KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

Americans are a broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be alcoholic, a dope fiend or a wife-beater, but if a man doesn't drive a car, everybody thinks that something is wrong with him.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

If you're hung up on nostalgia, just think of today as yesterday and go out and have one hell of a time.

In this country, when you attack the Establishment, they don't put you in jail or a mental institution. They do something worse. They make you a member of the Establishment.

It's easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one.

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had murdered your father and married your mother, and you fell in love with a beautiful girl and mistakenly murdered her father, and then she went crazy and drowned herself. What would you do? Go back for a masters?

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

The best things in life aren't things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

Whether it's the best of times, or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

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