode, The West Wing)

Sam Seaborn: You wrote a concession?
Toby Ziegler: Of course I wrote a concession. You want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Toby Ziegler: Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell's the matter with you?

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Categories: Elections, Mitt Romney, Politics, TV, Video, YouTube

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That famous quote by Mythbuster Adam Savage is, simply, the reason why the Republicans were handed their lunch on Tuesday.

Here are two essays which address the issue in a sane, rational manner. The videos that follow, from last night's Daily Show, are a bit more... bombastic.

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Ohio really did go to President Obama last night, and he really did win. And really was born in Hawaii. And he really is legitimately President of the United States. Again. And the Bureau of Labor Statistics did not make up a fake unemployment rate last month. And the Congressional Research Service really can find no evidence that cutting taxes on rich people grows the economy. And the polls were not skewed to over sample Democrats. And Nate Silver was not making fake projections about the election to make conservatives feel bad. Nate Silver was doing math. And climate change is real. And rape really does cause pregnancy sometimes. And evolution is a thing. And Benghazi was an attack on us. It was not a scandal by us. And nobody is taking away anyone's guns. And taxes have not gone up. And the deficit is dropping, actually. And Saddam Hussein did not have Weapons of Mass Destruction. And the moon landing was real, and FEMA is not building concentration camps. And UN election observers are not taking over Texas. And moderate reforms of the regulations on the insurance industry and the financial services industry in the country are not the same things as Communism.

Listen. Last night was a good night for Democrats and liberals for very obvious reasons. But it was also possibly a good night for this country as a whole. Because in this country we have a two party system in government. And the idea is supposed to be that the two sides both come up with ways to confront and fix the real problems facing this country. They both propose possible solutions to our real problems. And we debate between those possible solutions. And by the process of debate, we pick the best idea. That competition between good ideas from both sides about real problems in the real country should result in our country having better choices, better options, than if only one side is really working on the hard stuff. And if the Republican party and the conservative movement and the conservative media are stuck in a vacuum-sealed door-locked spin cycle of telling each other what makes them feel good, and denying the factual lived truth of the world, then we are all deprived as a nation of the constructive debate between competing feasible ideas about real problems.

Last night the Republicans got shellacked. And they had no idea it was coming. And we saw them in real time, in real humiliating time, not believe it as it was happening to them. And unless they are going to secede, they are going to have to pop the factual bubble they've been so happy living inside... if they do not want to get shellacked again. And that will be a painful process for them, I'm sure, but it will be good for the whole country, left, right and center. You guys, we're counting on you. Wake up. There are real problems in the world. There are real knowable facts in the world. Let's accept those and talk about how we might approach our problems differently. Let's move on from there. If the Republican party and the conservative media are forced to do that by the humiliation they were dealt last night, we'll all be better off as a nation.

And in that spirit, congratulations everybody.

- Rachel Maddow

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If You're Surprised By The Election Results, You're The Reason You Lost, Or: A Plea for Useful Republicans.

Dear Republicans:

I know the despair you feel this morning, and sympathize, because I've been there. In 2004 my stiff, robotic millionaire lost to a President he should have soundly thumped, and I was so hurt I took a week off from the Internet afterwards. I am completely sympathetic with that slow terror that the country is now in the hands of an incompetent, and the voters don't even know it.

But I noticed a weird difference between the way Republicans and Democrats reacted to a losing candidate. In 2004, when the polls turned against Kerry and it was obvious he was going to lose, the Democrats asked "How can we fix that?" Oh, they asked in their glum, incompetent way, but when I personally talked to other Democrats both in real life and online, we were all pretty cognizant of the fact that Kerry was the underdog.

The Republicans of 2012, however, became increasingly convinced that Romney was going to win.

Everywhere I looked on Twitter and Facebook, I saw my Republican friends- not straw men, but actual people- talking about how terrible Nate Silver's methods were, how these Rasmussen polls showed Romney's real strength, and eventually you got the travesty of UnSkewedPolls.com, which cherry-picked the data and even today has their prediction of not just a Romney win but a landslide, Romney 311 to Obama 227. (Actual result: Obama 332, Romney 206.)

It all crystallized for me when my friend Brad Torgerson said, "Liberals and Democrats have Nate Silver and his 538 blog. Conservatives and Republicans have the U of CO guys. It's an epic cage match of predictive numbers geekery!"

Look there. Right at that post- one not too dissimilar from a thousand other dismissals of Nate Silver and the other aggregated polls. See what Brad did there? The way the guy bringing you news he didn't like was automatically assigned a partisan bias, and the only rational solution was to get a guy on your side with better numbers? As if reality was merely a function of getting enough guys on your side?

That's why you lost.

Stop confusing hard reality for partisan opposition.

It's time to step out of the bubble, dear Republicans, because we fucking need you. I don't trust the Democratic party to run the country single-handedly. I want a Republican party I can rely on for real solutions- and you've become lazy, voodoo-like, dismissing any data you don't like as partisan opposition.

Jay Lake is fond of saying, "Reality has a liberal bias." That's not because reality inevitably verifies liberal thinking, but because the Republican response to anything that challenges them is now to write off the data.

And let me repeat: we need you. I want a counterweight to Democratic power, not a deadweight that refuses to acknowledge the issues. I want a Republican party that will look at the numbers for climate change and not go, "I don't like what those scientists are saying, so I'll call it a silly liberal bias!" but say, "We're business experts, we know how to motivate rich people to do what we want, how do we fix this?" I want a Republican party that will realize while yes, we're spending far too much and should cut down, the results of thirty years of trickle-down theory and tax cuts won't actually provide enough revenue, because we are at the lowest effective tax rates we've had in thirty years.

And yes, you can argue all my statements here. But in that, smart person, you're like a driver with an SUV in Alaska. A person with a car in Alaska is going to get stuck in the snow eventually; that's a fact. But if you have an SUV, you're gonna get stuck way the heck out in the woods where no one can get at you, because you have the strength to do it and won't stop when common sense tells you to. I had a ton of Very Smart friends dissecting all the reasons why Nate Silver was wrong, why his methodology sucked, why these pollsters who said what they liked over here had better ways of slicing the data- and all that flurry of so-called "facts" amounted to was an elaborate justification of personal biases that had no basis in reality.

It's time to stop fighting the obvious. It's time to stop assuming that anyone who presents contradictory data is out to get you.

You should have won, guys. You had a President with an economy in the doldrums, a guy who'd lost a lot of his electoral mojo in the realities of politics. But instead of rising from the grave, you chose a candidate who never actually gave us firm numbers on what expenses he'd cut to fix the economy. You chose a candidate who said he'd get rid of Obamacare, but never actually named the parts he'd destroy. You chose someone who, though all politicians lie, lied a lot more than almost any modern Presidential candidate.

You had a guy who should have sliced Obama to ribbons- and he lost, in large part, because he said, "Trust me" instead of giving us a plan. And you let him get away with it.

You let him get away with it because you're indulging in a great deal of magical thinking. You let him get away with it because facts have ceased to matter; as long as someone tells you something you want to hear, you'll find a way to justify it with pseudo-science and trust and spit and baling wire. You don't like to hear how bad a candidate Mitt was, because you came so close this year, but it's true; the problem is that so much of the country has abandoned listening to reality that you can get massive votes and never touch a fact.

If you can't be honest today, in the aftermath of this great defeat, then you're never going to see the truth.

If you seriously thought that Romney had a good chance of winning, then you're part of the problem. Wake up. I implore you: learn from this. Look at your deepest beliefs, and see whether the numbers support them. Start thinking, maybe those people with data I don't like are right.

If you think the lesson to be learned is "We weren't conservative enough," then you're handing me a great victory in 2016. I want to have a real choice then.

Love,
T.F. (The Ferret)

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Megyn Kelly teaches Karl Rove the power of scientific gobbledygook.

"If only President Bush could have been so lucky as to have a massive hurricane on his watch, then... oh, right..."

It's just arithmetic.

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Categories: Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Chick-fil-A, Daily Show, Elections, Fox News, Hypocrisy, Jon Stewart, Karl Rove, Megyn Kelly, Mitt Romney, Nate Silver, News Media, Politics, Rachel Maddow, Sarah Palin, The Ferret, YouTube

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Forget economic policy, stances on social issues, lying and flip-flopping. On June 28, 2007 I realized I could never support this man.

Compassion for animals is intimately connected with goodness of character; and it may be confidently asserted that he who is cruel to animals cannot be a good man.
-Arthur Schopenhauer

I predict no politician will ever tie a dog to the roof of his car again.
-KGB

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Categories: Elections, Mitt Romney, Quotes of the day

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‎Governor, we also have fewer horses and bayonets because the nature of our military has changed. We have these things called aircraft carriers where planes land on them. We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines. And so, the question is not a game of Battleship where we're counting ships, it's “what are our capabilities?”
Barack Obama

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Categories: Barack Obama, Elections, Mitt Romney, Politics, Quotes of the day

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From social media, collected in real time during the debate:

Elayne Boosler:

“Boca Raton.” Mouth of the Rat. Just sayin'.

Maybe Mitt could fire Iran.

Mitt: “Gender equality for the middle east.” But not for American women.

Wait. Is this a rerun?

He's gonna ask his parents for the money.

Blame the tumult of the middle east on Obama, because it started only four years ago.

Tumult, that's three! Can meshuga be far behind?

We owe China billions. They've kept us afloat. Let's threaten them!

Mali just declared war on Appleton Wisconsin.

Forget the flag pins. They should have worn squirting carnations.

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Albert Brooks:

Romney won the coin toss so the line between them is white.

Romney can see Russia from two of his houses.

Even Syria is bored with this debate.

Romney's expression says “The afterlife is going to be so tough for you.”

The Pentagon just turned to Monday Night Football.

A half hour in. What have we learned? They both don't like war and like peace. Wow.

I don't know who's winning but Iran has just gone to Def Con 4.

Okay. We're back home again. They couldn't talk foreign affairs for more than 30 minutes. That scares me.

Romney keeps bragging about the Olympics. I saw him. His figure skating was embarrassing.

This Christmas Neiman Marcus is selling maps without Israel.

Get tough on China. Make Walmart close at six.

If Romney sweats any more, I get a royalty.

Romney will call China a currency manipulator. China will laugh and sell him another flag pin.

Romney needs a binder full of kleenex.

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John Fugelsang:

It's unfair to say Mitt Romney is politicizing the tragedy of Benghazi when he's actually exploiting it.

“The only way to deal with your enemy is to make him your friend.” Abraham Lincoln, appeaser.

“We can't kill our way out”- Mitt Romney. “We need to kill them.”- Mitt Romney, two minutes later

“We have to help these nations build civil societies”- Mitt Romney, previously opposed to Nation Building.

If Iran develops a nuclear weapon Romney/Ryan would respond with the strongest possible tax cuts.

Barack Obama just said the debate table was round & Mitt Romney said it's actually flat.

Mitt Romney will stand up to Iran, Syria & Putin and is also afraid to go on The View.

”Attacking me is not an agenda“ Mitt Romney, whose foreign policy plan has consisted of attacking the president on Benghazi.

Romney strongly supports gender equality in middle east; and will get back to you with his opinion on Lily Ledbetter act here.

It's fitting that Mitt Romney resembles Reed Richards from Fantastic Four as his magic power is superhuman stretching.

Mitt just said we should've been more involved in Syria & also been less involved. Those Bush aides were worth every penny.

Mitt Romney believes our government has to solve problems in Syria while letting the Free Market solve problems here.

Romney is clearly winning on making the foreign policy debate not about foreign policy

Mitt Romney just found a way to bash teachers' unions during a foreign policy debate.

I want Bob Schieffer to grab Romney by the lapels and scream “WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEBOWSKI?!”

Mitt wants to repeal Obamacare and increase the Pentagon budget to defend Israel's right to universal (health) care.

Mitt just mentioned how he balanced the budget for the Olympics, leaving out the millions in government earmarks that balanced it.

Non millionaires who voted for Bush and support Romney deserve presidents like Bush and Romney.

Hey, Mitt- If you hate our tax system and want a religious conservative government with no abortion or gay marriage, Iran is waiting for you.

Mitt Romney is ahead on impersonating Albert Brooks' flop sweat from Broadcast News.

“The tightest sanctions must be tightened.”- Mitt Romney. He said that.

Obama took out bin Laden but wait til President Romney takes out Oscar the Grouch

Somewhere in Hell Richard Nixon is embarrassed over Mitt Romney debate sweat

GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like Lucy blaming Charlie Brown for missing the football.

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Andy Borowitz:

Romney: “No one has more experience abroad than my money.”

Romney: “I would bring all female troops home in time to cook dinner.”

Both candidates' use of the numbers 1 through 5 underscores the importance of keeping Sesame Street.

If he loses, Mitt Romney has a bright future as a Clipart character.

Romney: “Across the Middle East, women are being kept in binders.”

When Romney is listening he looks exactly like my dad did when I told him a lie.

We are now discussing the most pressing foreign policy issue facing America today, the reading tests of fourth graders.

Romney: “There's no place more important to me than Israel except Ohio.”

Romney: “If the Prime Minister of Israel called me, I would do what I do whenever someone talks to me: interrupt him.”

Romney: “Not only do I believe in drones, I am one.”

Romney: “The greatest threat to the world is nuclear powered women.”

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Beachwood Reporter

Suddenly every schmo on Twitter is a foreign policy expert.

“That's a perfect segue into the next question which neither of you will answer.”

“And now, a ridiculous question that allows each of you to dispense talking points to your base.

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Bill Maher:

Trouble already: Mitt says he wants to impose sanctions on ”Romnesia“.

“Kill our way out of this mess” is the theme of every American movie not about talking animals or weddings.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground.

Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama's daughters, right?

It's good they agree armed Americans should be involved with everyone, everywhere. We loved armed intervention like Paula Dean loves butter.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground

Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy.

That's an amazingly specific number Mitt keeps pulling out of his ass, 12 million new jobs. But fellas, this is the foreign policy debate!

Jobs, teachers, education - gentlemen, please, can we get back to killing foreigners?

Bob Scheiffer, could you ask about what's IN the military budget? If people knew specifics,”I wouldn't cut nuttin'” wouldn't sound so good

I like hearing Mitt say how great he was for Massachusetts, the state that will never, ever, ever vote for him.

I can't be the only one who's surprised to find out Buster Posey is a white guy. Sorry, flipped to the game.

I've seen wider ideological differences between Jehovah's Witnesses.

Oh no he din't- Romney said his ultimate BubbleFact, “Apology Tour” right in front of the guy who NEVER WENT ON ONE.

To clarify, Mitt is for moving heaven and earth, but only in regards to mining.

You're losing, Mitt- bring up the fact that we have fewer knives and rocks than we did during the French and Indian War.

Shorter version of Romney: Me strong. Obama weak. Hulk smash.

OK Mitt, one more try: we have fewer catapults and barrels of boiling oil than we had in the crusades.

First debate, all agreed, Obama lost; second one, i say he won, but Romney not trounced. But this one? Only bubbledwellers can say Mitt won

Mitt keeps taking issue with being criticized tonight - did they tell him this is a debate?

OK, one last try: We have fewer Andrews Sisters and Ritz Brothers than we did in 1944. So glad we're done with THAT!

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Wonkette:

“The audience has taken a vow of silence.” But not celibacy, one hopes.

We are debating during the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis. This is very important, because we are painfully aware that neither of these men is a Jack Kennedy.

Cutting Obamacare, which the CBO has projected will reduce the deficit, will save money, because MAGIC.

Mitt is in favor of crippling sanctions like the ones Barry has put in place. If elected, he will have the Doctor take him back to the Bush administration to put them in place sooner, and more crippling-er.

Mittens, again with the “tumult.” Why does it sound like Yiddish when he says “tumult”?

You know all about shipping jobs overseas, don’t you Governor? BOOM!

Mitt is pretending that he can feel empathy... Brent Spiner pulled this off a lot more convincingly.

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Various fact checkers:

Politifact rated the claim that the U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force are smaller than in 1917 and 1947 “pants on fire.”

Romney wants to add $2 trillion to defense that it didn't ask for it. True.

Obama 'promised' 5.4 percent unemployment? Mostly False.

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The Onion:

Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America

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Categories: Albert Brooks, Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Elayne Boosler, Elections, John Fugelsang, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, The Beachwood Reporter, The Onion, The Wonkette

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(YouTube video in which The President of The United States offers hope to those suffering from "Romnesia")

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Categories: Barack Obama, Elections, Mitt Romney, Politics, Video, YouTube

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Categories: Barack Obama, Jimmy Fallon, Mitt Romney, Video

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Fox News is upset that empty-headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans... Perhaps you could sue them. The charge could be copyright infringement.
-Jon Stewart

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Categories: Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, Video

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One of these things is not like the other,
One of these things just doesn't belong
Can you guess which thing is not like the other
Before I finish singing this song?

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Categories: Elections, Mitt Romney, Photo of the day, Politics, Question of the day

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Jon Stewart and The Daily Show again display why they've won ten consecutive Emmy Awards.

Stewart draws disturbing comparisons between Charlie Gordon in Flowers For Algernon and Mitt's accelerating, inexorable descent into madness...

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Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, Politics, Video

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Mitt Romney's most memorable quotes, so far...

My sons are all adults and they've made decisions about their careers and they've chosen not to serve in the military and active duty and I respect their decision in that regard. One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president.

I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will.

Corporations are people, my friend.

Don't try to stop the foreclosure process. Let it run its course and hit the bottom.

I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.

If General Motors, Ford and Chrysler get the bailout that their chief executives asked for yesterday, you can kiss the American automotive industry goodbye.

I'm not concerned about the very poor.

No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised.

I should tell my story. I'm also unemployed.

We have a president, who I think is a nice guy, but he spent too much time at Harvard, perhaps. (Romney has two Harvard degrees.)

We've always encouraged young people: Take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if you have to from your parents, start a business.

I love this state. The trees are the right height.

There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. ... My job is not to worry about those people.

I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love.

I'm not sure about these cookies. They don't look like you made them. No, no. They came from the local 7/11 bakery, or whatever. (Insulting my local bakery.)

I don't manage the money that I have. In order to make sure that I didn't have a conflict of interest while I was governor or while I was considering a run for national office, I had a blind trust established. (in 2012)

The blind trust is an age-old ruse, if you will, which is to say, you can always tell the blind trust what it can and cannot do. You give a blind trust rules. (1994)

I'm not familiar precisely with what I said, but I'll stand by what I said, whatever it was.

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Categories: Mitt Romney, Politics, Quotes of the day

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It's the 21st century, and a major party Presidential nominee doesn't understand why airplane windows don't open.

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Categories: Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Questions for the Ages, Signs of the Apocalypse

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(YouTube video: Martin Short sings "It's Raining Mitt")

He likes firing people
("I like being able to fire people...")
Doesn't care about the very poor
("I'm not concerned about the very poor...")
He's wealthy and good-looking
("My name is Mitt Romney...")
Yes, that's I guy I'm for

When campaigning in the Deep South
He pretends to like eating grits
Rick Santorum's gone post-mortem 'cause
It's gonna start raining Mitt

It's raining Mitt
Holy heaven
Everyone needs a hit- of Mitt
Under Romney
There's a future in sight
Where all our trees are the right height

It's raining Mitt
What a wager
I'll make you a ten
Thousand dollar bet
So white, rich and fit
It's stormin' for a moment Mitt

President Obama
Mitt Romney says you're to blame
For too much federal spending
Though your healthcare plans look the same
I don't know economics
But when Mitt mentions income tax
Then I guess he must know something
Since his wife drives two Cadillacs
(She drives two Cadillacs!)

It's raining Mitt
I ain't lyin'
It's raining Mitt
No s**t
It's raining Mitt
Let's show the kind of Mitt that we are
And tie the dog to the roof of our car
Mitt, hallelujah
It's raining Mitt...
Good God it's raining mitt, yeah...

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Categories: David Letterman, Martin Short, Mitt Romney, Music, Politics, Video, YouTube

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"...For there are even more on the government dole than even his 49% accounts for. Like those welfare queens at ExxonMobil, AT&T, GE, et al... 250 corporations that from 2008 to 2010 got nearly a quarter trillion in tax subsidies. Although to be fair, at least ExxonMobil and AT&T give us back cheap gas and reliable cell phone service..."

"If they have success, they built it. If they failed, the government ruined it for them. If they get a break, they deserve it. If you get a break, it'a a handout and an entitlement.

It's a baffling, willfully blind cognitive dissonance...

(Watch the top of the video- you can skip the ad after a few seconds...)

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Categories: Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, News Media, Politics, Video

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Categories: Clint Eastwood, Mitt Romney, Politics, Thomas Paine

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"Mitt Romney is a political contortionist. He can shoot himself in the foot while it's still in his mouth while his head is up his ass. The exit wound is spectacular. Then for an encore, he gets the other foot."
-David Gerrold

It's why Al Gore invented the Internet:

Bill O'Reilly and Jon Stewart debate!

Fact: Of the ten states with the highest percentage of people who pay no income tax, nine are red states.

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Categories: Al Gore, Bill O'Reilly, Clint Eastwood, David Gerrold, Hillary Clinton, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, Paul Krugman, Paul Ryan, Politics, Rick Santorum, Taxes

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Andy Borowitz:

Romney is starting to make his trip to the London Olympics look like the pinnacle of modern diplomacy.

You would think Mitt Romney would be better at foreign policy given how much time his money has spent overseas.

When our embassy is attacked, we are attacked. Romney's Libya comments display the patriotism of someone who keeps his money in Switzerland.

As reprehensible as Romney's Libya comments are, it's comforting to know that he'll soon contradict them.

John Fugelsang:

The Aurora shooter was able to buy 6000 rounds of ammo on the internet and Tommy Chong went to prison for selling bongs.

I'll sign on for results-based pay for teachers the day Congress gets the same deal.

Mitt Romney has learned that "Entitlement Reform" sounds way better than "Have some more catfood, Nana."

I'd still like to know when "Wit" turned into "Snark."

Lynn Cullen:

What do you get when you take all of the vowels out of Reince Priebus' name? RNC PR BS!

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, Lynn Cullen, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Questions for the Ages, Second Amendment, Twitter

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... and today's youth know the difference...

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Categories: Barack Obama, CNN, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, MSNBC, Politics, Stephen Colbert

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Stuff that caught my eye this week:

Of course, the new Eastwood meme:

Other politics:

Family:

My son Doug and my daughter-in-law Angela

Cute animals:

Family and cute animals::

Bella keeps a stiff upper lip as she prepares to watch my granddaughter Leanna depart for the first day of fourth grade.

Miscellany:

The Jet Propulsion Laboratory Curiosity Mars Lander Team visits the cast of The Big Bang Theory:

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Categories: Animals, Barack Obama, Clint Eastwood, Dogs, Hypocrisy, KGB Family, Mitt Romney, NASA, Politics, WTF?

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I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president.
-Clint Eastwood, endorsing Harvard Law grad Romney.

We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.
-Neil Newhouse, Romney Campaign official pollster

‎"A Party too patriotic for facts... a candidate too successful for taxes... a city where flip-flops are eveningwear... from Tampa, Florida, this is The Republican National Convention..." -The Daily Show opening, 8/30/2012

I once got drunk and screamed at a couch for 15 minutes. But it wasn't televised.
-Elayne Boosler

Clint Eastwood's RNC speech was to imaginary Obama in an empty chair. I'm drafting a DNC speech to imaginary Romney in an empty factory.
-George Takei

Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope.
-Stephen Colbert

Warning: if you have a heart condition or are pregnant you should not watch. Not because of the excitement, but because you probably won't like the Republican positions on health care and reproductive rights.
-Stephen Colbert

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Categories: Clint Eastwood, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Elayne Boosler, George Takei, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert

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From David Letterman:

"Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice."

"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

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Categories: David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Quotes of the day

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The unrelenting, unchallenged mendacity that completely permeates Mitt Romney's campaign efforts prompts today's collection of quotations on lying.

A big lie is more plausible than truth.
-Ernest Hemingway

A gaffe occurs not when a politician lies, but when he tells the truth.
-Michael Kinsley

A liar in public life is a lot more dangerous than a full, paid up Communist, and I don't care who he is.
-Harry S Truman

A little lie is like a little pregnancy- it doesn't take long before everyone knows.
-C.S. Lewis

All men can be led to believe the lie they want to believe.
-Italo Bombalini

All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies.
-John Arbuthnot

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.
-E.W. Howe

Among all the world's races, some obscure Bedouin tribes possibly apart, Americans are the most prone to misinformation. This is not the consequence of any special preference for mendacity, although at the higher levels of their public administration that tendency is impressive. It is rather that so much of what they themselves believe is wrong.
-John Kenneth Galbraith

By means of shrewd lies, unremittingly repeated, it is possible to make people believe that heaven is hell- and hell heaven. The greater the lie, the more readily it will be believed.
-Adolf Hitler

Do not consider it proof just because it is written in books, for a liar who will deceive with his tongue will not hesitate to do the same with his pen.
-Maimonides

Half a truth is often a great lie.
-Benjamin Franklin

How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read.
-Karl Kraus

How many times do you get to lie before you are a liar?--Michael Josephson

How readily do we believe a lie when it fosters in us a high opinion of ourselves.
-Charles H. Spurgeon

I always divide people into two groups. Those who live by what they know to be a lie, and those who live by what they believe, falsely, to be the truth.
-Christopher Hampton

I believe all Southern liberals come from the same starting point- race. Once you figure out they are lying to you about race, you start to question everything.
-Molly Ivins

I don't believe the Democrats or Republicans are lying to us. I think that every dirty, rotten, lowdown thing they say about each other is true.
-A. Ray Lambson

I have been thinking that I would make a proposition to my Republican friends... that if they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.
-Adlai E. Stevenson II

I have never used an illegal drug in my life. Also, I have never told a lie.
-Tom Lehrer

I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.
-P.J. O'Rourke

If forty million people say a foolish thing it does not become a wise one, but the wise man is foolish to give them the lie.
-W. Somerset Maugham

If you begin by saying, “Thou shalt not lie,” there is no longer any possibility of political action.
-Jean-Paul Sartre

In politics, a lie unanswered becomes truth within 24 hours.
-San Francisco Mayor Willie L. Brown, Jr.

It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
-Jerome K. Jerome

It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
-Arthur Calwell

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
-H.L. Mencken

It is sometimes necessary to lie damnably in the interests of the nation.
-Hilaire Belloc

It's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude.
-Alexander Haig

Liars can mask their lies, but no man can put on the look of simple honesty.
-John Gardner

Loyalty to your country should never require you to lie about it.
- Joseph Sobran

Lying is an elementary means of self-defense.
-Susan Sontag

Lying is the same as alcoholism. Liars prevaricate even on their deathbeds.
-Anton Chekhov

Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.
- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
-Tim Allen

Men hate those to whom they have to lie.
-Victor Hugo

My father had a deep and lifelong contempt for politicians in general. “They tell lies,” he used to say with wonder, “even when they don't have to.”--Gore Vidal

Never ask a question when you know the answer is going to be a lie.
- Chuck Lorre

No one ever lies. People often do what they have to do to make to make their story sound right.
-William Ginsberg (Monica Lewinsky's lawyer)

People do not believe lies because they have to, but because they want to.
-Malcolm Muggeridge

Political language- and with variations this is true of all political parties, from Conservatives to Anarchists- is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.
-George Orwell

Reason is poor propaganda when opposed by the yammering, unceasing lies of shrewd and evil and self-serving men.
-Robert A. Heinlein

Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth.
-Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

The average between a lie and the truth is still a lie.
-Walter Mears

The best time to listen to a politician is when he's on a stump on a street corner in the rain late at night when he's exhausted. Then he doesn't lie.
-Theodore H. White

The cruelest lies are often told in silence.
-Robert Louis Stevenson

The first thing a man will do for his ideals is lie.
-Joseph A. Schumpeter

The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie- deliberate, contrived and dishonest- but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.
-John F. Kennedy

The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.
-George Bernard Shaw

The man who fears no truths has nothing to fear from lies.
-Thomas Jefferson

The men the American people admire most extravagantly are the most daring liars; the men they detest most violently are those who try to tell the truth.
-H.L. Mencken

The more lies are told, the more important it becomes for the liars to justify themselves by deep moral commitments to high-sounding objectives that mask the pursuit of money and power.
-Bertram Gross

The polygraph looks for abrupt increases in heart rate, blood pressure and perspiration. The polygraph is, therefore, a highly reliable detector of orgasms. But does it detect lies? Only if you're lying about having an orgasm.
-Robert Park

The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity.
-Andre Gide

The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.
-Andre Malraux

The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head.
-Terry Pratchett

There are people who lie simply for the sake of lying.
-Blaise Pascal

There is no point in asking a man a question until you have established whether he has any reason to lie to you.
-Ken Follet

There is no worse lie than a truth misunderstood by those who hear it.
-William James

They say that in the end truth will triumph, but it's a lie.
-Anton Chekhov

They should have picked a different city to name after a man who reputedly never told a lie.
-Doug Larson

Under current law, it is a crime for a private citizen to lie to a government official, but not for the government official to lie to the people.
- Donald M. Fraser

Well, sure, the government lies, and the newspapers lie. But in a democracy, they aren't the same lies.
-Alexis A. Gilliland

When two opposite points of view are expressed with equal intensity, the truth does not necessarily lie exactly halfway between them. It is possible for one side to be simply wrong.
-Richard Dawkins

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Categories: Mitt Romney, Quotes of the day

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Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.
-Jay Leno

Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful.
-Jay Leno

The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.
-Jay Leno

To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole.'
-Jay Leno

A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'
-Conan O'Brien

There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called politics.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.
-Jay Leno

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
-Jay Leno

Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.
-Conan O'Brien

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.
-Conan O'Brien

Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.
-Jimmy Fallon

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
-David Letterman

And a collection from the prolific Andy Borowitz:

US politics: the opposite of the Olympics. Every 4 years, billions of dollars are spent to show humans at their worst.

I worry that all the pomp and excitement of the Olympics is making the world forget that Kristen cheated on Rob.

Romney: "The Israelis love me. They've even given me a neat nickname: Mittshugenah."

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin was not ready to be VP, according to We Know That Already, Dumbass magazine.

Romney: "I don't mind that the British keep saying I'm a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a W?"

Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen.

If the Internet is any guide, the two things pro-gun people hate most are 1) background check and 2) spell check.

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Mitt Romney, Olympics, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Sarah Palin

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AP Headline: "In sweeping indictment, Romney says Obama threatens US security"

Romney promises to keep US secrets safe: offshore, in the same vault where he stores his tax returns.

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Categories: Headline of the day, KGB Opinion, Mitt Romney

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Mitt Romney was promised that he'd get the majority of delegates in the GOP primaries and would be the presumptive nominee. The guy with the ruddy complexion, sulfurous b.o. and pointed prehensile tail didn't actually say he'd get the nomination. Always read the small print before you sign anything, Mittens. Especially in blood. (Wasn't a variation of this an old Twilight Zone episode?)

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The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are uncertain.
-Kevin G. Barkes

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Expect a resolution in short order to the Viacom-DirecTV dispute. My mother discovered yesterday that Jon Stewart's Daily Show was missing from her DVR. She was not amused, and called me prior to phoning DirecTV's customer service line. I think she just wanted to be certain that I was in town if she needed bail money. There are stiff penalties for using that kind of language on the telephone, even if you're an 85-year-old retired teacher with a vocabulary that spans two languages and can cause sailors to blush in either.

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Speaking of DirecTV and The Daily Show, the program's staff constantly updated the satellite provider's customers on Twitter with Viacom shows they were missing during the blackout:

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Latest episode of Spike TV's "World's Fullest Bras."

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Teen Grandmom Season Premier!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Nazis vs. Martians on Deadliest Warrior. Go Nazis!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ On Centric, that Soul Train Line dance your uncle was in.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ "Harlan Oaklee's Meth Kitchen" premiere on Spike TV.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Rick Astley and Adam Ant host VH-1's "Hits of the Reagan Era" special.

#OnViacomRightNow‬ The cast of "Real World: St. Thomas" clean their house and treat each other like human beings. Once in a lifetime, people!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Roseanne puts special surprise in the LunchBox's loose meat on TV Land. Meanwhile, Darlene broods.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Snooki tells Jersey Shore housemates she's pregnant, switches to white wine.

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Also on Twitter, a Tea Party member called Keith Olberman a "douchback." Better than being a humpbag, I guess.

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Andy Borowitz was on a roll, as well:

Judging from Internet comments, the only thing the right wing hates more than healthcare is spelling.

Having your movie attacked by Rush Limbaugh is like having your movie attacked by an obese drug addict.

McCain: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better, because she had never heard of Switzerland."

I had never heard of Yahoo's new CEO, so I Googled her.

John McCain calls Obama's 1st term "the worst thing I've ever observed." I guess he didn't watch Katie Couric's interview with his VP pick.

To celebrate National Karma Day, a pack of wild dogs just strapped Mitt Romney to the roof of a car.

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Bonus birthday quotes of the day- Hunter S. Thompson:

Hunter Stockton Thompson (July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005) was an American journalist and author. He first came to popular attention with the publication of Hell's Angels: The Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs (1966), although the work he remains best known for is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1971), which was first serialised in Rolling Stone magazine.

Thompson became a counter cultural figure as the creator of "Gonzo Journalism," an experimental style of reporting where reporters involve themselves in the action to such a degree that they become central figures of their stories. He had an inveterate hatred of Richard Nixon, who he claimed represented "that dark, venal, and incurably violent side of the American character" and who he characterised in what many consider to be his best book, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail (1972). He was known also for his lifelong use of alcohol and illegal drugs; his love of firearms and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism.

While suffering a bout of health problems, he committed suicide in 2005 at the age of 67.

The full Wikipedia article on Thompson is available here.

A collection of Thompson quotes from the KGB Quotations Database is available here.

"I was also drunk, crazy and heavily armed at all times. People trembled and cursed when I came into a public room and started screaming in German"
-Hunter S. Thompson

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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Daily Show, Hunter S. Thompson, Jon Stewart, KGB Family, KGB Opinion, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Quotes of the day

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