KGB Report

Can you imagine if CNN was on the air when Titanic sank?
-@AlbertBrooks

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Can't print what I'm trying to print, but I accidentally printed 4 pages that say, 'Congratulations! You've successfully setup your printer.'
-@PaulaPoundstone

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While you're mocking the people who thought "Noah" was a documentary you fail to realize "Idiocracy" really was one.
-@JohnFugelsang

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Anyone ever been to a corporate baptism?
-@lizzwinstead

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Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.
-The Covert Comic

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Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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That's right, Putin doesn't have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it.
–Jimmy Fallon

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If you're a Douglas Adams fan, you must watch this.

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Ignore the snow. Spring has officially arrived in South Park, Pennsylvania.

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Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They're calling it a 'conscious uncoupling.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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She ran out of toner.

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Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the 'Bling Bishop' after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a 'conscious unbishopping.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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One of President Obama's secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it's spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea.
–Conan O'Brien

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Canine/Feline Furry Infinity

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The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.
–Conan O'Brien

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After playing clips of MSNBC's Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow stating they would not run purely speculative stories about the lost Malaysian jetliner, unlike CNN and Fox, Jon Stewart commented:

"You know, Sherman and Mister Peabody are right..."

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In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.
–Conan O'Brien

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In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile.
–Conan O'Brien

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Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It's expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say 'Yes, I am 18.'
–Seth Meyers

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It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia.
–David Letterman

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Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys.
–David Letterman

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President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman.
–David Letterman

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First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken.
–David Letterman

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A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama's visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel's hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they're just hung over.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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Toronto held the first mayoral debate of 2014 tonight. Rob Ford faced four challengers. When Rob Ford ran for mayor in 2010, his slogan was 'Stop the gravy train.' Then he realized he loves gravy. And you need a train to get it there.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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This is the difference between our countries. None of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. They let Mayor Ford say over and over again that he's the only candidate with a proven track record. He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany, Political Jokes of the Week

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"A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks."
-Lew Col

"I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking,' and then I thought: what the hell good would that do?"
-Ronnie Shakes

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As a card-carrying cynical curmudgeon, I have little patience for those cheerful "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" pieces of delusional inanity. That said, there are some grains of wheat in the following chaff. Pick away, but use common sense. Don't get "brightsided."

(See the original article here.)

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it's not the people that stand by your side when you're at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you're at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. Face them head on. No, it won't be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren't supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That's not how we're made. In fact, we're made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that's the whole purpose of living- to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can't lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you're not. One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that's trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don't change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free- love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. If you're not happy with who you are on the inside, you won't be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. Don't think too much or you'll create a problem that wasn't even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can't make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you're not ready. Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won't feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. Relationships must be chosen wisely. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company. There's no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen- in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you're ready, not when you're lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn't work. In life you'll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. Don't worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. Jealousy is the art of counting someone else's blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: "What's something I have that everyone wants?"
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. Life's curveballs are thrown for a reason- to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You'll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. Don't live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, "What you did to me is okay." It is saying, "I'm not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever." Forgiveness is the answer... let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it's for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. The time to take a deep breath is when you don't have time for it. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. The real world doesn't reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don't take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn't. It's okay to fall apart for a little while. You don't always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn't be concerned with what other people are thinking either- cry if you need to- it's healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you're going through, you deny responsibility- you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: "Will this matter in one year's time? Three years? Five years?" If not, then it's not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don't want to happen. Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you'll often find that you're right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

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Categories: KGB Opinion, Observations

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Seán O'Casey (born John Casey, March 30, 1880 - September 18, 1964) was an Irish dramatist and memoirist. A committed socialist, he was the first Irish playwright of note to write about the Dublin working classes. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)

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All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Disease can never be conquered, can never be quelled by emotion's wailful screaming or faith's cymballic prayer. It can only be conquered by the energy of humanity and the cunning in the mind of man. In the patience of a Curie, in the enlightenment of a Faraday, a Rutherford, a Pasteur, a Nightingale, and all other apostles of light and cleanliness, rather than of a woebegone godliness, we shall find final deliverance from plague, pestilence, and famine.

Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.

Here we have bishops, priests, and deacons, a Censorship Board, vigilant, confraternities and sodalities, Duce Maria, Legions of Mary, Knights of this Christian order and Knights of that one, all surrounding the sinner's free will in an embattled circle.

I have found life an enjoyable, enchanting, active, and sometime terrifying experience, and I've enjoyed it completely. A lament in one ear, maybe, but always a song in the other.

If church prelates, past or present, had even an inkling of physiology they'd realise that what they term this inner ugliness creates and nourishes the hearing ear, the seeing eye, the active mind, and energetic body of man and woman, in the same way that dirt and dung at the roots give the plant its delicate leaves and the full-blown rose.

Is America a land of God where saints abide for ever? Where golden fields spread fair and broad, where flows the crystal river? Certainly not flush with saints, and a good thing, too, for the saints sent buzzing into man's ken now are but poor-mouthed ecclesiastical film stars and cliché-shouting publicity agents.
Their little knowledge bringing them nearer to their ignorance,
Ignorance bringing them nearer to death,
But nearness to death no nearer to God.

It's my rule never to lose me temper till it would be detrimental to keep it.

Jesus, Buddha, Mahommed, great as each may be, their highest comfort given to the sorrowful is a cordial introduction into another's woe. Sorrow's the great community in which all men born of woman are members at one time or another.

Laughter is wine for the soul- laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness- the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.

Money does not make you happy but it quiets the nerves.

No man is so old as to believe he cannot live one more year.

Sorrow's the great community in which all men born of woman are members at one time or another.

The flame from the angel's sword in the garden of Eden has been catalysed into the atom bomb; God's thunderbolt became blunted, so man's dunderbolt has become the steel star of destruction.

The military mind is indeed a menace. Old-fashioned futurity that sees only men fighting and dying in smoke and fire; hears nothing more civilized than a cannonade; scents nothing but the stink of battle-wounds and blood.

There's no reason to bring religion into it. I think we ought to have as great a regard for religion as we can, so as to keep it out of as many things as possible.

Wealth often takes away chances from men as well as poverty. There is none to tell the rich to go on striving, for a rich man makes the law that hallows and hollows his own life.

What time has been wasted during man's destiny in the struggle to decide what man's next world will be like! The keener the effort to find out, the less he knew about the present one he lived in.

Work! Labour the aspergas me of life; the one great sacrament of humanity from which all other things flow- security, leisure, joy, art, literature, even divinity itself.

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Categories: Quotes of the day, Sean O'Casey

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