Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935)
A relationship is like a shark‐ it has to keep moving forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark.
All people know the same truth; our lives consist of how we choose to distort them.
As the poet said, “Only God can make a tree”‐ probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.
Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
God is silent‐ now if we can only get man to shut up.
How can I believe in God when last week I got my tongue stuck in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Hypocrite: a guy who writes a book on atheism and prays that it sells.
I am at two with nature.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I believe there's something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
I can't express anger. I grow a tumor instead.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
I can't make the leap of faith necessary to believe in my own existence.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
I really don't care about commercial success, and the end result is I rarely achieve it.
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.
I think that people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
I took a speed‐reading course and read “War and Peace” in 20 minutes. It involves Russia.
I wanted to be an Olympic swimmer, but I had some problems with buoyancy.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
If I believed in reincarnation, I'd come back as a sponge.
If my soul exists without my body I am convinced all my clothes will be loose‐fitting.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away‐ they make it into TV shows.
In real life, [Diane] Keaton believes in God. But she also believes the radio works because there are tiny people inside it.
Intellectuals are like the mafia; they only kill their own.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought, particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
It was the day after Jean‐Paul Sartre died.
(recalling under oath the day in 1980 he first met Mia Farrow)
It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't even return other dog's phone calls.
Life doesn't imitate art. It imitates bad television.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering‐ and it's all over much too soon.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement!
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
My brain is my second favorite organ.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
My relationship to death remains the same. I'm strongly against it.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Organized crime in America takes in over $40 billion a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Political questions, if you go back thousands of years, are ephemeral, not important. History is the same thing over and over again.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful‐ provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five, it's fantastic...
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go it's pretty damned good.
She was an atheist and I was an agnostic. We didn't know what religion not to bring our children up in.
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep.
The message is God is love and you should lay off fatty foods.
The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
The three most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you.” They are, “It is benign.”
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind‐ a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
There's nothing wrong with you that some Prozac and a polo mallet wouldn't fix.
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
We will run amok together, and then, when we get tired, we will walk amok.
(As Jimmy Bond in Casino Royale)
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do?
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence; so why bother shaving?
With me, it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.
You cannot prove the nonexistence of God; you just have to take it on faith.
Zen boy scout: rubs one stick together.
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