Daniel Kurtzman does a superb job running About.com's political humor category, and he's put together a page of Best Late-Night Jokes of 2010 (So Far), a representative sample of which follows:
Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You
know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon
shortage.
-Jay Leno
Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many
of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.
-Jay
Leno
How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin
somehow made it through medical school.
-Bill Maher, on Kentucky
Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul
While criticizing President Obama during an interview on Good Morning
America this week, Rudy Giuliani said, "We had no domestic attacks
under Bush." You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where
people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the
first.
-Seth Meyers
The Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot stop corporations
from spending money on political candidates. Which explains why Sarah
Palin has accepted $1 million to change her name to Pizza Hut.
-Jimmy
Fallon
What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they're talking
about immigration reform, it looks like they've ended "Don't Ask, Don't
Tell," and they're legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if
you're a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for
free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year
of your life.
-Jay Leno
Of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they
believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I
think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better
about it already.
-Jay Leno
Sarah Palin's also getting criticized because last week she demanded
that Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, step down because he used the
word retarded. But then, Rush Limbaugh did the same thing on his radio
show, and that, she said, was O.K. Unfortunately, she's been unable to
respond to the criticism because she's wearing mittens.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country.
But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
-David
Letterman
I find it strange that Sarah Palin would be shopping a reality show
considering the fact that she hasn't shown much interest in reality.
-Jimmy
Kimmel
During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the
crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great
American speeches, right? "Four score and seven years ago," "Ask not
what your country can do for you," "I have a dream," and now, "My
daughters are both available."
—Jimmy Fallon
One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked
to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said
it was "God's plan." So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win.
-Jay
Leno
Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an
over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's
working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.
-Craig Ferguson
Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years
ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions,
impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually
wear off.
-Jay Leno
Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that
she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You
know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's
happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska.
-Bill Maher
Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama
talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a
kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a
brain dead woman through an entire campaign.
-Bill Maher, on
Obama's health care summit
Categories: Craig Ferguson, Quotes of the day, Supreme Court
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