The Daily Show with Jon Stewart hits another one out of the park.
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Quotes of the day- Robert Green Ingersoll:
Robert Green Ingersoll (August 11, 1833 – July 21, 1899) was a Civil War
veteran, American political leader, and orator during the Golden Age of
Freethought, noted for his broad range of culture and his defense of
agnosticism.
Click here for Rev. Don Beaudreault's sermon, "Thank God for Agnostics: A Celebration of the Life of Robert Ingersoll.
A college is a place where pebbles are polished and diamonds dimmed.
An argument should not depend for its force upon the name of its author. Facts need no pedigree, logic has no heraldry, and the living should not awed by the mistakes of the dead.
An infinite God ought to be able to protect himself, without going in partnership with State Legislatures. Certainly he ought not so to act that laws become necessary to keep him from being laughed at. No one thinks of protecting Shakespeare from ridicule, by the threat of fine and imprisonment.
Blasphemy is what an old mistake says of a newly discovered truth.
Christianity has such a contemptible opinion of human nature that it does not believe a man can tell the truth unless frightened by a belief in God. No lower opinion of the human race has ever been expressed.
Churches are becoming political organizations... It probably will not be long until the churches will divide as sharply upon political, as upon theological questions; and when that day comes, if there are not liberals enough to hold the balance of power, this Government will be destroyed. The liberty of man is not safe in the hands of any church. Wherever the Bible and sword are in partnership, man is a slave.
Courage without conscience is a wild beast.
Each nation has created a god, and the god has always resembled his creators. He hated and loved what they hated and loved, and he was invariably found on the side of those in power.
Every pulpit is a pillory, in which stands a hired culprit, defending the justice of his own imprisonment.
Few rich men own their own property. The property owns them.
For thousands of years people have been trying to force other people to think their way. Did they succeed? No. Will they succeed? No. Why? Because brute force is not an argument.
Give me the storm and stress of thought and action rather than the dead calm of ignorance and faith. Banish me from Eden when you will but first let me eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.
Great virtues may draw attention from defects, they cannot sanctify them. A pebble surrounded by diamonds remains a common stone, and a diamond surrounded by pebbles is still a gem.
Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity.
I am not so much for the freedom of religion as I am for the religion of freedom.
I am the inferior of any man whose rights I trample under foot. Men are not superior by reason of the accidents of race or color. They are superior who have the best heart— the best brain
I belong to the Great Church which holds the world within its starlit aisles; that claims the great and good of every race and clime; that finds with joy the grain of gold in every creed, and floods with light and love the germs of good in every soul.
I cannot believe that there is any being in this universe who has created a human soul for eternal pain. I would rather that every god would destroy himself; I would rather that we all should go to eternal chaos, to black and starless night, than that just one soul should suffer eternal agony.
I cannot see why we should expect an infinite God to do better in another world than he does in this.
I suppose it can be truthfully said that Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity.
If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal. If he would follow strictly the teachings of the New, he would be insane.
If there be an infinite Being, he does not need our help- we need not waste our energies in his defense.
If we are immortal it is a fact in nature, and we are not indebted to priests for it, nor to bibles for it, and it cannot be destroyed by unbelief.
Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows.
In all ages hypocrites, called priests, have put crowns upon the heads of thieves, called kings.
In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments- there are consequences.
In the republic of mediocrity genius is dangerous.
Intelligence is the only moral guide.
It is contended by many that ours is a Christian government, founded upon the Bible, and that all who look upon the book as false or foolish are destroying the foundation of our country. The truth is, our government is not founded upon the rights of gods, but upon the rights of men. Our Constitution was framed, not to declare and uphold the deity of Christ, but the sacredness of humanity. Ours is the first government made by the people and for the people. It is the only nation with which the gods have had nothing to do. And yet there are some judges dishonest and cowardly enough to solemnly decide that this is a Christian country, and that our free institutions are based upon the infamous laws of Jehovah.
It is incredible that only idiots are absolutely sure of salvation. It is incredible that the more brain you have the less your chance is. There can be no danger in honest thought, and if the world ever advances beyond what it is to- day, it must be led by men who express their real opinions.
It may be that ministers really think that their prayers do good and it may be that frogs imagine that their croaking brings spring.
It seems to me that if there is some infinite being who wants us to think alike he would have made us alike.
Justice should remove the bandage from her eyes long enough to distinguish between the vicious and the unfortunate.
Labor is the only prayer that Nature answers; it is the only prayer that deserves an answer- good, honest, noble work.
Martyrdom, as a rule, establishes the sincerity of the martyr- never the correctness of his thought. Things are true or false in themselves. Truth cannot be affected by opinions; it cannot be changed, established, or affected by martyrdom. An error cannot be believed sincerely enough to make it a truth.
Ministers say that they teach charity. This is natural. They live on alms. All beggars teach that others should give.
My principal objections to orthodox religion are two- slavery here and hell hereafter.
Nature never prompted a loving mother to throw her child into the Ganges. Nature never prompted men to exterminate each other for a difference of opinion concerning the baptism of infants. These crimes have been produced by religions filled with all that is illogical, cruel and hideous.
No man can blaspheme a book. No man can commit blasphemy by telling his honest thought. No man can blaspheme a God, or a Holy Ghost, or a Son of God. The Infinite cannot be blasphemed.
No man with a sense of humor ever founded a religion.
One good schoolmaster is worth a thousand priests.
Our civilization is not Christian. It does not come from the skies. It is not a result of "inspiration." It is the child of invention, of discovery, of applied knowledge -- that is to say, of science. When man becomes great and grand enough to admit that all have equal rights; when thought is untrammeled; when worship shall consist in doing useful things; when religion means the discharge of obligations to our fellow-men, then, and not until then, will the world be civilized.
Reason, Observation and Experience- the Holy Trinity of Science- have taught us that happiness is the only good; that the time to be happy is now, and the way to be happy is to make others so. This is enough for us.
The churches have no confidence in each other. Why? Because they are acquainted with each other.
The clergy know that I know that they know that they do not know.
The Emperor Constantine, who lifted Christianity into power, murdered his wife Fausta, and his eldest son Crispus, the same year that he convened the Council of Nice to decide whether Jesus Christ was a man or the Son of God. The council decided that Christ was consubstantial with the father. This was in the year 325. We are thus indebted to a wife-murderer for settling the vexed question of the divinity of the Savior.
The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.
The hands that help are holier than the lips that pray.
The idea of hell was born of ignorance, brutality, fear, cowardice, and revenge.
The infidels have been the brave and thoughtful men; the flower of all the world; the pioneers and heralds of the blessed day of liberty and love; the generous spirits of the unworthy past; the seers and prophets of our race; the great chivalric souls, proud victors on the battlefields of thought, the creditors of all the years to be.
The inspiration of the Bible depends on the ignorance of the person who reads it.
The man who does not do his own thinking is a slave, and is a traitor to himself and to his fellow-men.
The superior man is the providence of the inferior. He is eyes for the blind, strength for the weak, and a shield for the defenseless. He stands erect by bending above the fallen. He rises by lifting others.
Theism is the only legal form of insanity.
There is no slavery but ignorance. Liberty is the child of intelligence.
This crime called blasphemy was invented by priests for the purpose of defending doctrines not able to take care of themselves.
To persecute the intelligent few, at the command of the ignorant many- that is blasphemy.
We are satisfied that there can be but little liberty on earth while men worship a tyrant in heaven.
Who can over estimate the progress of the world if all the money wasted in superstition could be used to enlighten, elevate and civilize mankind?
Whoever has an opinion of his own, and honestly expresses it, will be guilty of heresy. Heresy is what the minority believe; it is the name given by the powerful to the doctrine of the weak
Whoever increases the sum of human joy, is a worshiper. He who adds to the sum of human misery, is a blasphemer.
Why does this same God tell me how to raise my children when he had to drown his?
Categories: Church and State, Don Beaudreault, Founding Fathers, Quotes of the day, Religion, Robert Green Ingersoll, Unitarianism
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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's
willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
-Jay Leno
President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where
contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if
you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
-Conan
O'Brien
A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of
female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who
haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe
Arnold a favor.
-Conan O'Brien
A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat,
but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's
looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job
market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
-Jimmy Kimmel
According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen
Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her
a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple.
He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a
Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who
passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
-Jimmy
Fallon
Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a
sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in
question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
-Conan
O'Brien
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet
larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most
Americans.
-Conan O'Brien
Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page.
Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that
whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
-Jay Leno
There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night
football on ESPN.
-Jay Leno
President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants
teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest
of us checking Facebook.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on
paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should
be someone else.
-Stephen Colbert
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then
these people are struck by lightning.
-Craig Ferguson
President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then
explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half
employed.'
-Conan O'Brien
A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an
exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
-Conan O'Brien
Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.'
When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't
remember seeing him.'
-Conan O'Brien
In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire
her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties
you down and then flosses you.
-Conan O'Brien
Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the
president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan
to create jobs once he's elected president.
-Jay Leno
Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been
executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In
California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the
Raiders.
-Jay Leno
If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their
debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots.
That's something Kenyans would do.
-Jimmy Kimmel
The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum
won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President
Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up
55 percent over the last president.
-Jimmy Fallon
His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony
Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
-Jimmy
Fallon
Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education
if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it
would make it easier for her to be elected.
-Jay Leno
Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library
the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of
Never-Will-Be-Presidents?'
-Jay Leno
In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the
'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the
guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
-Jimmy
Fallon
President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.'
When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
-Jimmy
Fallon
The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States
down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came
out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the
way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about
President Obama.
-Craig Ferguson
Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual.
She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding
Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on
Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill
Maher, on Jay Leno
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that
was outlawing dancing.
-David Letterman
They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a
river.
-David Letterman
I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
-David
Letterman
You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
-David
Letterman
Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
-David
Letterman
Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse.
He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons
of '24.'
-Conan O'Brien
Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian
immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
-Conan
O'Brien
Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The
only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
-Jay
Leno
Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a
soap opera?
-Jay Leno
Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe
it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
-Jay
Leno
Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a
Democrat too.
-Jay Leno
Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas.
Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
-Jay
Leno
According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the
country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so
disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
-Jay
Leno
The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK,
let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener.
Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President
Obama.
-Jimmy Fallon
The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius.
Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
-Jimmy Fallon
Categories: Craig Ferguson, Founding Fathers, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court
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The United States has no purpose. That is perhaps its greatest achievement. America's founding document, its Declaration of Independence, allows that a state exists only to secure life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
That's it. There's a curious lack of ambition in those words. The United States was not founded for the greater glory of anything, or as the necessary outcome of history, but for the freedom to collect figurines, to join a clogging troupe, to take a road trip. Yet these words, which carry no ideology whatsoever, are the ones that keep winning. This is the lesson of the past ten years, and one Osama bin Laden, a man animated by a grandiose vision of restoring a seventh century Muslim empire, never grasped. The most successful organizing principle the world has ever known is a simple guarantee that we can buy and do things that have no point greater than the satisfaction of our own happiness.
There's been much discussion, since the evening his death was announced, of the appropriate way to celebrate the end of Osama bin Laden. You might consider embracing what defeated him. Do something private and ridiculous, something that answers to no creed.
Pursue happiness.
-Brendan Greeley, excerpted from "Why bin Laden Lost," Businessweek, May 4, 2011.
(h/t to "The Sanity Inspector" on the Usenet alt.quotations newsgroup)
Categories: Founding Fathers, History
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Again, one must ask- why are the clearest, most direct interviews performed by a comedian on a fake news show?
Stewart probes Huckabee's support of radical evangelical minister and discredited historian David Barton, who claims- despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary- that the Founders intended the United States to be a Christian theocracy. Stewart also questions why Huckabee- who is always reasonable and self-effacing during his Daily Show interviews- promotes Barton's extreme ideas when addressing his conservative base.
This is part three of three of the interview; consider watching them all. It's one of Stewart's- and Huckabee's- best efforts.
It also features two Stewart observations that made it to my quote database:
"As someone who is not Christian, it is hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America... maybe, God willing, one of you will rise up and get to be President of this country; or maybe 44 in a row."
"We need religion to give grace and comfort to a world torn apart by religion."
Categories: Church and State, Daily Show, First Amendment, Founding Fathers, History, Jon Stewart, U.S. Constitution, Video
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The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and
Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The
press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the
ones who get screwed?"
-Jay Leno
"Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other.
Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington."
-Jimmy
Kimmel
"John McCain and John Kerry naturally paired off as their other
colleagues grew tired of their yearly tradition of reciting their own
state of the union address under their breath."
-Jon Stewart
"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,'
a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick
February, the shortest month. ... You know what the perfect month would
be? November 2012."
-Jay Leno
"Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged
Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around."
-Conan
O'Brien
"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the
Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another
female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote."
-Jay Leno
"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and
Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than
the raw sexual tension."
-Conan O'Brien
"The theme of President Obama's State of the Union address was 'Win the
Future.' It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the
rerun of 'Top Chef.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it
was a pretty good speech for a foreigner."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother.
That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate."
-Jimmy
Kimmel
"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice
President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner
called it a real tearjerker."
-Jay Leno
"Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a
natural on camera. [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the
cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for
illegal immigrants the whole time."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You
listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of
the union, you take a drink. It helps."
-Jimmy Kimmel
"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his
speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves
all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan."
-Conan
O'Brien
"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and
opponents have declared a 'Day of Rage.' Or as it's known in the Middle
East, 'Tuesday.'"
-Conan O'Brien
"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for
mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won."
-Stephen
Colbert
"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel
can't run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he's
free to purchase the position."
-Conan O'Brien
"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and
according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at
least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan."
-Conan
O'Brien
Categories: Daily Show, Founding Fathers, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert
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