Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight
states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock,
disbelief, despair, and anxiety.
-Jay Leno
After the debate... experts agreed that President Obama won on substance
and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several
substances.
-David Letterman
In fairness to Sarah Palin, "shuck" and "jive" are just two of the many
thousands of words she doesn't know the meaning of.
-Andy Borowitz
One week after Election Day, the banks will be closed and the military
will be marching in the street.
It's called Veterans Day.
I'm tired of every Republican politician being a medical supergenius on
vaginas. I want to hear gynecologists talk about the national debt.
-Bill
Maher
This campaign has dragged on so long Newt Gingrich is abandoning it for
a younger, hotter, healthier campaign.
-John Fugelsang
Karl Rove said the Tea Party is “not sophisticated;” which is sort of
like saying the Jonas Brothers are “not black.'
-John
Fugelsang
I have never been more ashamed for a candidate, Politicizing fallen
Americans is pitiful and unacceptable.
-Colin Powell
Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Makes sense. They're both moderate
Republicans.
-@Indecision
There's something wrong with our politics if we can't even agree about
rape anymore.
-Andy Borowitz
I’ll be glad when this election’s over so I’ll know for sure whom I
should have voted for.
-Steve Martin
The audience at the debate was instructed to turn off their cell phones
because they might interfere with Mitt Romney's circuitry.
-Triumph,
The Insult Comic Dog
Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Colin Powell, David Letterman, Elections, Jay Leno, John Fugelsang, Sarah Palin, Steve Martin
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