Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.
We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the
government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to
secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?
-Jay
Leno
The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the
government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden...
-Jimmy
Fallon
We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will
cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one
more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates
the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.
-Stephen
Colbert
Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this
year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the
voices in his head.
-Jimmy Fallon
The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time
campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before
he gets serious about it- just like he did with being president.
-Jimmy
Fallon
President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time?
'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'
-Jay Leno
President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He's not breaking up
with us! He wants to work things out! He's forgiving our poor record on
post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to,
every time we go to war.
-Jon Stewart
President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not
really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed
the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth
certificate.
-Craig Ferguson
So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a
Craigslist ad for a free couch.
-Stephen Colbert
Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the
Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because
it's mostly on top of the water.
-Conan O'Brien
There's a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the
White House, and it's rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath.
That's a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his
mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.
-Jimmy Kimmel
I think Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land
so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season.
That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs
are losing their jobs.
-Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will
run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is
over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the
presidency ever— I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for
President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be
my new Apprentice.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next
week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S.
government is still up in the air.
-Conan O'Brien
If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government
will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money
and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the
country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it
will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.
-Jay
Leno
A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely
whiten John Boehner.
-Jimmy Kimmel
Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was
crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
-Craig
Ferguson
It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the
presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin
questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?
-Jimmy
Kimmel
While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's
forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.
-Jay
Leno
Categories: Craig Ferguson, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert
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