KGB Report

Giving my 19-year-old cat catnip is like trying to get your grandma drunk.

It's a couple years old, but I just stumbled across the ten-year reunion concert of the cast of the 2003 movie School of Rock. Jack Black is recognizable, but the kids have all grown up.

I've given up on the Theory of Gravity, and now believe in Intelligent Falling.

The arrogance of the young is a direct result of not having known enough consequences. The turkey that every day greedily approaches the farmer who tosses him grain is not wrong. It is just that no one ever told him about Thanksgiving.
-Harry Golden

Best read of the day: two classic Jimmy Breslin columns on the death of JFK.

Related: Two other great men died on November 22, 1963.

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ilovedogs

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iloveharrisburgdogs

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Cute. And it's real. Wonder if The Covert Comic is involved.?

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You don't see faith healers working in hospitals for the same reason you don't see psychics winning the lottery.
-Unattributed

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Daughter-in-law Angela introduces granddaughter Joelle to the wonders of Kennywood Park.

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You are not your big toe.

Much the same way you may notice pressure on your big toe and your toe may feel uncomfortable, you may notice distressing or uncomfortable thoughts, but that does not mean that you are distressed.

It may seem like strange advice, but do not believe everything you think. Thoughts impact how you feel, and, in turn, feelings impact your behavior. But, ultimately thoughts cannot make you do anything and do not define who you are. The better you can become at being aware of your thoughts and simply labeling them ("I'm having the thought…), the better you can recognize them for what they are- just thoughts.
-Clayton Cook

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At this point if Obama rescues a puppy from a burning building the puppy will be accused of having rabies.
-Andy Borowitz

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For the life of me I cannot fathom why we expect so much from teachers and provide them so little in return. In 1940, the average pay of a male teacher was actually 3.6 percent more than what other college-educated men earned. Today it is 60 percent lower. Women teachers now earn 16 percent less than other college-educated women. This bewilders me. … There was no Plato without Socrates, and no John Coltrane without Miles Davis.
-Bill Moyer

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73 percent of those enrolled in the country’s major public benefits programs are, in fact, from working families- just in jobs whose paychecks don’t cover life’s basic necessities. McDonald’s workers alone receive $1.2 billion in federal assistance per year.
-www.thenation.com

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I always thought the brass section's errors in James Horner's main theme to Roger Corman's Battle Beyond the Stars were cost-related; studio musicians sight-reading, only enough time for two or three takes. Then I started listening to other versions, including the Prague Philharmonic's. (They're noted for their competent- if uninspired- covers of motion picture scores.) A train wreck. Actually, two train wrecks: a minor one at the beginning, and in the end title reprise, the brass section more or less gives up, unable to complete the unrelenting 8-bar, 192-note bridge to the main fanfare.

It turns out this was Horner's first motion picture score, and he apparently forgot that horn players actually need to breathe once in a while. Filmtracks.com said the piece "was simply too complex for the musicians to perform."

Horner borrowed a lot from this score in what many consider to best effort, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. He'd learned his lesson, though. He reassigned most of the lung-busting stuff to the string section, and let the French horns come up for air every two bars or so.

The other day I stumbled across a site selling the piano sheet music for the Battle Beyond the Stars main theme. The description notes, "there are a couple of measures which feature out of reach notes which have been left in the transcription as they better support the piece, and can be omitted or included at the performer’s discretion."

Below is a link to the theme- with the unreachable notes- produced on a midi synthesizer. It's probably the only way you'll ever be able to hear it, as written, with no performance errors. And note how much Horner reuses many of these phrases in his later work.

Battle Beyond the Stars main theme, performed on a midi piano synthesizer.

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June is National Accordion Awareness Month. National Carpenter Ant Awareness Week starts June 22. Some problems tend to solve themselves.
-Zay Smith, "QT"

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@LOLGOP:

If Republicans don't like how Democrats end their wars, they should stop leaving us so many losing wars.

Climate change and homsexuality are myths we can wish away but we should trust Wall Street to regulate itself.

You'll know the GOP gets they've lost on marriage equality when they start demanding mandatory ultrasounds before same-sex marriages.

I guess it's pretty easy to judge deserters when the closest you've come to combat is shooting wolves from a helicopter.
-@GuyEndoreKaiser

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And... the desktop is clean.
--KGB

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From TL;DR Wikipedia:

A jacuzzi is a brand of whirlpool bathtub containing underwater jets designed to therapeutically massage the user with warm streams of bacteria.

Pandora is an internet radio website that allows users to listen to everything but the song they actually want to hear.

Greece is Europe's Detroit

Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (O.C.D) is getting really upset that there's no period after the D in the first part of this sentence.

Pennsylvania is the space between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

1040EZ is an IRS form that sums up how alone, childless, and poor you are in one easy document.

The Watergate Scandal was a major political scandal wherein President Richard Nixon had the audacity to wiretap fellow politicians instead of regular U.S. citizens.

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There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.
-Jodi Picoult

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If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you're probably wasting your time.
-The Covert Comic

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Why history is important:

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Note to self: When I'm writing with voice recognition software, DO NOT TALK TO THE CATS.
-@GretaChristina

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New Georgia state slogan: "We make Florida look safe!"
-Andy Borowitz

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There's a young rabbit in our back yard who has decided to nest in the stand of tall grass. But he also wanders around in the open. Before I can let the dogs out, I have to check that he's not visible; and if he is, I have to scare him into a secure location. The shelties don't pick up on his scent, but Pixie, the small dog-like creature (aka Shih Tzu) goes immediately to the tall grass and starts tracking. I have to watch her so I can call them back in just before she picks up the scent of his current hiding place.

I hope that dumb bunny develops some smarts, and soon. There are hawks and other raptors about, and one of these days they're going to spot him sunning himself.

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Why spelling is important:

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AOL email has been hacked, so if anyone from 1994 gets this tweet, change your password.
-@pourmecoffee

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Sometimes unconditional love goes both ways.
Nice boots, too.

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Conservatives don’t like safety nets because they allegedly make people lazy and careless. But what about safety nets for top executives who fail? Yahoo's recent decision to pay its chief operating officer $96 million for 15 months of work before firing him is just the latest example of handsome rewards for failure in corporate suites.

At least safety nets for the poor help those in need. Safety nets for corporate executives give them no reason to work hard because even when they fail they can vastly increase their wealth. One way to discourage these is to prevent corporations from deducting generous executive severance payments from their taxable incomes.
-Robert Reich

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It's an accepted fact that hot dogs contain insects and rodent hair, but Kraft is recalling 96,000 lbs. because they have cheese in them.
-@PaulaPoundstone

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Ironically, "Cliven Bundy" is what Jerry Lewis yells when he's startled by a black person.

At this point, we're all just waiting for Cliven Bundy to yell "Kansas City faggots!" and ride an A-bomb into the sun.
-@PattonOswalt

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Granddaughter Leanna is a straight A student, loves math, is a compulsive reader, studies martial arts and archery. I think she's going to be a superhero when she grows up.

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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Upon reflection, is was kind of obvious Lex Luthor was in the bunny suit.

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This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny.
–Conan O'Brien

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You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
-@BillMurray

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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
-@ChevyChase

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Note to self: Telling your Facebook friends that their auras are actually invisible because they don't exist makes them not like you.
-@hemantmehta

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An example of Facebook's state-of-the-art subject matching software.

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50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour...And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?
–Bill Maher

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I can never tell if CNN is engaging in self parody or if they're just dumb.

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Last month, over 200,000 jobs were created in the United States. And that doesn't count this one.
–David Letterman

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People should announce they'll be a grandma the old-fashioned way-- by leaking that their teen daughter is pregnant the night before the RNC.
-LOLGOP

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Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
-@ScottWesterfield

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70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.
-@BillMurray

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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McDonalds closes in Crimea. Actually, this is serious. The United States has never gone to war with a country that had an operating McDonalds.

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You can't legally own a hedgehog in Pennsylvania.

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REMINDER: Though the Supreme Court says there is no difference, your servers prefer you tip in actual money rather than "speech."
-@LOLGOP

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Saturday Night Live's parody of Fox and Friends included "a list of corrections from our first hour":
-Captain America was never a U.S. President.
-Lifesavers aren't medicine.
-The periodic table is not about "lady stuff."
-You can not abbreviate the Supreme Court to spell SCROTUM.
-Hong Kong is a region in China. Not a video game from Nintendo.
-Malaysia is not the female version of Asia.
-Chicklets do not grow up to be roosters.
-Chris Christie was never in the show "Three's Company."
-Infinity pools have a limited amount of water.
-Garfunkel is not Garfield's black cousin. -The Chile Earthquake is not a bold new product from Dairy Queen.
-Captain Phillips is not a brand of rum.
-Marvin Gaye liked women.
-Nancy Pelosi is a human woman.
-God loves figs.
-Noah is not "found footage."

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All the great buzz about Captain America has convinced me that I need to drop everything and watch it on cable next year.
-@FrankConniff

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In the spring of 1967, 47(!) years ago, Patricia Pugh, John Krause and I represented Homestead Junior High School in the KDKA/Pittsburgh Press spelling bee.

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I have to believe the Supreme Court is working for tips now.
-@ElayneBoosler

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Pixie is an 11 month old Shih Tzu, which supposedly is Mandarin Chinese for "lion," but should be "strange, small, dog-like creature." Sassafras (a corruption of the Latin saxifrage, or "rock-breaker") is a ten year old Shetland Sheepdog. In human years, they're roughly 16 and 60 years old.
"But Dad says we're from the same litter."
"In your dreams, kid."

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There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

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Pittsburgh radio legend Clarke Ingram noted the above happened 50 years ago this month, and hasn't been duplicated by any other artist or group.

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So, Letterman's retiring. Wonder if Leno is available?

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Wonderful YouTube video featuring SPCA of Wake County and Queen.

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Headline of the week:
"Willie Nelson’s armadillo returned
after being kidnapped in Las Vegas"

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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Can you imagine if CNN was on the air when Titanic sank?
-@AlbertBrooks

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Can't print what I'm trying to print, but I accidentally printed 4 pages that say, 'Congratulations! You've successfully setup your printer.'
-@PaulaPoundstone

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While you're mocking the people who thought "Noah" was a documentary you fail to realize "Idiocracy" really was one.
-@JohnFugelsang

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Anyone ever been to a corporate baptism?
-@lizzwinstead

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Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.
-The Covert Comic

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Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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That's right, Putin doesn't have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it.
–Jimmy Fallon

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If you're a Douglas Adams fan, you must watch this.

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Ignore the snow. Spring has officially arrived in South Park, Pennsylvania.

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Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They're calling it a 'conscious uncoupling.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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She ran out of toner.

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Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the 'Bling Bishop' after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a 'conscious unbishopping.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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One of President Obama's secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it's spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea.
–Conan O'Brien

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Canine/Feline Furry Infinity

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The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.
–Conan O'Brien

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After playing clips of MSNBC's Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow stating they would not run purely speculative stories about the lost Malaysian jetliner, unlike CNN and Fox, Jon Stewart commented:

"You know, Sherman and Mister Peabody are right..."

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In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.
–Conan O'Brien

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In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile.
–Conan O'Brien

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Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It's expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say 'Yes, I am 18.'
–Seth Meyers

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It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia.
–David Letterman

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Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys.
–David Letterman

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President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman.
–David Letterman

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First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken.
–David Letterman

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A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama's visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel's hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they're just hung over.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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Toronto held the first mayoral debate of 2014 tonight. Rob Ford faced four challengers. When Rob Ford ran for mayor in 2010, his slogan was 'Stop the gravy train.' Then he realized he loves gravy. And you need a train to get it there.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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This is the difference between our countries. None of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. They let Mayor Ford say over and over again that he's the only candidate with a proven track record. He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany, Political Jokes of the Week

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The name doesn't help, either. Marcellus Shale sounds like a villain in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

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"Y'know, someone should bury Caesar." -Doug Elrod

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The Google timer has returned.

Go to google.com and type:

set timer X time period
(seconds, minutes, or hours):

set timer 1 hour 2 minutes 3 seconds

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According to the Department of Agriculture, one in six men eat pizza every day. The other five eat yesterday's pizza.
-Stephen Colbert

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26% of Americans think the sun revolves around the earth.

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"It is becoming increasingly clear to judges that if they rule against same-sex marriage their grandchildren will regard them as bigots."
-Andrew M. Koppelman
A law professor at Northwestern, on why courts are backing away from bans on gay marriage.

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Carl Jung invented the word "lethologica" to describe the state of not being able to remember the word you want to use. Is not being able to remember the word lethologica an example of recursion?

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I can communicate through a series of short & long groans & sighs. It's called 'morose code'.
-Robb Allen, @ItsRobbAllen (h/t David Kifer, alt.quotations)

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Somewhat alarmed to discover some teens don't recognize "Uncle Sam," I checked with my daughter about my soon to be 11 year old granddaughter's status:

KGB: Does Lea know who Uncle Sam is?

Sara: Oh, I think she would.

KGB: Ask her when convenient.

Sara: She said yes, it's the guy pointing and saying "I want you."

KGB: Excellent. Our nation is in good hands.

Sara: She said "Yes. Yes, it is."

Can't argue with that...>

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"I give them a year."
-Ray Bloch, musical director for "The Ed Sullivan Show," on the Beatles, when they made their first live appearance on American television 50 years ago.

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"Ah, hell. Let's call Froot Loops what they really are: Gay Cheerios."
-Bill Maher

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Those who feel that humans are essentially good and altruistic have never read the comment sections on YouTube.

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I actually used to date a girl named Christie Benghazi, so it's funny for me now when I flip between those two channels.
-John Fugelsang

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The Star Trek Facepalm collection, although I don't think Spock actually qualifies.

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“If we came from monkeys then why are there still monkeys?”

Let me ask you this: If you came from parents, why are there still parents?

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"Fortunes have been lost underestimating Jay Leno."
-Lorne Michaels

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Harrison Ford, Jay Leno, KGB Family, KGB Opinion, Linked In, Michael Collins, Miscellany, NASA, Star Trek, YouTube

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THREE DOG NIGHT- Although, with Pixie the Shih Tzu puppy, it's probably more accurate to call it a "Two Dog and One Small Dog-Like Creature Night."

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The President said we must stay vigilant against foreign threats...yet Justin Bieber remains a free man.
-Bill Maher

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Damn. I just wrote year of the snake on a check.

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St. Peter can tell which new arrivals are from Pittsburgh because when they go toward the light at the end of the tunnel they slow down.

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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot."

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Daughter-in-law Angela with my granddaughter Joelle.

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Maybe if we all e-mail the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

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Categories: Bill Maher, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, KGB Family, Miscellany, NSA, Pittsburgh, U.S. Constitution

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Granddaughters Joelle and Lea. Joelle appears to be thinking, "I don't mind the sleepover business, but she's touching my bear."

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Rep. Steve Pearce (R-NM) on marriage between a man and a woman:

'The wife is to voluntarily submit, just as the husband is to lovingly lead and sacrifice. The husband’s part is to show up during the times of deep stress, take the leadership role and be accountable for the outcome, blaming no one else.'

To be fair, it sounds better in the original Klingon.

-Zay N. Smith

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I'm a non-violent kind of guy, but I sincerely believe anyone who uses the word 'whilst' should be soundly thrashed.

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"Secret formulas" abound on social media for wondrous cleaning solutions you can make in your home.

Don't waste your time.

Homemade whatevers - rug cleaner, spot remover, detergent - all contain just one real, active ingredient: dishwashing liquid. That's it. Period. Be especially wary of the ones which include both vinegar and baking soda. When mixed, the acetic acid in the vinegar and the baking soda react to form carbonic acid and sodium acetate. Carbonic acid sounds impressive, but all it really is carbonated water. And when it stops fizzing, it's because all the carbon dioxide has escaped from the mixture. Take the carbon dioxide out of carbonic acid, and you have... water. So you're left with just water and sodium acetate. Sodium acetate is a nifty chemical, with lots of uses- but cleaning ain't one of them. Just just save yourself the trouble and just use the soap and water.

(Courtesy of the late George Kraynick, my sophomore chemistry teacher.)

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Ok, maybe it is a real dog and pony show...

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I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm right.
-Bill Murray

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Funeral home directors: when the only phrase in a death notice that appears in initial caps and within quotation marks is "Dear Wife", you're sending a mixed message...

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"It was the first kiss between an African-American woman and a white Canadian in a toupee."
-Craig Ferguson (describing Nichelle Nichols and William Shatner in the original Star Trek tv series.)

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"Kraft has recalled over 1.7 million pounds of Velveeta products for mis-labeled ingredients. They accidentally called it 'cheese'."
-Stephen Colbert

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Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.
-Bill Murray

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Am I supposed to feel safer because corporations, not terrorists, are blowing up fertilizer plants, drowning towns in oil, and poisoning the water?
-@TheDailyEdge

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It's a girl my Lord
In a flatbed Ford
Slowing down to do
Some misandry
(from Twitter)

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Agnostic apathetic isolationist.
I don't know. I don't care. Go away.

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I'm no scientist, but legalizing marijuana in your state seems to cause immediate football superiority.
-@j_mccarter

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Granddaughter Joelle takes the term "menu sampler" literally.
(With her mom, Angela, and senior granddaughter Leanna.)

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Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.
-The Covert Comic

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Categories: Animals, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, KGB Family, Miscellany

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Conversation at the store:

"You should really stock more cat litter this time of year."

"You mean for people to keep in their cars for traction?"

"Yeah, and the cats drink more when they're depressed."

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How to tell if your cat is fully charged.

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(via PostSecret.)
Dr. Phil, or the viewer?
Either way works.

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I intend to keep my New Year resolutions for 2014. The first? Switch to the Gregorian calendar. Which gives me an extra ten days...

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"Grudge Match" stars three Oscar winners and a two-time Oscar nominee in a tale of two old men who beat the hell out of each other to settle a 30-year dispute. You already know if you want to see it.
-Odie Henderson

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Unbeknownst to most theologians, there was a
fourth wiseman, who was turned away
for bringing a fruitcake.

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I am tired of headlines and tv news teases telling me how I'm going to react to a story. That's not your job. I've been around a long time. Odds are I will believe what happened, and I won't be moved to tears, especially since you've given me advance warning. And you're right, I never guess what the story is. I just turn off the television or leave Facebook and read the real news.

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better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) { be good; }

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I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

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No one knows how to use apostrophes, but everyone knows how to spell "Roethlisberger."

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It's easy to blame others for your mistakes. Seriously. Try it.

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From someecards, "when you care enough to hit send."

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany, Snrk, someecards

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Google, Miscellany

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Pumpkin and Chloe share a bed.
In related news, Hell has frozen over.

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I don't think granddaughter Joelle is buying
the whole dancing sugarplums visions thing.

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Categories: Cats, Cleaning off the desktop, Congress, KGB Family, Miscellany

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It's surprising what pops up on Google...

It's U.S. Patent #7,249,057 B2, issued July 24, 2007: "Product Information Supplying Method, Product Information Acquiring Method, Product Information Registering Method And Recording Medium," and the description is equally enlightening:

"There is provided a product information supply method for supplying a user who desires to purchase a product with proper information about a related product that could be bought in combination with the product, so that the user is assisted in purchasing products. Registration of combination information to be supplied to the user is made with a database managed by a service provider server by a person who has bought the above product by means of a registration page so that a lot of combination information is accumulated in the database. The registered information includes not only information specifying a combinable product but also information about the effects of the combination and the ways of using products in combination. The database is searched in response to inquiry information from the user who makes reference to a page of products. Thus, corresponding combination information is extracted from the database and is sent to the user."

I'm no expert in intellectual property law, but- this is something patentable? A database of related products, with the added twist of returning information on "effects of the combination and the ways of using products in combination." You mean like peanut butter and jelly? Gin and tonic? Water and Alka-Seltzer tablets?

Even more puzzling is the reference to one of my old DEC Professional DCL Dialogue columns. It deals with referrals and recommendations for computer hardware and software, but its relevance to this patent eludes me. You can read the column here.

Other stuff that passed across the desktop this week:

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Computers, Holidays, Miscellany, Star Trek, Technology, WTF?

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While the "War on Christmas" people are irritating, the no-tolerance, politically-correct clan are equally vexatious. I wrote this six years ago, and send it to people of the latter persuasion who irritate me:

I offer, without obligation -either explicit or implicit- my forthright felicitations and sincere wishes that the coming weeks, which may- dependent upon your unique and personal ideological perspective, encompass a series of deistically oriented and/or telluric events with which you may, or may not, at your sole and unilateral discretion, associate either substantial or inconsequential significance, transpire in a manner through which you achieve or transcend your expectations, should you possess them.

You weasels.

(KGB's Weasel Words All-Purpose December Holiday Card)

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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Son Douglas and granddaughter Joelle enjoy a quiet Sunday morning.

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WASHINGTON — The Federal Communications Commission on Thursday released its first smartphone app, a free program that allows consumers to measure the broadband speed they are getting on their mobile devices and to determine whether it is as fast as wireless companies say.
 
Gee, wonder what else it can do?

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A group of eleventh graders from Homestead High School, Homestead, PA, in the fall of 1969. Believe it or not, I'm one of them.

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This past Friday, November 15, marked the start of my 23rd year of residence here at Dr. Barkes' 3-D House of Shedding Fur and Domestic Bliss, which has, since those halcyon days of the early 90s, sheltered scores of fish, eleven dogs, four cats, and three pairs of children, grandchildren, and spouses. And that's just the interior.

Positioned as we are next a wooded area bordering a 3,000 acre county park, there's an endless parade of indigenous fauna. They effortlessly ignore the fence surrounding the back yard as they go about their daily routines. Some actively reside within its confines. I see deer almost daily, and groundhogs, rabbits, chipmunks, squirrels, and skunks from April through November.

Surprisingly, I had never encountered a raccoon until last week. It did not end well.

The dogs were frantically barking at the far end of the yard. They had the poor little fella surrounded.

When you see a raccoon during the day, there's something amiss. This guy was, fortunately, sitting quietly and not responding to the two adult shelties and one shih tzu puppy surrounding him. I got the dogs back into the house and quickly checked them out. They had no bite marks or scratches, which was a relief. While they all are current on their rabies vaccinations, they would still have had to be quarantined if they had been bitten. Relieved, I called the township and within ten minutes a personable South Park police officer arrived.

"This doesn't look good," the officer said as we approached the animal. "A healthy raccoon would run away from us." He picked up a fallen branch and gently poked the raccoon in the side. No reaction. The officer sighed, took out his can of pepper spray, and delivered a short blast. The raccoon slowly turned his back to us, but otherwise didn't move.

"Do you have a couple plastic garbage bags and a shovel?" he asked. I nodded. "Please get them."

I walked back up the yard. Halfway to the house, I heard the discharge. I returned and the officer bagged the small, inert form. It was clean shot at point blank range. The little guy hadn't felt a thing.

It was a series of firsts: first raccoon, first police officer in the back yard, first firearm on the property. The first, and, I sincerely hope, the last.

Vaya con Dios, pequeño mapache.

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Categories: Animals, Cleaning off the desktop, Dogs, Miscellany

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There must have been a disturbance in the force.

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Categories: Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany

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Notice what isn't on this box of ice cream sandwiches? The words "ice cream." And Drumsticks are not ice cream cones- just "cones."

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I thought he seemed familiar...

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From The New Yorker

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Categories: Cartoons, Miscellany

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With no support in the Senate and the guarantee of a presidential veto, House Republicans and Tea Partiers vote to approve spending only if the Affordable Care Act is delayed for one year and a tax on the manufacture of medical devices is killed, effectively insuring the shutdown of most of the Federal government.

Ironically, the Affordable Care Act insurance exchanges are not affected, and will open on Tuesday.

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Categories: Miscellany

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End of the week desktop cleanup...

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The iPhone’s fingerprint lock also works with toes and nipples

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Categories: Miscellany

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