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Quotes of the day: Conan O'Brien
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Published Friday, April 18, 2014 @ 12:03 AM EDT

Apr 18 2014

Conan Christopher O'Brien (born April 18, 1963) is an American television host, comedian, writer, producer, musician, and voice actor. He is best known for hosting several late-night talk shows, the most recent of which, Conan, premiered on American cable television station TBS in 2010. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)

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Americans now read Facebook more than the Bible. I guess nobody wants to read about a guy who could only come up with 12 friends.

At Microsoft a minority employee is one who has a girlfriend.

Auld Lang Syne is actually Scottish for 'God, this haggis sucks.'

Fish recognize a bad leader.

I miss Harvard Square. Nowhere (else) in the world will you find a man in a turban wearing a Red Sox jacket working in a lesbian bookstore.

I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore.

I've dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention.

It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

Queen Elizabeth is in financial trouble. How do you go broke when your face is on the money?

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

Terrible climate, centuries of oppression, and the gene for alcoholism. Or as I call it, 'The luck of the Irish.'

The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?'

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

There's good random, and there's bad random. There's good silly and there's bad silly, and you've gotta know the difference.

When all else fails there's always delusion.

When someone calls me pretentious, the white gloves come off.

Why can't they make meth with fluoride?

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Quotes of the day

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Political Jokes of the Week
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Published Monday, July 30, 2012 @ 9:24 AM EDT

Jul 30 2012

Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.
-Jay Leno

Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful.
-Jay Leno

The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.
-Jay Leno

To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole.'
-Jay Leno

A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'
-Conan O'Brien

There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called politics.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.
-Jay Leno

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
-Jay Leno

Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.
-Conan O'Brien

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.
-Conan O'Brien

Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.
-Jimmy Fallon

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
-David Letterman

And a collection from the prolific Andy Borowitz:

US politics: the opposite of the Olympics. Every 4 years, billions of dollars are spent to show humans at their worst.

I worry that all the pomp and excitement of the Olympics is making the world forget that Kristen cheated on Rob.

Romney: "The Israelis love me. They've even given me a neat nickname: Mittshugenah."

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin was not ready to be VP, according to We Know That Already, Dumbass magazine.

Romney: "I don't mind that the British keep saying I'm a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a W?"

Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen.

If the Internet is any guide, the two things pro-gun people hate most are 1) background check and 2) spell check.

Categories: Andy Borowitz, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Mitt Romney, Olympics, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Sarah Palin

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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, January 28, 2012 @ 10:30 AM EST

Jan 28 2012

Mitt Romney is going to release his 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows.
–Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Quotes of the day

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