David McAlister "Dave" Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a Pulitzer
Prize-winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally
syndicated humor column for The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has
also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic
novels. (Click
here for full Wikipedia article)
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A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.
A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that
we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is
how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.
By today's beauty standards, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.
Everybody- by which I mean not you- is getting rich off the
Internet.
Florida's number three industry, behind tourism and skin cancer, is
voter fraud.
Gradually, without noticing it, you turn into a Republican and judge
everything on the basis of whether or not it will increase your taxes.
I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax
Code, you'd find at least one sex scene.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball or saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there are men on base.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not
use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
If you asked me to name the three scariest threats facing the human
race, I'd give the same answer that most people would: nuclear war,
global warming and Windows.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be:
'meetings.'
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
If you should open up a baby's head- and I am not for a moment
suggesting that you should-you would find nothing but an enormous drool
gland.
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd
find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every
last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
In a democracy, you say what you like and do what you're told.
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man
came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
Internet investors have the brains of grapefruit. If you started a
company called Set Fire to Piles of Money.com, they'd be beating down
your door.
It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts,
get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in
the aorta.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and
years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the
worst movies in the history of the world.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the
other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The
Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that
corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only
because they cannot actually masturbate.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense
of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
The high rate of teen-age suicide might be due to those seeing all those
Old Milwaukee ads with the rednecks in the pick-up truck saying, 'It
doesn't get any better than this!'
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you
count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
entertainment.
The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of
offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with
machetes.
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning 'ability
to,' and bics, meaning 'withstand tremendous boredom.'
There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle
East will be bitter enemies.
We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to
none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball
countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt
like it.
We don't know where the digital revolution is taking us, only that when
we get there we will not have enough RAM.
We have an old saying in journalism: If you don't understand something,
it must be important.
What happens if an asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic
simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we
can assume it will be pretty bad.
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that individual is crazy.
Williamsburg is an authentic colonial restored place in Virginia where
people in authentic uncomfortable clothing demonstrate how horrible it
was to live in historical colonial times.
Without software, a computer is just a lump of plastic- whereas with
software, it's a lump of plastic that can permanently destroy critical
data.
You have to be a real stud hombre cybermuffin to handle Windows.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
-----
(Today is also the birthday of Tom
Stoppard and Franz
Kafka.)
Categories:
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