KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes - Cleaning off the desktop

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Cleaning off the desktop
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Published Sunday, March 16, 2014 @ 11:22 AM EDT

Mar 16 2014

It's actually Pi Month (3/14)

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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there's more sunlight?
-Neil deGrasse Tyson

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Jews can't eat ham. Jehovah's Witnesses can't buy Girl Scout cookies. The Amish can't drive cars. Catholics can't masturbate. Scientologists can't go to therapy. Baptists can't dance. Sikhs can't shave. And Lord knows, Muslims can't take a joke.
-Bill Maher

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Wealth is not a virtue, and poverty is not a sin.
-Unattributed

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The E.U. wants to ban American cheesemakers from using the name "Parmesan?" Fine. Then they can't use the name "Whiz."
-Stephen Colbert

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The sheer number of people who think Obama’s Between Two Ferns interview was “real” is reason enough to build an underground end days bunker.
-@CollynMcCoy

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We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
-Tshirt

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Three things that make me laugh: my sister's nipples. One's tiny. I haven't named the other two.
-Emo Phillips

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BURR: On average, how many Canadian patients on a waiting list die each year? Do you know?

MARTIN: I don’t, sir, but I know that there are 45,000 in America who die waiting because they don’t have insurance at all.

Canadian expert to condescending U.S. Senator

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Prices for monthly Google Drive storage plans dropped massively: 100GB is now $1.99 (instead of $4.99), 1TB is $9.99 (previously $49.99), and 10TB is $99.99. For comparison's sake, you can get 1TB of space every month on Drive for the same amount you'd pay on Dropbox for 100GB. Current paid Drive users will automatically move to the new, cheaper pricing.

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Some things you just don't outgrow.

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When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse first. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
-@BillMurray (parody Twitter account)

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Go ahead, open the door. I want to see the expression on the UPS guy's face.

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The five second rule is real. Which makes no difference when you have a two second dog.

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POLL: Given Choice Between Paul and Cruz, Most Voters Choose Suicide
-Andy Borowitz

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The other night, President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song 'Respect.' President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.
–Conan O'Brien

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Retweeted by The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore.

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Jack Albert Kinzler, the NASA tech whiz who saved Skylab, died last week. He was a Pittsburgh native.

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"He's a congenial liar."
"Don't you mean congenital?"
"Well, that too."

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Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!
-The Covert Comic

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Our family crest is a child's jacket on the floor right next to a row of hooks.
-@KenJennings

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Looks like more snow, starting at 7 pm tonight. By the way, this is a great program... Weatherspark.

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God will continue to punish the northeast with winter weather until Neil deGrasse Tyson stops undermining his authority.
-@pourmecoffee

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NASA-funded study: industrial civilisation headed for 'irreversible collapse'? So I don't have to worry about replacing the fence around my yard, then?

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Jimmy Fallon, reading a rebuttal from "Sam I Am" to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" to criticize Obamacare: "I do not like the speech you spoke. The speech you spoke was quite a joke. I found your words were lacking taste. You first hit copy, then hit paste. I would not like this on a beach. So next time write your own damn speech."

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Sometimes the Good Old Days were real. PanAm economy class in the 1960s.