Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's
willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
-Jay Leno
President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where
contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if
you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
-Conan
O'Brien
A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of
female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who
haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe
Arnold a favor.
-Conan O'Brien
A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat,
but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
-Jimmy Kimmel
President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's
looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job
market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
-Jimmy Kimmel
According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen
Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her
a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple.
He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a
Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who
passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
-Jimmy
Fallon
Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a
sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in
question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
-Conan
O'Brien
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet
larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most
Americans.
-Conan O'Brien
Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page.
Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that
whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
-Jay Leno
There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night
football on ESPN.
-Jay Leno
President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants
teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest
of us checking Facebook.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on
paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should
be someone else.
-Stephen Colbert
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then
these people are struck by lightning.
-Craig Ferguson
President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then
explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half
employed.'
-Conan O'Brien
A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an
exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
-Conan O'Brien
Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.'
When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't
remember seeing him.'
-Conan O'Brien
In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire
her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties
you down and then flosses you.
-Conan O'Brien
Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the
president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan
to create jobs once he's elected president.
-Jay Leno
Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been
executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In
California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the
Raiders.
-Jay Leno
If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their
debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots.
That's something Kenyans would do.
-Jimmy Kimmel
The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum
won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President
Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up
55 percent over the last president.
-Jimmy Fallon
His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony
Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
-Jimmy
Fallon
Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education
if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it
would make it easier for her to be elected.
-Jay Leno
Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library
the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of
Never-Will-Be-Presidents?'
-Jay Leno
In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the
'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the
guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
-Jimmy
Fallon
President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.'
When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
-Jimmy
Fallon
The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States
down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came
out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the
way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about
President Obama.
-Craig Ferguson
Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual.
She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding
Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on
Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill
Maher, on Jay Leno
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that
was outlawing dancing.
-David Letterman
They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a
river.
-David Letterman
I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
-David
Letterman
You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
-David
Letterman
Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
-David
Letterman
Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse.
He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons
of '24.'
-Conan O'Brien
Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian
immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
-Conan
O'Brien
Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The
only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
-Jay
Leno
Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a
soap opera?
-Jay Leno
Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe
it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
-Jay
Leno
Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a
Democrat too.
-Jay Leno
Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas.
Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
-Jay
Leno
According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the
country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so
disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
-Jay
Leno
The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK,
let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener.
Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President
Obama.
-Jimmy Fallon
The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius.
Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
-Jimmy Fallon
Categories: Craig Ferguson, Founding Fathers, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court
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