Mitch Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
A rotisserie is a morbid Ferris Wheel for chickens.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I love my Fed-Ex guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, ”Dude, you have to wait.“
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music,” as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.”
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, “Here's a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as the wall.
This shirt is “dry-clean only”... which means it's dirty.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
Categories: Mitch Hedberg, Quotes of the day
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