Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of
South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if
those fish had guns."
-Jay Leno
I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic
tank saying, "You need a mint."
-Bill Maher
It's reported that if you're playing Angry Birds, the company is
tracking your location. This may seem silly to you, but it's actually
how we got bin Laden.
-Conan O'Brien
An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his
job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three
years ahead of his time.
-Conan O'Brien
The difference between George W. Bush and Lance Armstrong is that Bush
never took anything that was performance enhancing.
-@LOLGOP
President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including
a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the
first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with
Republicans."
-Jimmy Fallon
Manti Te'o's at Notre Dame! Imagine, going to a college named after
Virgin Mary and being in love with a nonexistent dead lady.
-Bill
Maher
As a Jew, it's hard to mock Manti Te'o considering what we do for Elijah.
-Jensen
Karp
Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean
one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.
-Conan O'Brien
Rumor: Tiffany's to make imaginary rings.
-@AlbertBrooks
Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and
Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized
that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to
be a Republican."
-Jay Leno
Fox News inauguration coverage will just be live video feed with Sarah
McLachlan's "Angel" playing on a loop.
-@pourmecoffee
I went to see Zero Dark Thirty, and the first 45 minutes are torture.
Same as The Hobbit.
-Bill Maher
The drive on 95 shows how the Confederate capital could be 90 miles from
DC, yet not fall to Union forces for four years.
-@askpang
Next year, Tour de France moving to unicycles.
-@SteveMartin
Between the great things we cannot do, and the little things we will not
do, lie the medium-sized things we do do.
-The
Covert Comic
Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the
health care system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate
exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport.
-Jimmy Fallon
I'm not saying a gun fetish is exactly a penis fetish but both are far
more likely to be fired on one's self than another person.
-@LOLGOP
President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya.
Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.
-Conan O'Brien
During Jodie Foster's emotional [Golden Globes] speech she said she was
gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told
Jodie, "I'm going to need a raise."
-Conan O'Brien
Between Lance Armstrong admitting that he was doping and Jodie Foster
coming out as a lesbian, it's been a tough week for the clueless.
-Bill
Maher
This country is the most entertained and the least informed.
-Rula
Jebreal
Categories: Observations
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